Is closure overrated? Here’s why you don’t need answers to move on

When a relationship has reached the finish line, it’s not always easy to just walk away. Sometimes, we want answers as to why it ended. In fact, some of us need to know what happened and can’t move on without this explanation that we can only get from the other party.

This is known as closure. It’s the answers to unresolved questions such as ‘Why did they stop loving me?, ‘Why don’t they want to try to work things out?’ or even, simply, ‘Why?’. It’s what we need to come to terms with the fact that the relationship has ended.

Theresa Pong, founder and counselling director at The Relationship Room, says that, from psychological and emotional perspectives, closure can be understood as the mental and emotional state in which an individual feels a sense of completeness and acceptance regarding the end of a relationship. 

“When the individual no longer dwells on the past or feels the need to revisit unresolved issues, they have reached the final stage of the grieving process and are ready to close that chapter and move on to a new one,” she explains. “Additionally, when one reaches this point, they are able to reflect on the relationship with a deep sense of peace and acceptance.”

Giving yourself closure

Closure also doesn’t just come from the other party – finding closure within yourself is the other side of this coin. However, because this involves a process of self-reflection, it may take time so be patient.

To achieve this, Theresa advises to start by acknowledging your feelings and experiences related to the relationship; journaling can be a powerful tool for processing emotions and clarifying your thoughts. 

“Social support is also vital – engaging in conversations with trusted friends or a counsellor who can provide objective guidance can be helpful,” she explains. “Additionally, closure comes from understanding your emotions and recognising that healing is a gradual process, allowing you to create a narrative that offers hope for the future.”

It’s also important to understand your own feelings. This internal closure allows you to process your experiences, recognise your own needs and understand your emotional responses, says Theresa. 

“Through closure, you can experience growth and discover what you truly want and need in a relationship,” she reveals. “This step is also crucial if you decide to move on to a new relationship, as it helps prevent carrying emotional baggage into this new chapter.”

Anna* was dating L on and off for eight months when he told her they shouldn’t see each other anymore. “It came as a shock to me and I kept texting him for a few weeks after, asking why he wanted to break up but he never had a concrete answer, he just told me we should both move on,” she recalls. “In hindsight, I didn’t actually need any answers from him.

“I should have known that I was way more serious about him than he was about me as we didn’t actually date like a couple in a serious relationship,” adds the 35-year-old. “And, upon reflection, I realised it was almost always me asking to meet, not him. All I had to do was look within myself to see that the answer was always there.”

Moving on to the next chapter

While we might think of closure as the best way to shut the door on a relationship, it isn’t necessarily the be-all and end-all of a break-up. In fact, you shouldn’t let seeking closure be the thing that stops you from moving forward. 

Theresa says that, while closure can facilitate moving on, many individuals find they can still move forward, even in its absence. She cites personal growth and self-awareness as equally important in moving on from a relationship to a new chapter. 

“During this period of self-discovery and personal growth, it is essential for you to understand your attachment needs, emotional triggers and interactional patterns,” she shares. “Having this awareness can provide insights that empower individuals to form healthier connections in the future.”

Another crucial thing to remember is that, even if you get some answers from your ex, it might not be the kind of closure you’re looking for. After all, what if they say something you don’t want to hear? Or what if the truth ends up hurting you a lot more than just letting go? 

Also, understand that getting an answer doesn’t mean the hurt you’re feeling immediately stops. This is why looking after yourself is more important than any information you’ll get. 

Theresa stresses the importance of engaging in self-care, establishing strong support systems and allowing yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship. And, if necessary, you can seek help from a mental health professional to process these insights and work through this grief. 

If you’re working on getting closure within yourself at the end of a relationship, Theresa has the following five tips:

Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself during this process. Acknowledge your emotions without judgment. 

Reflect on the relationship: Take time to think about what you’ve learnt from the relationship and how it has shaped you. 

Set boundaries: If need be, create emotional and physical boundaries with your ex-partner to give yourself space to heal and grow. 

Seek support: Talk to friends, family or a counsellor who can help you process your feelings and provide a safe space for you to articulate your emotions and needs. 

Engage in self-care: Nurture your well-being with activities such as exercise, hobbies, reading self-help books or even mindfulness practices. Such activities will help you reconnect with yourself. 

* not her real name