Once called a "housewife", this former pastor is defying the stigma of being a stay-at-home dad

I never intended to become the primary caregiver in my family, let alone a stay-at-home dad (SAHD). When my wife Wai Jia, a medical doctor in the public health sector, had to return to work to fulfil a bond in early 2019, we had to make a decision about how to care for our two girls, who were then two years old and three months old.

I always assumed we would send them to daycare, while I continued my work as a church pastor. But the more we thought about it, the less sense it made. Why should I give my paycheck to a stranger to look after my kids? So four years ago, I decided to become a stay-at-home dad.

I asked myself, “How hard can this be? I’ve done hard things before.” I am a 43-year-old liver cancer survivor who had undergone a liver transplant when I was 10. Since then, I’ve participated in numerous triathlons and marathons, including the Ironman triathlon. If I could train myself to swim 3.8 km, bike 180km, and run a marathon in 14 hours, I could do this.

I was wrong. Compared to being a SAHD, running the Ironman was a warm-up. Becoming a SAHD drove me to despair. I struggled with the mundaneness of chores and looking after my girls. It felt like all my ambitions and dreams were gone. I felt stuck in this hopeless situation, and there seemed to be no way out.

Whenever I took my children to a “Mums and Tots” play group, I questioned my identity. What was I, a guy, doing among a sea of mums and children? Did I even belong? I was only there because I needed a place for my children to play.

Whenever I took my girls out, I felt like I was an exotic animal in a zoo as strangers would stare at me. Once, a cashier even pointed at me and called me a “housewife”. I can’t lie, that did not feel good.

I avoided awkward conversations with friends who would ask me what else I did, beyond being a SAHD. When they discussed their work and achievements, I felt like I had nothing to contribute. I longed for those days when I could hang out with my colleagues or friends. I felt ashamed, confused, and alone in my first year as a SAHD.

There were many times when I wanted to tap out, but I soldiered on. I am thankful for Wai Jia who, despite working full-time, still gave me time to rest and recover.

The joys of being a SAHD

By my second year of being a SAHD, I had a revelation. We were homeschooling our girls, and they were actually understanding what I was teaching them. I am no early childhood guru; all I did was spend time with them, day after day.

I discovered that my identity is not based on my work and accolades. I realised that I found greater joy when my girls reached a new milestone. Whether it was learning to walk or to spell, it was more joyful to see them grow than my own achievements. I am just as happy to see my eldest learn how to ride a skate scooter as I was finishing the Ironman triathlon.

As a father, what is the best investment I can make for my children such that they are resilient enough to face a volatile world as they grow up? It is by loving them, and the best way to express that love is to spend time with them. If I am going to do this, I want to go all in.

Changing mindsets

The other day, my kids watched a cartoon that stirred some unpleasant emotions in me. In the show, the father took his kids to the pool, but he forgot to pack all the necessities. In the end, it was the mother who came to the rescue.

When it comes to parenting, I agree that my wife is better at it as she is more nurturing and caring – but it doesn’t mean that I am an inadequate parent. Children need both their parents to thrive and be resilient. Maybe this is the reason why many fathers are not hands-on. After all, why do something I am told I am bad at when it is easier to outsource?

There are other societal factors that make it hard for a father to be a father. For example, instead of “Mums and Tots”, wouldn’t it be more inclusive if the playgroup was renamed “Parents and Tots”? I have heard from other SAHDs that when they take their children to the clinic, the nurse naturally assumes that their wife is the primary caregiver. At primary schools, teachers tend to direct questions to the mothers.

These incidents may seem minor, but they continue to reinforce the idea that fathers do not need to play an active role in parenting. Unfortunately, it is a loss, not just for the children, but for society as well. Primarily, children model values and social interactions from both their parents. I never realised that until I noticed the differences between how Wai Jia and I parent our daughters.

For example, my girls love to wrestle with me, and love it when I swing them around. They never do that with Wai Jia. Fathers cannot replace mothers, and vice versa. We as parents play unique and complementary roles in developing a child.

Dads are important, too

Being a SAHD helped me become a better father. When I married Wai Jia, I wanted to become a father – but I was clueless about fatherhood. I was raised by a father who was neither very affectionate nor warm, and I discovered that these are the values that my children need the most from me. And so, I had to change to ensure they are growing to their full potential.

Being with my children showed me that love isn’t just about caring for their physical well-being by paying the bills. Instead, it is about building a strong relationship by connecting with them physically. And since I am not working, I have the privilege to do so. That doesn’t mean that all fathers and mothers need to quit their jobs today. What I am advocating is that parenting requires fathers (and mothers) to be hands-on.

No one – not programmes nor institutions – can replace parental love. From a child’s perspective, this love is expressed when the parent is physically present with them. Each couple needs to decide on how best to raise their children based on their situation and the season they are in. It’s not as simple as following what everyone else is doing, or repeating the patterns of how you were brought up.

For Wai Jia and I, we believe this is the best for our children. So even if that cashier called me a housewife, my pride can take that hit. She couldn’t see what I saw, and I am even more determined to be the best SAHD I can be.

Before, I used to count down the hours before I passed the kids to Wai Jia. But now, I cherish every moment with them, because time is short. One day, my liver may fail, or my children will grow up. I can always make more money when I return to full-time work in the future, but I cannot turn back the clock and spend more time with my family.

Money comes, and money goes. But once time and relationships are gone, they are gone forever.

PHOTOGRAPHY Lawrence Teo
ART DIRECTION Ray Ticsay
COORDINATION Chelsia Tan
GROOMING Benedict Choo, using M.A.C
OUTFIT Jacket and T-shirt, stylist's own. Jeans, model's own. Shoes from Onitsuka Tiger