How to figure out your apology language (and why you should)

This form of apology is simple – it’s expressed in the act of saying “I’m sorry”. While it might sound like a common thing to say for some, for others, their pride or guilt might hold them back from saying those two words.

Example: “I feel so bad for forgetting to complete this task, I’m so sorry.”

Accepting ownership is when someone takes accountability for their mishap. It’s not just simply conceding the wrongdoings, but also accepting responsibility for them. As this apology language requires one to take personal ownership for the mistake without making excuses or projecting it onto others, it requires a certain sense of maturity; as it’ll require the speaker to identify specifics of what they did wrong and put aside their ego and pride to acknowledge the wrongdoings.

Example: “This is on me, I should have known better. I should not have done that, and there's no excuse for it.”

This particular form of apology, also known as planned change, is not just about taking responsibility, but also about a change of behaviour. The key thing here is verbalising your desire to change. Those who accept apologies that are genuinely repenting are typically ones who prefer to see actions, not just words.

Example: “Here’s what I’m going to do to make sure that this does not happen again.”

Similar to genuinely repenting, this apology language is about apologising through action. This form of apology is typically about “repaying” something that might be misplaced or broken; the person who is apologising is offering a visible demonstration in monetary terms. Making restitution can also occur in situations such as when a person is betrayed, and the one who did it tries making it up to them with gifts. For some, this might be similar to a bribe.

Example: “Please accept this laptop as a gift to show you how sorry I am.”

The fifth and final form of apology centres around asking for forgiveness from the hurt party. This puts the emotional power back into the hands of the person who was hurt. This request to be forgiven can be very difficult for some to do, as it can make the person feel very vulnerable. On the other hand, for the individual who is being asked, they might feel a lot of pressure as well, especially if it’s too soon after the transgression has taken place.

Example: “Please forgive me for my insensitive comments during our meeting earlier, I did not mean to cause any harm.”