Modern dating: Why are relationships so hard now?

It’s 7.30pm on a Saturday night, and I’m on my first date with Jack*, a 29-year-old finance executive. Jack and I have only met once at a mutual friend’s party, where we exchanged contacts.

We’ve been casually texting back and forth since, but the banter is nothing much to write home about (that should have been my first warning). All is well for the first few minutes as we settle in at a cosy Japanese restaurant nestled in Amoy Street, get the small talk out of the way, and order our main courses.

And then: Jack begins recounting his dating life in painstaking detail.

Starting with his “first real girlfriend who was chill, but it got quite boring after a while” when he was 18. As the night proceeds, the list grows longer. At one point, between his third “huge K-pop fan which, to be honest, wasn’t a big deal at the start, until it turned out she was maniacally obsessed” (this is not verbatim, of course, because I had tuned out by this point) and fourth situationship, I ask what he’s interested in doing in his free time.

“Oh, we can talk about that later,” he dismisses my question, picking up a slice of aburi salmon belly and slurping it up, before continuing his chronological report of his dating life. Lovely. This monologue lasts until his last bite of the main course (I’ve already devoured my beef donburi since, well, there isn’t exactly a conversation).

“Should we get dessert?” “No!” I blurt out before I can stop myself. “Oh,” he looks a little taken aback. “I realise I have been monopolising the conversation, I’m sorry.” I instantly feel bad – at least he has some form of self-awareness? “So…” He takes a sip of his sake. “What else do you want to know about me?” I want to know why you think your past dating history is a suitable conversation topic for a first date, Jack. I want to know why you’re trauma dumping me. I want to scream.

About a month later, I meet Ethan. The 27-year-old also works in finance, but the vibe can’t have been more different. There’s fun, flirty chemistry, and conversations are easy. We can talk about everything under the sun (without oversharing, thank you universe). There’s an inherent comfort in his company, and we seem to share a lot of the same core values. But about a month and a half, four dates, and a ton of texting later, it’s official: Ethan is breadcrumbing me. He responds just enough to stay connected, but deliberately avoids firm commitments to plans.

It seems like I’m not the only one unlucky in love. When I meet my friend Natalie a few weeks later for drinks, she recounts her experience with a new guy: “He’s super attentive and pays attention to every word I say. He even made reservations at this steakhouse that I mentioned I wanted to try in passing. But that’s not the craziest part – he surprised me with a giant bouquet of red roses on the first date! And last week, on our third date, he gave me this bracelet,” Natalie thrusts a shiny gold charm bracelet in my eyeline, which gleams so brightly under the light that it blinds me for a second. She pauses. “Am I… getting love bombed?” (Yes, she was, for a couple of months after they got together, she discovered that he was emotionally manipulating her.)

The paradox of modern romance

“Trauma dumping ”, “situationships”, “breadcrumbing ”, “love bombing ”. If these words and concepts sound alien – or perhaps even exhausting – to you, well, you’re not alone.

Finding love has never been easy for most, but the road to love in 2023 is more complicated than ever. With much of the dating world now taking place online, it seems like the modern dating landscape is constantly evolving with the emergence of unsavoury micro-trends and buzzwords. “Dating has become so much more complicated now. Before, you were either in a relationship or friends with benefits. There was no in between like a situationship,” says Theo*, a 47-year-old banker, who recently started dating again after ending his 14-year marriage.

Could this be the reason why people are dating less? According to the Department of Statistics’ first report on the Census of Population in 2020, over the last 10 years, the proportion of singles across all age groups rose in Singapore, most prominently among those aged between 25 and 34.

The 2021 Marriage and Parenthood Survey released by the National Population and Talent Division from the Prime Minister’s Office revealed that half of single Singaporeans aren’t dating, and 38 per cent of those who weren’t dating have never dated before. Andrea Tan, a certified sex, love and relationship coach, notes that the drop in dating could be due to the significant cultural shift in how we perceive and express romance.

“The rise of technology and social media has brought about substantial changes in the way we approach dating,” she says. The constant exposure to carefully curated images and narratives of romantic relationships on social media has led to increased comparison and, at times, unrealistic expectations about what romance should look like. “Yet, we have to remember that dating is a process – with trials and errors, as well as activities and interaction – where we take time to slowly uncover if the other party is a potential romantic partner,” adds Andrea.

