Uma Thana Balasingam refuses to feel guilty

In today’s fast-paced professional environments, the emotional experiences of women often go unrecognised or are misinterpreted as weaknesses. In this series, called Feminine Fortitude, we delve into the rich emotional landscape of the workplace – focusing on emotions like vulnerability and fear – through the lens of feminine values. Uma Thana Balasingam explores how these traditionally undervalued emotions can be transformed into powerful assets for leadership, resilience, and career advancement.

I broke up with my university boyfriend right after landing my first job, a decision that made me feel guilty.

Excited about the future, I made the difficult decision. I knew I had bigger ambitions, and being with him felt like a constraint. I didn’t feel he was as ambitious, and I questioned his ability to provide for the big future I had imagined for myself. We had been together for more than 2 years. To top it off, I had introduced him to my parents, a big deal in my culture as it signals a future commitment we would make.

This decision, while right for me, was shrouded in guilt. I couldn’t find the words to explain my choice and the weight of causing him pain lingered heavily. This experience highlighted a common scenario for many women—struggling to balance personal relationships with professional aspirations.

Guilt is a silent companion for many working women in Asia. It lurks in the shadows of our ambitions, whispering doubts and questioning our choices. In a society where balancing work and family, navigating career ambitions, and adhering to cultural norms are constant pressures, guilt becomes an inevitable part of our professional and personal lives. This article delves into my personal journey with guilt, hoping to resonate with and empower those who face similar struggles.

Familial expectations and cultural guilt

Every trip back home to Johor Bahru, Malaysia, brought with it another wave of guilt. “Have you met someone yet?” my parents would ask, their voices filled with expectation.

As an Indian woman, cultural pressures to marry and settle down were immense. My parents, worried about my future, often engaged in matchmaking efforts, believing I needed a man to take care of me. This is a common guilt many women face: balancing career ambitions with societal expectations of familial roles. This guilt stayed with me for years, well into my 30s, and at pivotal moments like when I lost my father, it would remind me of this obligation I did not fulfill. It wasn’t until I was on the journey to discover who I really was, without the identities I tied to myself to, that I was able to let go of the expectations of others. 

Guilt in balancing work and family

In Asia, the pressure to balance work and family is overwhelming. Working women often feel guilty for not devoting enough time to childcare and household duties. This guilt is compounded by societal expectations that place a woman’s role primarily within the family. For me, this meant feeling torn between my career aspirations and the traditional roles expected by my family.

Each success at work was bittersweet, as it often meant less time with family and loved ones. Initially, I justified success at work and the money I was earning as part of this sacrifice. It was only later in my career, towards the end of my 30s, that I figured out that I had to own the narrative of my own life. I needed to write my own script and that could look different to what is the frequently written script for most women’s lives out there. 

Cultural norms and workplace dynamics: The guilt of power

In the professional sphere, guilt can arise from challenging cultural norms. During my first sales job at IBM, I asked a junior colleague to learn my name before speaking to me. In hindsight, I realise I was being an obnoxious b***h, but the guilt from that moment lingers.

It was a stark reminder of how cultural norms in the workplace, which often prioritise male leadership traits and traditional gender roles, can create tension and guilt when women assert themselves to advance professionally.

I became more acutely aware of this when I failed miserably at my first job as a manager in 2009. I would micro-manage and receive feedback about how I couldn’t give up control. It was a hard lesson for many years before I could redefine myself as a manager and then, subsequently, a leader, thanks to the help of many mentors and role models that I actively sought advice and feedback from. 

The guilt of rapid success

Achieving success quickly can also bring a unique kind of guilt. My mastery of a combination of skills—data analysis, insight generation, and storytelling—seemed effortless to others, but it resulted from over 20 years of hard work. The guilt lay in my ability to produce high-quality work rapidly, making me feel like I wasn’t earning my keep. However, this perception was flawed.

True worth should be measured by expertise and results, not the time spent. This guilt reminded me to honour my journey and recognise that true mastery reflects years of dedication. Through open and vulnerable discussions with my circle, I realised other successful and capable women shared the same guilt. Knowing I wasn’t alone gave me the data point in my mind to shift my thinking. I also had to come to terms with my relationship with money and be comfortable with receiving it in a deserving way. I constantly need to remind myself of my worth.

The self-care guilt

As a dark-skinned woman growing up in a country like Malaysia, where lighter skin was the ideal of beauty, I struggled deeply with my confidence. When I entered the workplace, I only wore pants for the first 10 years of my career. I was not comfortable with how I looked, and I didn’t like my body.

Society’s constant messages that we are not enough to bombard us in every store, urging us to look and feel better. This pressure can turn self-care into a source of guilt, as we often prioritize caring for others over ourselves.

Balancing glowing skin, fitting into certain clothes, and dedicating ourselves to our families leave little time for personal wellness, leading to guilt when we finally do take time or spend money on ourselves. I didn’t understand what self-care was until I paid attention to proactively caring about my mind and body, focusing on making decisions on what nourishes me versus what I should look and feel like. When people say I’m glowing, I tell them it’s soul care. Not skin care.

Navigating workplace guilt

Navigating these challenges has been about more than just finding solutions—it’s been about understanding myself amidst conflicting expectations and learning to navigate guilt’s murky waters. For every woman managing her career and personal life, guilt can be a constant companion. Here are some ways I’ve learned to navigate through it:

Embrace Your Truth: Acknowledge and accept your feelings of guilt without judgment. It’s okay to feel torn between expectations and your own dreams.

Challenge Expectations: Question traditional beliefs that limit women’s roles. Define success on your own terms and forge your path with confidence.

Build Your Support Network: Surround yourself with people who understand and support your journey—mentors, friends, and colleagues who lift you up in moments of doubt.

Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself and recognize that guilt often comes from unrealistic expectations. Take care of your well-being and prioritize what matters most to you.

Assert Yourself with Respect: Stand up for yourself confidently while treating others with empathy and respect. Assertiveness is about clarity, not arrogance.

Keep Growing: Celebrate every achievement, no matter how small, and acknowledge the perseverance it took to get there. Each setback is a chance to learn and become stronger.

Embracing guilt as a catalyst for growth

Guilt, while uncomfortable, is a powerful force for self-reflection and growth. It compels us to examine our choices, understand our motivations, and strive for a balance that honours both our ambitions and our responsibilities. 

For those navigating similar feelings, guilt is not a weakness but a sign of your humanity. 

Overcoming guilt in the workplace isn’t just about overcoming challenges—it’s about reclaiming your power and shaping a path that reflects your true ambitions and values. It’s about breaking free from guilt’s grip and forging a life that resonates with authenticity and purpose.

Uma Thana Balasingam is the architect of RAW Leadership. She also is the founder and CEO of the Elevate and the Lean In Network in Singapore, and was formerly Vice President, Partner & Commercial Sales, Asia Pacific & Japan, VMware. For Her World, she writes about embracing emotions in the workplace.