Ask the expert: What does a healthy friendship actually require?

In The Collected Stories, Faith — a thinly veiled version of its author, Grace Paley herself — is confronted by her long-term friend Cassie, who asks why she is so often edited out of Faith’s retellings, despite having been there all along. It is a devastating scene, and not a bad metaphor for adult friendship now, where plenty of people are being written out of someone’s life.

According to a 2024 study by the Institute of Policy Studies, Singaporeans have an average of 6.49 friends, a plummet from 10.67 in 2018. By 2025, the picture can become uncomfortably recognisable: people aged between 21 and 34 were experiencing the highest levels of loneliness and social isolation.

Sociologists and psychologists have also long observed that most of our closest friendships were formed in our childhood, a period when forced proximity (some might say a school) did most of the social heavy lifting for us. It also makes sense because we were more open and trusting then, before adulthood replaced this emotional scaffolding with calendars, fatigue, and the occasional personality defect.

It raises a slightly uncomfortable question: Is it not paradoxical that maintaining a friendship becomes a choice every day, when it should be simple and easy? 

This is usually where the modern term “low-maintenance friendships” occurs, and often with the pride of someone describing their bond with someone as secure enough to withstand both long silences and scheduling failures. Sometimes, that is exactly what it is. Just as often, though, it means one person is being a little lazy and hoping the other’s maturity will cover for it.

Because while friendship should not feel like a hostage negotiation, it does require effort and the sort that doesn’t make it onto Instagram infographics about “boundaries” and “energy”. New-age advice loves to tell us to drop anyone who fails to “reciprocate”, which is not always wrong, but is often convenient. In less enlightened hands, it becomes an elegant way of saying: I would like all the rewards of intimacy, with none of the upkeep.

Here, Founder of The Connection Ground Dian Karnina and counselling psychologist Dr Chan Wei Xin unpack what it actually means to be a more mature friend, and why showing up, however imperfectly, still matters.

Take the initiative anyway, even if it makes you feel exposed.

Weixin (W): There is something vulnerable about taking the initiative and putting yourself out there. While we are capable of being independent, it is nice to experience connection. At the same time, we may have learned from past experiences that rejection can bring about feelings of embarrassment, shame, hurt or sadness.

If we have experienced rejection before, depending on the message we internalised from that event, we could be more likely to close ourselves off from opportunities to connect with others, as we may like to avoid another experience of rejection.

Dian (D): To add on, making friends as adults is different, as we no longer have the structure of school and the proximity, predictability, and consistency that it offers in facilitating connection. This means that adult friendships require us to be very intentional—and also more emotionally loaded as we take social risks and confront potential misalignment or rejection.

Weixin (W): Adult friendships, particularly in the initial stages, may involve looking out for verbal and non-verbal cues that the other person feels connected with us and would like to continue being as close or closer. 

It can feel like an awkward dance, as interest in a deep connection is not said explicitly by either person. If the signs we glean from the other person are affirmative, it would inspire greater confidence to take initiative.

Assume care can exist even when consistency does not

D: Another common factor is diffusion of responsibility: both people assume the other will reach out. Over time, this creates distance despite mutual goodwill. There’s also the reality that many adults don’t explicitly talk about their expectations in friendship and rarely have the capacity to bring up and process relational challenges, so misalignment may quietly build.

W: With growing independence, adults also shoulder more responsibilities and priorities outside of friendships compared to their younger years. One of the reasons adult friendships may seem less consistent is that adulthood can be tiring. Not everyone recharges by connecting socially, and some of us may need different outlets to recuperate outside of connecting with friends.

Even when both people care, the capacity each person has in the friendship could be different for various reasons. We may hold multiple roles from our work to personal life, while also tending to the needs of our physical and mental health as we carry heavier responsibilities.

Ask whether the friendship feels met, or whether it feels heavy

W: When you think about this friend, you feel at ease. You don’t feel pressured or have a sinking feeling that if you don’t do certain things for them, you could lose the friendship. You feel assured that you can communicate your feelings with each other. 

When you are speaking with your friend, you feel understood and comfortable, no matter how long it has been since you last talked. You don’t feel drained of your resources from being around them or talking to them.

D: In short, healthy effort reflects reciprocity: “I’m showing up, and it feels met”, while overfunctioning says “I’m carrying the connection, and it feels heavy”, which makes the friendship less sustainable.

W: Equally, I think being in a friendship with healthy effort means you do not feel like you are the only person holding this friendship up. The effort and care to sustain the friendship can be experienced as mutual, even if the actions are not the same. 

If you initiate a catch-up and a friend has declined this invitation, do they make an effort to share why it is hard to meet right now, offer to reschedule, or suggest connecting in a different way that is within their capacity?

Let the friendship be low-maintenance, but not low-care

D: Healthy low-maintenance friendships also require authenticity in showing up, alongside genuine acceptance of each other. There would be times that we inevitably experience misalignment and incompatibility, not out of harm, but simply differences. 

It takes curiosity and compassion to be able to process them together when possible, or allow the friendship to naturally evolve without taking things personally or wanting to exert control or change each other.

