How to tell if you are an eggshell parent, or if you had one

Being an ‘eggshell parent’ means being emotionally unpredictable and prone to mood swings – causing someone to walk on eggshells. It refers to parents who may have extreme highs and lows in their moods, engage in verbal abuse or punishment, manipulate or lie, and may make their children feel guilty or responsible for taking care of them. One minute everything is fine, and the next, it’s not.

On TikTok, the term ‘eggshell parents’ has more than 300 million views.

"In psychology, the word “eggshell” is commonly described by those around an individual who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). People with BPD exhibit intense, unstable, and rapid shifts in moods or emotions," says Dr Chow. "That unpredictability of never knowing what kind of mood they will be in is commonly described by psychologists as “walking on eggshells”.

It is likely that the term “eggshell parenting” means something similar from the perspective of a child towards their parents. However, we should be mindful that parenting is not easy, and many parents may be inconsistent as they adapt their parenting strategies to fit their child’s temperament, behaviour, or feelings, or as they learn new parenting strategies. I would be hesitant to identify a particular disorder or diagnosis to be associated with parenting styles and behaviours without understanding the full picture."

An eggshell parent can lead to negative impacts on the child's well-being.

"From the perspective of the children, eggshell parenting likely means experiencing various effects. They feel that the parental behaviours are inconsistent and lack a discernible pattern. This inconsistency creates uncertainty and confusion within them," says Dr Chow.

"Additionally, they feel predominantly hypervigilant, anxious, inability to predict their parents’ reactions or behaviours. This constant unpredictability leads to a heightened state of alertness and discomfort. Furthermore, these children often find themselves assuming the role of the “parent” in their interactions. They are forced to manage their own emotions and behaviours in order to prevent or avoid unpleasant outcomes.

Over time, the repeated interactions with an eggshell parent can lead to emotional trauma for the children. Even if the parent’s behaviours or emotions appear appropriate in a specific setting, the child may still feel traumatised when interacting with them. This cumulative impact takes a toll on their emotional well-being, creating lasting effects that can be difficult to overcome."

Keep in mind that even for these “eggshell parents”, their intentions are unlikely to be malicious – they’re trying their best in their own way, and in the circumstances that they’re in.

Another factor to consider is the potential effects of intergenerational trauma, whereby some parents may be unaware of the origin of their negative automatic beliefs or behaviours, and the subsequent impact and transmission onto their children. These parents are likely to have experienced their own version of a difficult childhood or inconsistency from their own parents as well.

It is recommended that parents who have been through adverse childhood experiences gain insight into their experiences from credible sources, or therapy, to process, increase awareness, and change maladaptive habits or beliefs. There are also many parenting training programmes available for those who require guidance in learning to be better parents. These interventions guide parents on ways to reinforce positive behaviour and rules, attune to children’s needs, and manage problem behaviours with children.

Children would also benefit from committing to and attending regular individual psychotherapy, to discover, process, and learn strategies to work through their experiences, in order to pave the way for healthy, meaningful relationships with others.

Dr Chow notes that in order to identify these eggshell parents, you should keep an eye out on these behaviours exhibited either by yourself or your parent:

1. Low self-esteem: Children who were raised without a sense of unconditional love and acceptance from their parents may struggle with self-worth and self-esteem, or find it difficult to be vulnerable with others.

2. Predisposition to psychological conditions: As a result of trauma over a long period of time, children’s risk for conditions such as depression, anxiety, or substance use disorders increase. Many of these conditions manifest or reappear later in life.

3. Feeling responsible for the emotions of others: If the parent has Borderline Personality Disorder, then it could be closely associated with codependency. Children may often feel responsible for their parents’ emotions, and they may exhibit similar patterns in other relationships where they remain hypervigilant and anxious, and try to predict their partners’ or counterparties’ reactions or behaviours.

4. Confusion about their identity: Due to the sustained inconsistency and shifting perceptions of how they should behave, children with BPD parents may become confused about how they “should” behave. These children may struggle to find their true identity.