Dating Diaries: Healing from micro-heartbreaks in the swipe era

Dating has never been a walk in the park, but it’s undeniably become harder in the age of apps. Navigating the world of love and lust is Natalia Rachel, a divorced mother-of-two, trauma specialist, therapist, poet and author. As she dives into the world of dating across different continents, she writes about her experiences and observations about our current generation of singles (and some not-so-singles) finding love. In this third Dating Diaries column for Her World, she laments the micro heartbreaks that come in the swipe era

It can be incredibly hard to keep our heart open after a heartbreak.

Our instinct will be to close down, self-protect and armour up.

This makes it hard to move towards the love we seek.

Either we shut down and walk away from it all together. Or we step forward with an arsenal of protective relational weapons that continue to explode or prevent the intimacy we’re craving.

In today’s modern fast-paced dating world, where the discard happens frequently, we may be subjected to the ‘micro-heartbreak’.

The micro-heartbreak is the let-down, dumping or discard that happens after only a few dates in. 

It’s becoming more and more common for people to have a great date, and on the way home, start swiping or planning a date with someone else. So, when there’s no electric shock waves or Hollywood moment within a few dates, it’s often ‘goodbye girlie, you’re not who I’m looking for.’ Sometimes, the rejection can (and often does) even follow an incredible few dates. 

Running away after highly intimate or connected experiences, is a well-known trademark of the emotionally unavailable man (and sadly, there are a lot of them around these days).

Whereas a decade ago, we may have experienced fewer but greater heartbreaks, these days, we are more likely to experience multiple micro-heartbreaks on the journey to love. While we may recover from each of them more quickly, compounded over time, a series of micro-heartbreaks can cause feelings of hopelessness and romantic burnout that can have a severe effect on our mental health.

So how do we keep our heart open when it keeps getting broken? And should we?

These are questions I ponder for myself and explore with my clients in session.

While micro-heartbreaks hurt, there are now par for the course when it comes to online dating.

If we are committed to finding love, they are something we must both prepare ourselves for and process in real time. Here are some ways to help ourselves through the highs and lows of finding love.

Ground the fantasy

When we meet someone that excites us, it’s common to start fantasising about a future together. While this is absolutely one of the fun bits of dating, if we get lost in the fantasy too soon, it can leave us feeling unprotected and even shattered when things end suddenly. Mature dating asks us to enjoy holding the fantasy, but at the same time to remind ourselves that it is early days and to let time either bring it alive, or let the connection run its course. Grounding ourselves in this way allows a connection to evolve organically, or end for all the right reasons… i.e. that there’s not a long-term romantic match.

Feel the feels

After a promising connection ends, it is important to go through the feelings of loss and distress that inevitably come with rejection. We tend to shame ourselves for being upset after such a short time, or question what we could have done differently. The truth is, getting dumped hurts. In the end, it’s not so much about what we could have done differently, but that this dude isn’t the right dude. As we honour our loss, we also honour our desire to be with someone who is the right fit, which ultimately will inspire us to keep dating.

Lean into friendships

There’s nothing more powerful on the dating journey than the close friends who will cheerlead us, give us pep talks and offer a shoulder to cry on through the ups and downs of it all. While we don’t want to overdo the drama or become an emotional drain, leaning into friendships to share about our experiences ensures we are not alone with it all, and reminds us of what love is all about…. Belonging.

Play play play

The dating journey can get all too heavy, especially after a few micro-heartbreaks or one very big one. The remedy is to play. This can look like anything from playing sport, to going dancing, taking an art class, or laying on the beach. In the process of play, we remind ourselves that our joy and vitality is not dependent on any man. It’s something that can be tapped through our own agency and intention.

Take breaks

If multiple micro-heartbreaks are taking a toll on your spirit, know when to take a break. Close the apps for a while and say no to the mind-melt that comes with the modern matrix of love. Sometimes a couple of weeks or months off allows us to restore and redirect our energy. There will often be a point where we feel ready to delve in again, perhaps more resilient than before, or more nervous than before, but ready, nonetheless.

Some may suggest that every time our heartbreaks, it creates more space to let in love.

As we sit with the aches in the aftermath of love lost, we can remind ourselves that this love lies deep inside us. And every time it is stirred, it is proof that love is not only possible, but inevitable. Every micro-heartbreak is love in motion. A signpost on the journey, directing us to keep going.