W: Based on my interpretation of low-maintenance to mean periods of not being in contact and an absence of grand gestures to show your friendship, I believe a friendship can be low-maintenance and still high quality, with the quality being the closeness you experience.

I think having reciprocal empathy, care, and respect can support closeness. If we have genuine care for our friend, we would not impose standards they feel pressured to meet in addition to the demands of their life. I tell my friends, “Any time to hear from you is a good time.”

Pay attention to what happens after the silence

W: Low maintenance does not mean no maintenance. If a friend has been reaching out to initiate a connection and has been met by repeated silence from the other person, it would seem the other person may not be reciprocating the level of care extended to them in this friendship. 

At the same time, we never know what is going on in our friend’s life in those moments. They may be struggling to stay afloat in their everyday life, feeling overwhelmed, or shut themselves off from everyone to cope.

D: If one or both people consistently avoid difficult conversations, don’t follow through, or only show up when it’s convenient, “low-maintenance” can become a way to bypass accountability. Healthy low-maintenance friendships still have periodic repair, responsiveness, and care.

W: I find the reconnecting aspect after a period of silence to reveal more of a person’s efforts in maintaining the friendship. Do they try to address this period of absence? Do they still seem interested in knowing how you are and would still like to maintain that connection with you?

Talk about your differences instead of personalising it

D: Healthy emotional maturity shows up as the ability to hold differences without personalising them. This requires the courage to show up vulnerably, but also the compassion to self and the other person when difficult emotions arise out of differences. 

It also involves the capacity to empathise, stay open to different perspectives, and remain connected even when you don’t see things the same way.

W: Sometimes, we may be the ones to acknowledge that we feel sad about not getting to see our friend as much as we hoped. Other times, we may be the ones to acknowledge that we have dropped the ball and have not been as present in significant points of our friend’s life as they had been in ours.”

If we were the ones who have gone quiet, we can still show we care by saying, “Sorry it has taken me a while to respond properly; I was going through a tougher time for reasons I can share with you when I’m ready”, or “Work has gotten really stressful lately. Thinking of you and would love to catch up when things are less intense!

Name the hurt gently instead of letting it come out sideways

W: When we feel hurt or disappointed, the first thing we can do is recognise that it is absolutely valid to have these feelings. When we try to understand our feelings and identify where the roots of the hurt come from, we can name how we are experiencing the situation. We need time to process these feelings.

D: It is about sharing impact and personal experiences instead of assigning blame. Gentle start-ups using ‘I-statements’ such as ‘I notice… I feel…’ tends to reduce defensiveness and increase the likelihood of repair.

W: Instead of lashing out, once we take time to understand our feelings, we can harness them and convey the core of what these emotions mean: ‘I am sad that we don’t talk as much as before. You mean a lot to me, and I am afraid of losing you as a friend.

Ask for support clearly, and notice when the need runs deeper

D: Friendships actually deepen through mutual support and responsiveness. Many adults struggle with this as they wish to appear independent, or they fear becoming a burden—probably contributed to by past experiences where their needs were not being met. 

But the exchange of help and support actually allows us to feel seen, heard, and cared for—which strengthens closeness in the friendship.

W: I think the way that we ask for help might matter. When we understand our feelings better, we may uncover unmet needs that our emotions are highlighting to us. The way that we ask for help to meet these needs can either reduce or add emotional distance in the friendship, depending on our approach.

If we are constantly needing reassurance, it may be a sign that there is something internal that is driving our unease in this friendship. We can deepen self-understanding by asking: Where is this need for reassurance coming from? What is the function of asking for reassurance? Could this be from a part of my past that has been carried over into this friendship?

Build friendship through small, repeatable acts of care

W: I believe resilience in friendships is not found, but built upon mutual actions of care over time, and from having overcome moments that tested the friendship. Even with like-minded friends, there could still be individual differences in how someone may like to experience their friendship with us.

D: Close friendships are built through repeated interaction and shared experiences over time, and these do not have to be grand. It’s about maintaining small, reliable signals of care. 

This could look like regular check-ins that signal interest, responsiveness, and care (not just simply updating each other), shared rituals, following through on plans, and acknowledging important moments like birthdays, milestones, or tough periods. 

W: Some questions that may be worth reflecting on for us and with our friends could be: What are the moments when we feel close to each other? What behaviours or gestures are appreciated in this friendship? What feels workable for each of us to continue maintaining the connection?

Notice persistent imbalance, and let yourself grieve what has changed

D: Given that healthy friendships are marked by reciprocity and responsiveness, the clearest sign is a persistent imbalance in effort and emotional investment.

W: When we see the signs, we can recognise that our friend has taken a different path in their life, where there may not be space for our friendship to be held on their side right now. This may not necessarily mean that they do not care for us anymore, or be reflective of your worth.

We can wish our friend well, and still hold space for gratitude as we think of the moments we experienced a connection with them before. It is natural to feel sad or hurt from this loss. If you are moving on from this friendship, allow yourself the space to grieve a relationship that was once meaningful and special to you.

The Connection Ground is a counselling psychology practice dedicated to offering a safe and inclusive space for all to foster personal growth and healing, with a focus on individual and couples therapy.