Ask the expert: Why “soft toxic” colleagues drain your mental health more than you realise

Time and again, I meet clients who can’t pinpoint why they feel so worn down – until we trace their exhaustion back to the subtle but persistent pull of soft toxic colleagues.

“Soft-toxic” describes a category of behaviour that is subtle enough to pass as collegial but potent enough to wear you down. Think of the colleague who dominates your attention with chatter, treats you as their default counsellor, or hands over tasks framed as “just a quick favour.” None of it looks serious in isolation, yet the cumulative effect is unmistakable: diminished focus, rising resentment, and energy depletion that’s hard to articulate.

I often describe it through an analogy: imagine trying to steer a boat while someone beside you keeps offering you snacks, making conversation, and smiling warmly – all while dragging an anchor behind them. You’re doing double the work to stay on course, and you’re still expected to be pleasant about it.

That mismatch between how they appear and how they impact you is exactly what makes soft toxicity so emotionally costly.

The psychology behind feeling guilty for saying no

In Singapore, many of us grow up learning to be agreeable and to avoid conflict. This makes saying “no” feel far more emotionally loaded than it should be.

When a client tells me, “I don’t want to disappoint them,” what they’re really saying is, “Saying no threatens my sense of being a good colleague.” Some fear looking unhelpful. Others worry about reputational damage in workplaces shaped by informal networks or unspoken expectations to be sociable.

There’s also a social debt at play. If someone frames a request as “just a small favour”, declining can feel like breaking an invisible contract.

It’s not that people don’t want boundaries, but it just seems like setting them feels like it comes at an emotional price.

Guilt-tripping is emotional manipulation

Comments like “You’ve changed” or “You never hang out anymore” may sound harmless. But repeated guilt-tripping is a form of soft toxicity that slowly erodes a person’s self-esteem.

I’ve seen individuals begin to question their needs, doubt their decisions, or shrink their boundaries simply to avoid being judged. And when soft retaliation follows – exclusion from group chats, subtle side-eye, or being left out of information loops – people start becoming hypervigilant, scanning constantly for signs of rejection.

Over time, this drains cognitive bandwidth. Creativity drops, focus scatters, and burnout creeps in.

How to recognise when a work friendship has become imbalanced

Many people feel conflicted when the person draining them is someone they actually like.

The clues are subtle but consistent:

• You feel emotionally depleted after every interaction
• You’re always the one initiating, supporting, or accommodating
• Their warmth fluctuates unpredictably
• You experience a strange mix of affection and avoidance

When someone you trusted begins leaning too heavily on you, or subtly undermining you, it’s normal to feel guilty pulling back. But naming that imbalance is usually the first step toward clarity.

Why peer-level toxicity is harder to report

One reason soft toxicity persists is because it’s wrapped in ambiguity. Unlike a difficult boss, a peer doesn’t sit over you in the hierarchy, making the behaviour harder to define as bullying.

Reporting a colleague can feel like breaking an unspoken social contract, especially in tight-knit teams. Many of my clients fear being labelled “oversensitive”, “difficult”, or “not a team player”.

Soft toxicity shows up as microaggressions, emotional dumping, or passive-aggressive remarks – behaviours that are subjective and hard to document.

When clients ask where to begin, I tell them to describe the impact, not the intention.

Try: “I’ve noticed I feel anxious and small after our interactions.”

It’s clearer, safer, and puts the focus on the experience, not on whether someone “meant it”.

Reclaiming emotional boundaries when you’re drained

If you’re too tired to set firm boundaries, start small. You don’t need confrontation, but micro-adjustments could help. You can consider the following:

• Delay responses with phrases like: “Let me get back to you.” or “I’m on a deadline. Can we revisit this later?”
• Use calendar blocks as buffers, such as “admin time”.
• Keep conversations brief and professional.
• Avoid oversharing personal details that could be used against you.

These tiny boundaries often shift the dynamic without triggering conflict.

Mindset shifts and actions to consider when you’re working with someone who drains you

Not every situation can be fixed, especially if the colleague is well-liked or embedded in office politics. Sometimes survival is about strengthening yourself emotionally rather than trying to change the environment.

Here are the habits I encourage:

• Remind yourself: Their behaviour reflects their insecurities, not your worth.
• Protect your energy, not your image.
• Visualise emotional boundaries like a glass wall, a filter, or a shield.
• Keep interactions brief and neutral.
• End the day with grounding rituals: A walk, listening to your favourite music, or even a symbolic gesture like washing your hands.
• Ask yourself regularly: “Who do I want to be in this moment?” This could help to give us a conscious reminder that we can make a choice based on our values for every interaction we face.

Last words

Office culture sets the tone. When sociability is used to justify constant availability or emotional labour, it normalises overstepping.

When the language of teamwork is used to justify constant emotional availability, employees start to accept discomfort as part of their remit, allowing soft toxicity to take root quietly.

And if you’re in a workplace where saying no is punished or boundary-setting is unsafe, that points to a deeper cultural issue – one that you shouldn’t have to absorb alone. Sometimes the healthiest choice isn’t to stay and cope, but to leave.

Dr Tay Yi Ling is a clinical psychologist at Annabelle Psychology, with a decade of experience supporting adults navigating emotional distress, trauma, workplace challenges and long-term mental health conditions. She works closely with clients to make meaning of their experiences and rebuild psychological safety, both at work and at home.

Do you have a question about health, wellness or just life in general? Write to maghw@sph.com.sg, and we’ll have your query answered by an expert.