How to stop being so angry at yourself

How it takes a toll on your mental health

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When self-directed anger becomes extreme, your mental health and overall well-being could suffer. It could encourage you to engage in negative self-talk that reinforces your negative feelings, which can lead to a vicious cycle of self-blame and self-criticism that can be difficult to break.

“Experiencing extreme self-directed anger can lead to feelings of low self-worth and self-doubt,” says Grace. “This can affect an individual's confidence and ability to pursue their goals and aspirations. Extreme self-directed anger can contribute to the development of depression and anxiety. It can be challenging to manage these emotions without professional help.”

It's also possible for extreme self-directed anger to lead to self-harming behaviours such as cutting, burning or hitting oneself. Grace explains that while these behaviours may temporarily relieve emotional pain, they can cause physical harm and long-term emotional distress. In some instances, self-directed anger could contribute to addictive behaviour, where individuals may turn to addictive substances such as alcohol and drugs, or other addictive behaviours such as gambling or binge-eating, as a way to numb or escape from their emotional pain.

“When we are extremely angry with ourselves, we may make impulsive decisions or engage in risky behaviours. This can lead to negative consequences that further reinforce our negative feelings,” says Grace.

There are, however, certain situations where being angry at yourself could be good for you. For example, it could be a motivator for self-change as it could charge you to take action.

“An empirical study on self-anger observed that it has higher coping potential than guilt and shame, enabling more confidence about their self-efficacy to change problem areas within themselves when experiencing self-anger,” Grace reveals. “Self-anger was also correlated with support-seeking behaviours, where self-angry agents create constructive conditions for self-improvement by enlisting care and encouragement from their networks, while agents who are feeling guilt and shame do not seek such supportive networks. One can better harness the emotion of self-anger over guilt and shame to capitalise on its motivational powers to create self-change.”

Grace also mentions that some people could be more prone to self-directed anger than others. For example, those with perfectionistic tendencies hold themselves to impossibly high standards and become angry when they fall short of these expectations. Also, individuals who have low self-esteem may be more likely to direct their anger inward because they may not feel worthy of love or respect from others. And people who struggle with guilt or shame may experience self-directed anger as a way to punish themselves for past mistakes or perceived failures.

People with certain personality disorders, such as borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder, may contribute to self-directed anger due to difficulties with regulating emotions or a distorted sense of self. And those who have experienced traumatic events such as abuse, neglect or violence may struggle with self-directed anger as a means to cope with their emotions and memories.

Tips to deal with self-directed anger

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So how can you deal with self-directed anger so that it doesn't turn destructive? Grace recommends doing the following:

Learn to regulate physiological arousal

This can help to reduce the intensity of one’s anger response. Relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, meditation and mindfulness can help individuals promote a sense of calmness, which can prevent them from reaching their boiling point.

Get active

Physical activity provides a healthy and constructive outlet for pent-up energy and frustration, even when it is self-directed. By stimulating the release of endorphins, these natural mood boosters help promote feelings of well-being and reduce stress and tension.

Have a laugh

Incorporating humour into one’s outlook in life can help individuals reframe their frustrations and reduce the automatic reaction of anger, leading to a more positive emotional state.

Use a cognitive framework

This can help manage one’s thoughts about the situation. It involves examining the evidence that supports one’s view of the situation, as well as considering alternative perspectives and explanations. By exploring different viewpoints, one can reframe their thoughts and manage their anger response.

Practice self-compassion

This can reduce self-directed anger by promoting a more accepting and kinder attitude towards oneself. Self-compassion involves three key elements: self-kindness, that is being gentle and understanding towards oneself, rather than being harsh or critical; recognising that all humans experience suffering, including oneself, and this is a normal part of the human experience; and mindfulness, which is observing and accepting one’s thoughts and feelings without judgement or avoidance.