Surviving the loneliness epidemic: Rewriting love for the modern Singaporean woman

“How To Build A Singaporean Woman” is a Her World original docuseries which highlights the social and cultural issues that women in Singapore face, and asks: what does it mean to be a Singaporean woman today? In the seventh episode, “Let Her Love Freely”, we hear from Simone Heng, human connection specialist, speaker and author of ‘Let’s Talk About Loneliness’, and Noorindah Iskandar, founder and writer of Shyandcurious.com. Together, they unpack the complexities of intimacy, the scars of emotional isolation, and how Singaporean women are finding new ways to love — on their own terms.

“Why am I still lonely?” When a good life isn’t enough

No one dives into their trauma on a good day. As author and keynote speaker Simone Heng puts it, “I would love the human condition to be different.” But often, it takes a little chaos — burnout, heartbreak, or a particularly lonely weeknight to spark introspection.

Loneliness, the human connection specialists share, is not just a feeling; it’s a biological alarm. And in a place like Singapore, where independence is often prized and vulnerability is politely skirted, that alarm rings louder than we care to admit.

Feeling ashamed about loneliness is more common than you think. According to a 2022 survey, 53% of young Singaporeans aged 21 to 34 reported heightened anxiety, social isolation, and loneliness. And so while you may have a packed social calendar, you can still feel completely unseen.

The loneliness spectrum

Not all loneliness is created equal. Chronic loneliness is the kind that lingers for months, even years, often associated with people who self-isolate and are deeply intertwined with mental health struggles like depression and anxiety. It’s the prolonged feeling of hopelessness. 

On the other hand, incidental loneliness is the body’s biological response to social disconnection. It’s our sign to reconnect and seek comfort in our communities, or as Simone puts it, our “tribe”. 

For Noorindah, the solution starts with the self-realisation of expressing our honest feelings, and not shunning them.

Loving during lockdown

The pandemic didn’t just shut borders. It reshaped how Gen Z women formed their sense of self. Those crucial years of self-discovery were suddenly confined to four walls and a screen.

“People who are good human connectors naturally do this and it builds and then it goes deeper…,” Simone explains. “So if someone voice notes you voice note, if someone just texts, you text .”

The prevalence of digital communication has also shifted the way we date. Noorindah shares that many young women today aren’t rushing to settle down. They want to explore, put themselves first, and define love on their own.

Attachment styles: How your childhood is still haunting your dating profile

If you’ve ever wondered why your relationships play out like reruns, attachment theory might hold the answer. These emotional blueprints, formed in early childhood, shape how we give and receive love.

There are four main attachment styles:

• Secure: Comfortable with balancing closeness and independence
• Avoidant: Values independence and may struggle with emotional intimacy
• Anxious: Craves intimacy but fears abandonment, with heightened fear of rejection
• Disorganised: A conflicted mix of anxious and avoidant tendencies, often rooted in trauma

An inconsistent or unavailable caregiver? That might explain why some develop anxious attachment. And those avoidant types? They often dominate dating apps, not because they’re better at dating, but because they don’t stick around long, reinstating the current climate of dating apps.

Regardless of generation, Simone says, “We are all yearning for genuine connection. And that means a physical attraction as well as an emotional one, not one without the other.”

And while 79% of Singaporeans still rate physical attraction as important, 92% prioritise similar outlook and values. Noorindah reminds us: “On the outside, we may project independence. But there are things we all need to work on inside, too.”

Swiping for a soulmate: The dating app dilemma

Welcome to the buffet of potential partners, aka dating apps. A quarter of Singaporeans have used one or more dating apps, yet only 21% are satisfied with their experience. Simone calls out the “looks-first” bias of these platforms.

Now, algorithms and filters have turned connection into a game of impressions. Noorindah calls it the “never-ending buffet”, where swiping feels more like scrolling through a catalogue than searching for a real partner.

Redefining intimacy on your own terms

True intimacy is not about flawless connection — it’s about being seen, accepted, and loved through all your messy, ever-evolving stages. Can we really expect our partners to stay the same when we ourselves change over time?

Still, expectations around marriage and partnership are shifting. While 7 in 10 young Singaporeans believe marriage isn’t necessary, most still want it. Interestingly, the marital fertility rate for women aged between 35 and 39 rose from 45.5% in 2005 to 62.9% in 2023.

Simone reflects, “The more as a woman you become completely and wholly in love with the life that you’ve built, you like your income, you like where you live, and all of these things, the more reticent you’re going to be to let anything substandard in.”

To let a modern Singaporean woman love freely is to let her rewrite the rules based not on tradition or expectation, but on self-worth, emotional honesty, and a connection that feels right, not just looks right.