Dating Diaries: Learning to love in a disconnected digital world

Dating has never been a walk in the park, but it's undeniably become harder in the age of apps. Navigating the world of love and lust is Natalia Rachel, a divorced mother-of-two, trauma specialist, therapist, poet and author. As she dives into the world of dating across different continents, she writes about her experiences and observations about our current generation of singles (and some not-so-singles) finding love. In this first Dating Diaries column for Her World, she pens a letter to all those who are seeking that most elusive emotion of all: Love.

Dear Daters,

The one thing most of us have in common is the desire to love and be loved. But it is easier said than done.

From the modern rom-com, to the fairytales, the stories of our ancestors and the ancient myths of the gods, our quest for love remains eternal, messy, and full of fantasies, heartbreaks, grand gestures, unrequited crushes, existentialist inquiries and the question: ‘Is it me or is it you?’

The ‘meet cute’ seems to be a thing of the past. We’ve entered the lazy land of the dating app, where everyone has their own personal ad and we are lost roaming inside a human catalogue of hearts.

When love becomes commoditised, we are in dangerous territory.

We pay to place personal ads. Pay to click, chat and connect. Pay to enter the fancier pool, where the daters look shiner, have more bells, whistles and bank… but really are just the same as you and I, lost in the commercial maze of love.

Love has become a transaction and we are left wondering: ‘What am I paying for here?’

Especially when the products don’t match the catalogue. It’s the eternal upsell, and the promise of something that’s just not being delivered. The dopamine hit with every match and message. The cortisol crush with every unmatch and the cold sound of crickets when conversations disappear into nothingness.

As we sit behind our screens, eyes getting squarer by the day, we might start to wonder what’s wrong. Every time we invest in the pretty outfit, the careful makeup that looks like we aren’t trying so hard (but have in fact are trying so hard) and are met with another frog instead of the advertised handsome prince, we begin to lose hope. ‘Is this really how it’s meant to be?’

The trauma trap

When we get past the ups and downs of the digital dungeon, and actually make it out to a date, the next hurdle we meet with is the inevitable house of mirrors that is our childhood trauma. We may find ourselves sitting across the table from a weird version of mummy or daddy or triggered into a state of ‘I’m not good enough when is he going to abandon me???’ or ‘back off boy, I’m never going to let you hurt or abandon me!!!’.

Hello shadows.

Hello trauma.

Hello healing… if we choose.

The thing is that our generation are walking trauma time bombs. And if we haven’t done the work, it will always show up in our romantic relationships. And I can tell you from experience, most of us have not done the inner work to be available for a healthy relationship. I see it in the therapy room, and I see it across the bar while I’m sipping on my Aperol Spritz.

Dating as a therapist has its blessings and curses. I’m quick to spot the red flags. I can nip projections and assumptions in the bud. I can say no to becoming their mummy, coach or cheerleader. (Although I must admit that  it has taken years of my own trauma healing to get here).

But on the flip side, because so many men are walking around as little boys in adult bodies, my choices are limited.  And there are  enough traumatised women around (little girls who grew boobs and learned to apply mascara) who are ready and willing to say yes to bad behaviour, swoop and save the sad man, twist him into a salty pretzel with combed hair and the right shoes, or totally lose themselves just in the name of faux-love. Just for the sake of not being alone. 

The fear and pain of being alone propels us again and again towards relationships that really aren’t the real deal. We cling to each other as life rafts in the sea of life, terrified that we can’t swim alone.

Single Seems Simpler

For those of us who have ripped off the band-aid and learned to live life single, strong and proud, we may be finding right now that being alone is preferable to being attached to a dude carrying his existential backpack around and flinging its salty sprog all over the place.

More and more women are choosing  to be single. It’s a theme that runs through many of my single female clients, friends and colleagues. And while some of them may say it’s because they ‘don’t need a man’, I would suggest that it’s actually that the kind of men we want and deserve simply haven’t arrived yet.

Men’s Epic Road to Love

While more and more women and men commit to their healing work to become truly available for love, it does appear that women are getting there faster. We’ve opted into our healing work earlier and deeper. I believe that it is  because it has become safer for us. We’ve been allowed to heal. We’ve had permission to heal.

