Petrina Kow on the struggles of being a caregiver

In a cruel twist of fate, Petrina was also diagnosed with stage 2 nasopharyngeal cancer in 2020. She'd consulted a ear, nose and throat specialist after spitting out blood-tinged yellowish phlegm and having difficulty breathing, and following a scope and MRI, a polyp in her nasopharynx was confirmed to be malignant.

However, her experience as her late mother's caregiver taught her to stay hopeful in the face of adversity.

"I was determined to take on my diagnosis with hope and positivity since I'd already journeyed through a cancer diagnosis with my late mother."

It also taught her how to care for her own caregivers.

"I did not want them to feel like they need to put up a strong front for me and keep their emotions in. I wanted them to embrace their curiosity and confusion so we could journey together and emerge stronger," she says.

"Many caregivers do not realise that taking care of themselves means allowing themselves to provide the best care. There is no guidebook to caregiving and it is often reactionary to the situation at hand."

Petrina has been cancer-free for a little over one year but she has several takeaways from being a cancer survivor.

"There were moments in my cancer journey when I wondered if this was going to be a last moment with someone. I remember slowing down and taking in the moment with those closest with me—becoming aware of my breath, my thoughts and the details of the moment," she lets on.

"Ironically, I didn’t have the wisdom to do that with my mother when I was her caregiver. I was too preoccupied with putting on a front. As such, I encouraged my caregivers to share any feelings of doubt and anxiousness with me so we could work through them together. These open discussions in turn allowed me to get the exact support I needed and helped me to grow closer with my loved ones."

Got a loved one with cancer but don't know how to show them support? Petrina recommends first processing your own feelings. Then, take the time to learn more about their diagnosis.

"Your friend may not want to talk about the details for many reasons. Plus, it can be physically and emotionally tiring to repeat the same information to different people." she says.

If your loved one finds it difficult to ask for support, you can always take the initiative to offer it, but you should be careful to treat them no differently.

"Talk about topics outside of cancer and ask about their other interests—people going through treatment sometimes need a break from talking about the condition. It’s also best to refrain from commenting on any physical changes if you are unsure how they are coping. 'It’s good to see you' is a good place to start."

If you're struggling as a caregiver, Petrina stresses that it is important to take care when giving care, especially of yourself.

"The physical and emotional demands of caring for a loved one with a serious illness can be exhausting and can even lead to burnout. It's important to maintain your own well-being so you can provide the best possible care for others," she says.

She also recommends that caregivers join support groups so that they may not only hear from others who may be having similar troubles but also find power in community. And if you are searching for some resources to turn to, you can check out Caregiving 101 or an online discussion guide.

"It is crucial to be equipped with the latest information on newer treatment options in the horizon since treatments are constantly evolving."

Petrina Kow was commissioned by MSD in 2021 as part of its ‘I Can. We Will.’ lung cancer campaign.