Why do friendships change as we age?

As adulthood takes hold, many women find their social circles shrinking. Work, family responsibilities, caregiving and whatever passes for personal time all compete for attention, leaving less room for friendships to be maintained in the ways they once were.

According to Her World’s What Women Want survey of 300 women across Singapore, 75 per cent say they have felt socially disconnected in the past six months. The top reasons were a lack of time (46.3 per cent), drifting apart from old friends (38 per cent) and difficulty finding like-minded people at the same stage of life (36 per cent).

To add to that, more than 80 per cent of women in the survey say their circle of friends has grown smaller over time, while 57.7 per cent say making new friends has become harder as they age. When support is needed, 55 per cent would turn to family, compared to 26 per cent who would turn to friends – even as family expectations continue to stack up.

When friendships evolve across life stages

Grace Ann Chua had noticed how friendships change when shared routines end and adult life begins.

Friendzone, which she co-founded in 2018, emerged from that observation, offering a space for friendships to form beyond dating or professional settings. It addresses a familiar question many young adults ask after graduation: Where do friendships go when life gets busy, and everyone starts moving through different chapters at different speeds?

“When you’re younger, friendships feel effortless,” she says. “Once everyone starts working, schedules diverge. Suddenly, staying connected takes intention.”

Dr Annabelle Chow, principal clinical psychologist and founder of Annabelle Psychology, says this drift often coincides with the stage of life when many women are carrying the most.

Drawing on role theory, she explains that adulthood, particularly in midlife, is when women tend to take on overlapping caregiving roles. With double-income families now common, many women are working full-time while also managing childcare, housework and emotional labour at home. “There’s barely enough energy left for yourself, much less for keeping up with friendships,” she says. 

The survey reflects this strain clearly: More than half of respondents feel expected to provide financial support to family and care for elderly parents, with over 40 per cent of them feeling the pressure to settle down or get married. This shows that expectations compete not just compete for time, but also for mental bandwidth.

Dr Chow also explains that friendships don’t fall away because they matter less, but because women are navigating constant mental overload. Social connection becomes something to be fitted in, rather than something built into daily life.

And yet, this is precisely when friendship becomes more than a “nice-to-have”. Dr Chow describes social relationships as “survivoristic” – not optional, but essential. A Harvard research has linked loneliness and social exclusion to the brain’s pain-related circuitry, and supportive relationships are widely associated with better stress regulation and emotional wellbeing. More broadly, a landmark meta-analysis from the Public Library of Science found that stronger social relationships are associated with a 50 per cent increased likelihood of survival over time.

Quality of friendships in the digital age

Most women aren’t disconnected in the literal sense. According to the survey, 84 per cent stay in touch through messaging apps and social media. Yet many still report feeling lonely.

“You can be constantly updated on someone’s life and still feel unseen,” Grace Ann says. “Nothing replaces being in the same space.”

Research supports this tension. According to studies published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, frequent online contact does not necessarily lead to greater emotional closeness, even when people interact regularly. Other psychological research, reported by the American Psychological Association, suggests that digital interaction can create a sense of connection without delivering the depth needed to ease loneliness.

Dr Chow agrees. Loneliness isn’t about how many people you’re connected to, but how deeply. She adds that digital closeness can maintain contact, but it doesn’t always sustain relationships, especially during periods of stress, change or grief.

Healthy tips on how to keep friendships alive

As work, caregiving and personal priorities take over, friendships often lose the momentum they once had. With less time and fewer shared routines, staying connected starts to feel harder to sustain. When that effort drops off, loneliness is often what follows.

Before that distance grows wider, a few small adjustments can help friendships feel steadier and far less lonely.

Here are some helpful approaches worth considering:

• Consistency is key: For Tiffanie Chia, community experience and partnership lead at FriendZone, adjusting expectations made a difference. “I don’t try to see friends all the time,” she says. “What works for me is fixing a date once a month with a group. The frequency is modest, but the consistency matters.” Predictable touchpoints remove guesswork and help friendships feel steady rather than fragile.
• Build in regular, low-pressure catch-ups: Some friendships stay alive through regular meals or activities where whoever is free turns up. Attendance shifts. The connection holds. These rhythms work because they lower the emotional effort of staying in touch, making connection feel possible rather than another thing to manage.
• Consider the “stacking” method: Dr Chow points to what she calls “stacking” – pairing friendship with something you already need to do. Exercising together. Walking while running errands. Catching up during routines rather than waiting for the perfect free evening. “When friendships are layered into everyday life, they become easier to sustain,” she explains. “You’re not choosing between self-care and social connection. You’re doing both.”
• Setting boundaries is still important: Saying “No” doesn’t weaken friendships; vanishing does. Dr Chow frames boundaries as a form of self-care rather than selfishness. Declining plans while still expressing care protects energy, prevents resentment, and makes showing up feel possible rather than draining.
• Ask for what you need in the season you’re in: Grace Ann believes clarity helps friendships adapt rather than drift. “Different seasons call for different kinds of support,” she says. What you need from friendships when you’re single, starting a family or caring for parents won’t look the same. Naming that shift replaces guesswork with understanding, and gives friends a fair chance to show up well.