Are singles in Singapore remaining single 'cos they are just too darn picky?

Over the last 10 years, the proportion of singles across all age groups rose in Singapore, most prominently among those aged between 25 and 34, according to a 2020 report by the Department of Statistics. Yet according to another survey, conducted in 2021 and released by the National Population and Talent Division in 2022, eight in 10 Singaporeans actually want to marry.

One could defer marriage to focus on their career or other interests; one could cherish freedom and independence or find fulfilment and satisfaction through other means. There are reasons to be single aplenty, but zooming in on those who are dating and desire to wed – why aren’t they getting their “happily ever after”?

Are there too many fish in the sea?

Sarah*, 31, a healthcare professional, considers herself to be pretty open to meeting new people to settle down but she feels that the sentiment is not always reciprocated. “I met someone through a friend but after two dates, he said he wasn’t feeling it and asked to just be friends. People are so quick to judge these days. Normally, after meeting twice, I can’t even tell if I like a new person as a friend.” 

Common ways to date these days are through friends, activities, and dating apps. Some might even say dating apps like Bumble, Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagel and Tinder having risen in popularity have been a double-edged sword. Dating apps have broadened our world and facilitated connections with people outside our immediate social networks, but greater access has also created an illusion of choice. 

“Because of the abundance of matches, singles nowadays do not value dates as much as before and they do not feel a sense of urgency. They talk to multiple people at once and arrange dates with different people, and it's easy to lose interest and take the matches for granted,” says Violet Lim, CEO and co-founder of the Lunch Actually Group. “Dating apps give singles what we call 'the paradox of choice': when we have too many choices, we tend to have analysis paralysis and end up not making any choice! The paradox of choice could be why more and more people are choosing to remain single.”

It is not hard to imagine why it is easy to baulk at relationships these days, knowing that there are plenty of fish in the ocean. Besides, relationships go two ways and it takes two to tango. 

Ghosting being the new norm

“I once dated a former colleague and while I did find him attractive, I thought he was a player and was initially hesitant. He would lovebomb me with the most thoughtful birthday and Christmas gifts and didn’t shy away from hanging out with my friends. Weirdly enough, when I finally decided I did want a serious relationship, he lost interest,” says 29-year-old Michelle*, who works in advertising. “It is as if some men like the chase but aren’t at all serious about settling down.” 

“In another instance, I met a guy through a dating app and I thought we were so compatible – we had the same taste in books and music, we had similar habits at home from what I could see during our sleepovers, and we were both ambitious in our careers and wanted children, so I thought we could have a future together. But after months of dating, he told me he just could not do it anymore. It was so out of the blue and he could not give me a reason. I thought we could at least stay friends but he wasn’t interested. He ghosted. To be rejected like this by guys who I thought I could have a future with again and again can be so soul-crushing. I haven’t sworn off dating but these days, I am trying to focus more on myself. If it happens, it happens.”

Michelle says there have also been cases where friends confess they want something more or dating app matches who are interested in dating exclusively, but those haven’t been relationships she is keen to pursue. “If I am not interested, I don’t want to waste either of our time,” she says. She also thinks that the older she gets, the more sure she is about what she wants, and from experience, she knows that being in a bad relationship is worse than being single.

Some standards are a must

Being “too picky” – a phrase often used by well meaning friends and family – suggests that one should lower their standards, but Sarah and Michelle believe modern-day single women are less likely to “settle” than before, and they hope they won’t have to compromise their own standards just because they want to get married someday. 

“Having standards is crucial because it helps singles know the most important things to make a marriage doable for the long haul. When it comes to morals, values, beliefs, lifestyle, relationship and life goals, financial independence, honesty, personality, and chemistry, no one should ever compromise. These are your core needs and standards.” agrees Violet. Although she adds that she would caution singles against having “checklist syndrome”. 

“Checklist syndrome means having a list they must check off in their mind thinking that someone who matches all of the checklist would be the perfect match. Many singles tend to place superficial criteria on their checklist such as height, looks, and body build. However, whether you are 1.71m or 1.8m has no correlation on whether you would be a good partner,” she explains. 

The comfort in being single

You think you would know yourself best but in some cases, it is our circumstances and past experiences that unknowingly shape our choices.

“I don't think people are ‘choosing’ to stay single as much as they are struggling to meet appropriate partners who they feel aligned with. Much of this is also to do with their insecure attachment style together with an environment where there are lots of misleading messages around dating and relationships,” says Shabana, who is an attachment styles coach (@coaching.with.shabana).

Attachment styles provide key insights into people's underlying beliefs regarding dating and relationships that are deeply helpful and insightful. For example, while avoidants push away love, anxious attachers love too quickly and can choose unhealthy partners. Understanding your attachment style can help you uncover the real reasons why you are struggling and, as such, begin to date more successfully. 

Interestingly enough, studies have also found that people with avoidant attachment styles are less likely to date or seek relationships. They dislike communicating their emotions and intimacy (or feel discomfort in expressing them), and they might self-sabotage relationships sometimes, consciously or not. 

The longer someone has remained single, the harder it is to settle with someone, especially for someone who has avoidant tendencies. “The word “settle” can be unnerving, and for an avoidant, there is an underlying anxiety that we may lose out in some elusive way that we can’t pin down. Anxious attachers don’t struggle in the same way if they have been single for a long time. They usually feel more keen to settle down and marry as they conversely believe it is a waste of their time if they don’t marry,” explains Shabana. 

“For some singles, to say they want to remain single could actually be a defence mechanism. It hurts less when we do not get something that we do not want, rather than yearn for something only to be disappointed,” says Violet. However, this could be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Putting it out there that you would rather be single could highly reduce the possibility of meeting and finding the right partner.

At the end of the day, there is no one reason why single women who want to settle down aren’t doing so yet. From dating apps to running clubs and other activity groups, there are plenty of ways to meet new people these days. But chemistry and compatibility can be unpredictable and it takes time and interest from both parties  – and a degree of readiness – for relationships to work out in the long haul. What one can do is perhaps being open to possibilities and forming genuine relationships. Besides, love is a big commitment so why settle? 

*Names have been changed.