Dear Therapist: How can I forgive my tiger parents?

Got a personal dilemma that’s stressing you out? In Dear Therapist, trauma expert Natalia Rachel untangles your knottiest issues and answers your burning questions about life, love, and everything in between. If you have a question, you can email us at magherworld@sph.com.sg or slide into our DMs at @herworldsingapore on Instagram.

Dear Therapist,

My parents were the epitome of tiger parents. I grew up with a lot of pressure to excel; any grade less than an A+ was frowned upon, and extracurricular activities were graded as well.

I understand now that this pressure that resulted in my type A/ perfectionist personality today. I am constantly on edge and even suffered from anxiety attacks at one point. I am now slowly learning how to let go of these crazy expectations I have for myself.

But still, whenever I slide back to my old behaviours, I blame my parents and can’t let go of the resentment I have. How can I learn to forgive, move on, and forge a new chapter in our relationship?

From, Still Reeling From My Childhood

Dear Still Reeling From My Childhood,

Forgiveness can never come from a place of force. It is an organic process that often arises when we commit to our own healing.

Claim your anger and set it free

When we don’t make space to feel and express our anger, we internalise it. For some, it can feel like a constant undercurrent of resentment, while for others it feels more like a burst of fiery rage that is triggered once in a while. The more we try not to be angry or simply move past it, the deeper the suppression and the more intense the feelings become. Anger needs to be given a voice so it can be freed and leave us.

The way we choose to do this will be very different depending on our family and cultural upbringing. It also depends on other’s people receptivity to hearing our anger. Oftentimes, our anger isn’t welcome, so we need to find a way to channel it. This may be through writing, running, boxing, screaming at the top of our lungs or speaking it to someone who is ready to listen (like a therapist). Once we set the anger from the past free, the present feels very different.

Talk to the mean girl in your head

When we develop a perfectionistic nature due to being pushed hard as a child, we will often develop a mean girl voice that lives inside our head and shames us regularly. Every time she berates us, she stokes the anger inside us. This mean girl part of us is the amalgamation of all the pushy shaming blaming voices from our past.

Healing asks us to recognise this and begin to set really firm boundaries when she’s ‘speaking’. As we learn to say ‘no’ to our inner mean girl, we learn to say ‘yes’ to compassion and kindness. This inner reframe can take a lot of repetition and requires epic amounts of patience. As we cultivate more self-compassion, we will also find more compassion for others… even our parents.

Maintain your independence

One of the steps in healing enmeshed family dynamics is called ‘differentiation’. This means finding the boundary between you and them. When we have grown up in enmeshed family dynamics, our parent’s perception of us becomes our perception of ourselves. So, if they disapprove of us, we will effectively disapprove of ourselves. As we cultivate more self-compassion we learn to differentiate our sense of self-worth from the way our parents perceive or express.

This means noticing every time you sense their judgement or bias being expressed and not allowing it to change your own self-perception. This is very deep inner work. However, this is the final step towards authentic forgiveness. When we are no longer being altered or harmed, and we understand the nature of intergenerational trauma, we can set ourselves and them free.

Sending you a dose of compassion as you move towards healing.

XO,
Natalia Rachel

Disclaimer: The Dear Therapist column is for informational purposes only. The advice given does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental-health professional, or other qualified health providers with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition, and never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website.