Men are still dealing with generations of conditioning telling them that feelings are soft and weak; that healing isn't manly. Those men who are delving into their healing work are breaking cycles, redefining manhood and showing us women that it is safe to be soft, to yield, to be cared for. And at the same time, they’re also showing us that our strength and independence is to be celebrated, not shamed, boxed up and put in a corner.

But where are all these conscious men?

Most of them are still in early stages of their healing journey.  Perhaps they are trapped in some disconnected relationship or ensconced in a power struggle. Or hanging out with their bros doing breathwork and ice baths. Reclaiming their worth; their power. Talking about their trauma. Learning to stay away from the women who remind them of their volatile mothers.

Perhaps they are in the early stages of dating, getting triggered, breaking hearts with their not-quite-there-yet spiritual avatar, and returning again and again to their man cave to keep on healing. It doesn’t help when those of us who consider ourselves conscious women shame them for not being where we need them to be…recreating their shame narrative, where woman is the enemy. (‘No, I am not your mother! Stop turning me into her!’)

Men need a little more time to heal. And our task is to wait for the right man, to be ready at the right time, rather than coach him into the place we want him to be. As we let go of force and control, we will meet the petulant inner child inside us who feels like it’s all unfair and wants to have a big fat tantrum. 

Delving Deeper into Healing

Sitting with and processing this unfairness is the next level of healing work. It may take us on the trauma train to process more daddy issues, or mummy issues, for example, or the feeling of not receiving the love we crave in the moments we need it.

The feeling of being unsupported.

Uncared for.

Unloved.

Neglected.

Interestingly in this place, where we tend to our most vulnerable wounds, we are often drawn to the deepest self-care, into connections with the most caring women, and  into community.

The Net of Women

So many women sit in my therapy room crying about their boyfriends or husbands, or pulling their hair out about how eternally single or heartbroken they are. They’ve invested so much in the idea that having a partner will solve all their problems,  or that their current partner should meet all their needs. But that is never the case. When we seek to turn our partners into solutions or roll them up and stuff them into the holes inside us, we turn them into human putty. And then we wonder why the spark is gone, we feel unseen or why the bickering and eventual break ups happen.

The thing we are really craving is a net of love, to hold us, catch us and carry us through the inevitable ups and downs of life.

No single man can do this for us. And so, when women sit crying or complaining on my therapy couch, I always direct them to find women to build that net of friendship, and here it’s safe to be vulnerable, have deep conversations, move with authenticity, make mistakes and be loved through it all. There is nothing more nourishing than the honest friendship between women. The same is true for men.

On some deep primordial level, we must know this. More and more women’s and men’s circles are emerging. Some within the psycho-spiritual context, some within the lens of corporate culture or entrepreneurship. We know deep down that we need to be amongst kin, like minds, supporters,  cheerleaders, sisters and brothers. The community that we co-create is the soil that will grow all that we have lost. That will allow us to reform and become ready to venture out and seek the love that we crave, without trying to turn it into some half-baked replacement for our unmet needs. It’s also the safe place we can return to when our heart hurts, or breaks, knowing that we will be held, tended to, and healed.

It seems counter intuitive, but if we want to be ready for love, we must stop looking for it within the commoditized, disconnected, digital landscape. And build it, day by day in the intentional exchanges with the people who are the living fabric of our world. This is about redirection and patience. When we are no longer lonely, we become more patient. And it is our patience that paints away the desperation that’s been taking us far away from the kind of love we wish to realise.

This way, when we swipe, put on our lipstick and our kitten heels, we aren’t doing it with such fervour and desperation. There’s no more all or nothing. We are simply on an adventure, where the right man is the icing on the cake, not the whole cake itself.

Natalia Rachel is an author, therapist and educator, who helps us understand how to do the work to heal from trauma and become available for healthy love. She looks through a kaleidoscope as both a therapist and a woman on the journey of love. After being married for 17 years, conscious divorce and co-parenting, Natalia has explored what it means to date, relate and love in Singapore, Italy, USA and Australia. Her voice reminds us that love is not about trying to get the guy or girl, but committing to the healing work that brings down our barriers so we can finally give and receive it. She also pens the Her World Dear Therapist column.