To win at romance, know your boundaries

The prevalence of dating apps and websites has also undoubtedly changed the way people meet and form romantic connections. These platforms have made it easier to connect with potential partners, but have also introduced new challenges, including an abundance of choice, as well as a lack of authenticity and trust.

And authenticity, especially in this era, is a huge factor. According to Tinder’s 2023 Future of Dating Report, Generation Z (defined as individuals aged 25 and below) places a higher emphasis on qualities based on values like loyalty, respect, and open- mindedness, rather than just physical appearance. They approach dating with a “take-it-or-leave- it” attitude, and are willing to exit a relationship or situation if it threatens their authentic selves.

Tinder’s Global Relationship Insights expert Paul Brunson describes this trend as “all or nothing dating”. Yuling Kok, APAC Communications, Tinder, explains further: “Such a phenomenon translates to authenticity being the key to successful dating among Gen Zs. This generation believes that welcoming everything – including aspects that are awkward, weird, and not conventionally discussed in the open (for example, personal mental health journeys) – about yourself is an intrinsic part of being sincere.”

Alex*, a 23-year-old designer, agrees that authenticity – which he defines as being open and transparent – matters more than looks when it comes to seeking out a potential partner. However, there’s a fine line between “being real and excessive trauma dumping, especially at the start of a relationship”. He cites a recent first date as an example: “I was taken aback when she began sharing deeply personal issues right from the start, and it quickly evolved into what I’d describe as ‘excessive trauma dumping’. The red flag for me was that she didn’t seem to be able to discern her own needs, desires, and boundaries within a new relationship.”

Redefining perceptions of a great partner

There’s also a change in what people are looking for when it comes to love. According to Bumble’s recent survey conducted in May 2023, Singapore singles defined a great partner as “someone who respected their personal space and boundaries” and “valued equality in the relationship”. The survey found that 81 per cent noted that “being kind is more important than physical attributes in a potential partner, with honesty and compassion being the top two defining characteristics of kindness in a relationship”.

Bumble’s dating trends report for 2023 also revealed that close to half of Singaporeans surveyed are now dating with intention, making sure to establish their emotional needs and boundaries from the start, and choosing not to overcommit themselves socially. If authenticity and boundaries are front and centre when it comes to the modern dating landscape, do extravagant romantic gestures, like elaborate first- date surprises, still hold a place in modern dating then, or are they seen as red flags for love bombing?

Says Lucille McCart, Bumble’s APAC communications director: “When it comes to extravagant romantic gestures as a way to express how you feel for someone, I don’t think this concept is dead, nor should it be. “If you are planning a big move for a new match or a partner, a good filter to run your ideas through is the level of familiarity you have with the other person – make sure the gesture is appropriate for how well you know each other.”

For example, giving someone a bouquet of 88 red roses on the first date like Natalie’s narcissist might embarrass them or seem over-familiar, she says. Save that for when your connection is more established, and you have a better idea of how they might react to it.

On the other hand, a cute text saying how much you enjoyed meeting them, and even asking them out on a second date, is likely to be well received. “In terms of what romance looks like in modern dating, it can really be anything from having a fancy anniversary dinner at a restaurant featured in your partner’s favourite movie, to buying their favourite chicken rice in Jurong and bringing it to their office in the East if they happen to be caught up with work,” adds Lucille.

Guarding hearts

Perhaps the downward trend when it comes to getting into relationships doesn’t signify disinterest or apathy. Instead, it signifies a deliberate effort to safeguard time and energy for more meaningful connections. So if the dating landscape might seem different superficially, ultimately, we’re all looking for love and connection – and more so today, when authenticity and endurance in the age of fleeting digital connections have become more potent desires.

For me, romance happens when both parties are invested emotionally, when expectations do not turn into obligations, and when boundaries do not limit horizons. A couple of months after my date with Jack, I was sharing the experience as a “top disastrous date recap” with a friend, when he asked if I would ever settle.

My answer: “Are you crazy?” Experiences like Jack and Ethan are unfortunate realities in modern dating. While such encounters might prompt me to take a break from dating, it doesn’t mean that I’m swearing off dates for life. Moreover, it doesn’t mean that I’m willing to overlook red flags and settle for any relationship.

Look, I might not have found my forever person despite being at an age when my grandmother already had three kids, but I’m looking for a very specific puzzle piece to complement my life. And if, right now, I can’t find that puzzle piece yet, that’s fine – I’d rather be happily single than be unhappy in a relationship.

*Names have been changed