Ask The Expert: Is it love bombing or genuine?

Dating someone new can be intoxicating. They want to see you all the time, text you from morning till night, remember your coffee order and are already talking about that holiday you should take together. You might think: finally, someone who actually likes me.

Or, if you’ve spent enough time on TikTok: Wait, am I being love bombed?

The term “love bombing” gets thrown around a lot these days, sometimes to describe almost any display of intense affection early in a relationship. But wanting to spend every waking moment together during the honeymoon phase doesn’t automatically mean someone is trying to manipulate you.

So, where exactly is the line?

We gave Violet Lim, CEO and Co-Founder of dating agency Lunch Actually, four real life dating scenarios and asked her to tell us: genuine affection or potential love bombing?

He wants to see me every day

The situation: We’ve been dating for just under a month and he wants to see me constantly. He picks me up from work, sends me home after dates, texts throughout the day and calls every night. It was sweet at first, but when I want an evening to yourself, he says things like, “I just miss you so much” or “I thought you’d want to see me too.”

The verdict: Pay attention to the guilt

Wanting to see someone every day isn’t automatically love bombing, says Violet. She’s met plenty of couples who were inseparable at the beginning and went on to have happy relationships.

Instead, she says the more important question is: What happens when you ask for a night to yourself?

“The healthiest relationships allow two things to be true at the same time: ‘I really miss you’ and ‘I respect that you need your own space’,” she says.

Your partner might be disappointed that they can’t see you, but they shouldn’t make you feel guilty for having a life outside the relationship. When “I miss you” starts becoming “If you really liked me, you would see me”, affection is turning into pressure.

As Violet puts it: “Do not judge someone only by how they treat your ‘yes’. Watch how they respond to your ‘no’.”

In other words, the number of dates isn’t the red flag. The guilt is.

He’s already planning our future together

The situation: It’s been a month, but he’s already said “I love you”, calls me “the one” and talks about holidays, moving in together and marriage. He’s even bought me an expensive necklace. When me suggest slowing things down, he tells me I’m overthinking the relationship.

The verdict: Chemistry can be instant. Trust cannot.

There’s nothing wrong with knowing you want a serious relationship. In fact, Violet sees being intentional about dating as a good thing. The problem arises when one person expects the other to reach the same level of commitment before they’re ready.

After only a month, someone might know there’s chemistry, but they don’t know you completely yet.

“Chemistry can be instant. Trust cannot,” says Violet.

While the expensive gifts and marriage talk might raise eyebrows, she says the bigger red flag here is how he reacts when you ask to slow things down. Dismissing you as an “overthinker” ignores a perfectly reasonable boundary.

“Someone who is genuinely serious about you will not be threatened by a healthy pace,” she says. “They will want the relationship to last more than they want it to move quickly.”

Everything changes when I don’t do what he wants

The situation: My boyfriend is incredibly affectionate, buys thoughtful gifts and constantly tells me how lucky he is to have me. But when I don’t reply for a few hours or make plans with friends, he becomes cold or ignores me. Later, he apologises and says he only acted that way because he loves me so much.

The verdict: This is where it becomes concerning

This behaviour can be harder to recognise because when things are good, they feel really good.

You may even start blaming yourself when his affection disappears. Perhaps you should have replied sooner. Maybe you shouldn’t have gone out with your friends. Before long, you’re changing your behaviour to avoid setting him off again.

“That is what concerns me here,” says Violet.

Insecurity may explain why someone reacts badly, but it doesn’t excuse giving their partner the silent treatment. A healthy partner can tell you they missed you or felt left out without punishing you for having your own plans.

“If affection disappears whenever you show independence, it is no longer simply affection. It has become a way of controlling your behaviour,” she says.

And no, saying “I only reacted this way because I love you” afterwards doesn’t make the behaviour romantic.

It feels intense, but also… easy

The situation: We’ve been dating for six weeks and we’re both clearly excited about each other. We text daily, meet a few times a week and he’s introduced me to his close friends. He remembers the little things and offers to pick me up from work. But when I’m busy or seeing friends? “Have fun, we’ll catch up another day.” There are no huge promises or pressure to rush the relationship.

It feels almost too good to be true. Surely there’s a catch?

The verdict: Nope. This is what healthy interest can look like

Apparently, we might have become so accustomed to romanticising dramatic relationships that a calm one can make us suspicious.

“Calm does not mean boring, and healthy does not mean lukewarm,” says Violet.

The key difference in this scenario is that there’s enthusiasm without entitlement. Your partner can be excited about you without expecting you to give up other parts of your life to prove that you feel the same way.

“The opposite of love bombing is not less love,” Violet adds. “It is love that leaves room for you to breathe.”

So, how can you tell genuine affection from love bombing?

According to Violet, there are three things worth paying attention to: boundaries, consistency and whether the person is actually taking the time to get to know you.

First, a genuine partner can hear “no”, “not yet” or “I need some time to myself” without guilt-tripping you or withdrawing affection.

Second, look beyond the grand gestures. Are they still kind when you disagree? Do they keep their word? Can they communicate respectfully when they’re disappointed? Genuine affection shouldn’t be given as a reward when you behave the way they want and taken away when you don’t.

Finally, ask yourself whether they’re interested in discovering who you actually are – flaws and all – or whether they’ve decided almost immediately that you’re perfect.

“Being placed on a pedestal is not the same as being known,” says Violet. “Being adored is flattering. Being understood is the stronger foundation.”

Love bombing doesn’t always look like a red flag

Perhaps the biggest misconception about love bombing is that you’ll immediately know something is wrong.

Often, Violet says, it feels wonderful. Someone is showering you with compliments, constantly messaging you and talking about the amazing life you’ll have together. For someone looking for reassurance that another person is genuinely choosing them, it’s easy to get swept up in it.

“Love bombing does not always enter your life looking like a red flag,” she says. “Sometimes, it arrives looking like your dream relationship.”

Rather than judging someone by the size of their romantic gestures, Violet suggests looking at what comes attached to them. Are you expected to give them more time, attention or commitment in return? Do you feel cherished or indebted?

But does someone always know they’re love bombing you?

Not necessarily.

Some people may move too quickly because they’re lonely, afraid of rejection or simply caught up in the excitement of a new relationship. They may genuinely mean everything they’re saying at the time.

But, as Violet points out, good intentions don’t automatically make behaviour healthy.

The real test comes when you tell them how you feel. Someone who means well may be disappointed or embarrassed, but they’ll listen and adjust. Someone seeking control is more likely to dismiss your concerns, make you feel guilty or pile on even more pressure.

Ultimately, you don’t have to diagnose someone as a “love bomber” before deciding something doesn’t feel right.

If a relationship repeatedly leaves you feeling pressured, confused or afraid to say no, that in itself is worth paying attention to.

Because maybe the better question isn’t “Does this person really love me?” but “Do I still feel like myself while they do?”