Ask the expert: What’s the best way to set boundaries with colleagues who don’t seem to recognise when they’ve crossed a line?

We don’t always get to choose our desk neighbours, but we do feel the effects of working beside someone who treats the office like their personal confessional. What starts as idle chatter can quickly become a daily disruption to your focus. In today’s open offices and hybrid set-ups, boundaries can blur. And in a culture where we’re taught to “be nice”, many people – especially women – feel guilty about speaking up. But over time, these small acts of overstepping chip away at your well-being, and you may not even realise how drained you’ve become.

The cost of being too polite

Singaporeans are no strangers to “paiseh” culture. We’re brought up to be agreeable, to avoid conflict, and to say yes even when we don’t really mean it. In the workplace, that often means letting things slide, whether it’s chatty colleagues, emotional oversharing or constant interruptions. If saying no outright feels too abrupt, start with something simple. You could say, “I’m on a tight deadline. Can we catch up later?” or “This sounds serious. Maybe it’s something HR could support.” Being clear about your limits helps others understand how to work with you, not around you.

When boundaries extend beyond your desk

Boundary-setting doesn’t end at your desk. In some companies, there’s unspoken pressure to show up for drinks or bonding dinners. If protecting your personal time makes you worry about being seen as unfriendly, focus on being present during work hours instead. Lunches, coffee breaks and casual conversations can go a long way in building rapport without sacrificing your personal time after work hours.

When it stop being “just annoying”

If someone’s disruptive behaviour regularly affects your ability to work, it’s worth stepping back to assess the situation. Start by checking in with your teammates. Is this something that others are experiencing too, or is it specific to you? That context matters. If the problem continues, consider raising it with your manager. Be factual and calm. Frame it as constructive feedback rather than a complaint. Document specific examples if needed, such as dates, e-mails or screenshots. Keeping track of what’s happening helps you raise concerns clearly and confidently.

But what if they’re everyone’s favourite?

This is where it gets tricky. When the toxic desk neighbour is well-liked or happens to be close to someone in leadership, you might hesitate to say anything. I get it. No one wants to look like they’re “rocking the boat”. If it feels safe, start by speaking directly to the person. Sometimes, people genuinely don’t realise how their behaviour is affecting others. But if that’s not an option, consider raising it with someone neutral, such as a different manager, who can help mediate the situation fairly. And if your efforts to speak up or seek support still lead nowhere, take that seriously. A healthy workplace does not ignore patterns of dysfunction.

Liyana Soh is the head of marketing at Jobstreet by Seek Singapore. With over 15 years of experience across tech, recruitment and e-commerce, she is passionate about helping jobseekers and companies create workplaces where people can truly thrive.

Do you have a question about health, wellness or just life in general? Write to maghw@sph.com.sg, and we’ll have your query answered by an expert.