What friendship feels like in your 40s

In my twenties, friendships meant the people who listened to your stories of heartbreak and heartache. They were the people who partied all night at the club with you. A few of those became your “mama friends” once the babies were born, and even fewer stuck around till your forties. I was recently asked to be a guest on a wonderful podcast in Singapore called The Forties Formula, and the topic was friendships in your forties, and it really got me thinking about what I need from my friends at this stage in my life, and what a good friend really means.

Friendship in your 20’s

In my younger days, friend groups were wide, fun and free. Friends had their time and place and the kind of people I had in my days – be it in my early twenties in Canada and Spain, or newly married in Singapore, or as a new mother in Hong Kong – each phase required a different friend, and I certainly wasn’t discerning. I had mom friends, who simply understood me as a new mother in Hong Kong; I had the party friends for just the few months I was in Madrid, and to be honest, because I grew up in many places, I didn’t know what kind of friends I really needed because I honestly didn’t know myself that well.

30’s

Towards the end of my twenties, as I grew into myself – the kind of woman I wanted to be, the kind of mother I desired to be, the entrepreneur I dreamed of being, and the wife I always wanted to be – my shape started to form. I knew who I was becoming, what I valued about myself, and the values from the people around me that I needed. Gone were the days of frivolous friendships with little substance, and depth, authenticity, and genuine care was what I was seeking.

My 30’s also felt like a transition. They were the years my husband and I worked very hard, both our kids went from being newborns to having their own personalities, and understanding what that looked like shaped me as a mother.

40’s

Now in my 40s, friendships mean the world to me. I don’t try and be someone I am not – I want to be around those who accept me and are loyal as friends. One thing my closest friend taught me is that no matter what, she is always there for me. Good friends accept you with all your flaws and you don’t feel the judgement to change who you fundamentally are.

There are also some friendships that may not be worth your time and space at this age. It becomes easier too, to let go. To say bye. To walk away from people and relationships that drag you down, make you feel bad and that simply drain you.

Recently, after decades, a friend has shaken me to my core by not accepting me for who I am, and perhaps the mistakes that we have both taken in our friendship. I so desperately want to hold on for the years and quantity of time I’ve known her, but feel the way I am spoken to is demeaning, painful and hurtful. Maybe letting go isn’t the worst thing at this age. Time is precious, so are friendships, and what they can mean to you.

Perhaps as I write this, the cliché saying that the most important relationship in life is the one you have with yourself does resonate more than ever. As I sit in quiet contentment, I am at peace with who I am, who I have become, and where I am headed. If that sits right, then the good friends around you are contributing and enhancing my life on earth, and the ones that drag me down need to be let go of.

Shireena Shroff Manchharam is a Her World Tribe member, the founder and principal consultant of Sheens Consulting, and the founder and creator of Getting To Happy, a mental health movement to inspire our community and society to live happier, more mindful lives.