Just say no: How to set healthy financial boundaries with friends and family

Coming from a family with strong Asian values, Miki Chia always thought it was her duty to provide her parents with an allowance as soon as she started working.

The 36-year-old would give her mother $1,200 a month, but that was not all. Recalls the librarian: “My mum, who runs a hawker stall, would sometimes ask for help to cover the rent. She also takes care of stray cats, and she’d ask for money to send them to the vet.”

At one point, Miki had less than $10,000 in her bank account, and her only investments were insurance-linked. She says: “I love my mum, but these incidents became so frequent that I was giving more than what was agreed upon, yet I couldn’t say no out of guilt. I grew incredibly resentful, especially as we had already wiped out our savings with hospital treatments for my late father.”

Caught in a similar situation, compliance officer Eloise Tan is the eldest of three siblings – they still turn to her despite being well past their college years. In addition to footing the entire bill when the family goes out and funding their purchases, she also contributes to household expenses as her parents have limited income.

“Initially, I didn’t mind helping out because I wanted to ease the burden on my parents and give my siblings the opportunities I didn’t have,” says the 31-year-old.

But this has started to take a toll on her savings and future plans, like buying a home or travelling. She has attempted to create boundaries by asking her siblings to share costs or take on their own financial responsibilities – but it’s been met with resistance.

“My siblings argue that I’ve always helped, so why stop now? My parents also feel I should continue because ‘family comes first’. I don’t want to create conflict or seem like I’m abandoning my family, but I’m starting to feel frustrated and taken for granted,” she shares.

Designer Tan Min Yee faces the conundrum of being pampered financially as the “baby” in her family, yet having friends who keep pestering her for cash.

Says the 29-year-old: “On one hand, I feel like a charity case, when actually, I want to feel more independent. On the other hand, my friends will tell me they are too broke, or their family is not as wellto-do as mine, and take months to return what they borrowed, or not at all, despite multiple reminders.”

She adds: “I know I have a problem with saying ‘no’ and being firm when it comes to people close to me, but they always seem to have a good reason.”

Why it’s hard to say no

Clinical psychologist Annabelle Chow of Annabelle Psychology notes that signs of stress related to additional financial obligations include conversation avoidance or frustration when it comes to certain topics, overwork in order to increase earning capability, and even physical symptoms like headaches or insomnia.

She says: “They might sacrifice basic needs to cope, such as cutting back on meals or skipping personal expenses, which can damage their usual self-care routines. This may lead to emotional exhaustion, guilt for not doing ‘enough’, or resentment towards the borrower over time.”

Saying “no” can be difficult due to a sense of responsibility and loyalty, a psychological response to fostering social bonds, and other psychological factors like identity or self-worth tied to being a “provider”, says Annabelle.

“While beneficial for collective well-being, the need to foster social bonds and group survival can conflict with personal financial health when individuals feel regret or guilt for prioritising their own needs over helping others. This is especially common when assisting family and friends, where emotional attachment intensifies the feeling of obligation.”

She adds: “Some family members or friends may unintentionally use emotional tactics, such as guilt, emotional appeals, or creating a sense of urgency. These tactics can trigger feelings of responsibility, fear of conflict, or concern about damaging relationships, making it difficult to say ‘no’.”

Jean XM Chen, veteran counsellor and director at Relationship Matters, shares another perspective: “There is a difference between doing things out of love and obligation. It is healthy for family members and friends to sacrifice for each other if there is equal give-and-take. However, if one feels that it is more out of obligation, it is possible that one may be hoping to fulfil the expectations of one’s parents, significant others or maybe even society.”

Drawing the line

It can be tough setting boundaries with those near and dear, but possible and necessary – especially if these financial burdens drain both your bank account and emotional reserves. That said, how do we take effective and actionable steps to put healthy boundaries in place, with the aim to prioritise our own financial health?

“Saying ‘no’ or setting boundaries protects your financial health and avoids feelings of resentment or guilt. Most of my clients find that clear, respectful communication preserves relationships, while ensuring that their commitments align with what they can realistically afford,” says Karen Tang, certified financial planner and senior wealth management consultant. She is also a financial literacy advocate at KarenTang.sg.

This benefits the borrower as well.

“Clear boundaries foster accountability and financial independence. It will also encourage them to seek sustainable solutions rather than constantly relying on others,” says Annabelle.

“This can keep relationships and friendships strong and intact because all parties are clear about each other’s expectations, and so wouldn’t feel overly hurt when expectations are not being met,” adds Jean.

In the end, it boils down to two things – willingness and ability, notes Tan Huey Min, general manager at Credit Counselling Singapore. The independent, non-profit, social service agency has been helping debt-distressed individuals through counselling, education and facilitating debt repayment arrangements, where suitable, since 2004.

“As much as you treasure this friendship or family bond, you also have to be realistic. So as best as you can, ask for time to stock-take your own finances. There’s also a chance you may not get the money back,” she says.

One strategy Huey Min outlines is to propose a compromise instead of flat-out rejection. After doing your sums, let your loved ones know how much you can afford to give instead of the amount they are asking for. However, she cautions against helping to pay off gambling debts, and to instead offer other support.

This approach of seeking common ground helped Miki, who managed to convince her mother to shift to a canteen stall with lower rental. Her mother now asks for additional money only when it’s urgent. There are other scenarios where one should put their foot down, advises Karen.

This is when requests could jeopardise your own essentials like paying bills, saving for retirement, or maintaining an emergency fund; significantly delay key objectives such as buying a home; or spiral into an ongoing obligation. If you still have trouble saying “no”, Annabelle shares some gentler ways to do so, which could benefit Eloise and Min Yee.

These include written communication, offering non-monetary support instead, or using “I feel” statements to express feelings and reasoning while maintaining respect and understanding. For instance, “I feel stressed because I am currently focusing on paying off my own debts. I hope you can find an alternative way to manage this situation.”

She adds: “Ease into boundary-setting by starting with minor limits, such as politely declining small requests or giving yourself time before responding to financial asks. You can also rehearse your responses to reduce anxiety and increase confidence, and be proactive in communicating your financial boundaries. Setting boundaries is not an act of selfishness.”

Karen concurs: “Declining a financial request doesn’t make you uncaring or the bad guy. It shows you’re taking responsibility for your own needs, which ultimately allows you to stay supportive in ways that matter and are sustainable.”

Where you can turn to for financial assistance and support

GOVERNMENT SCHEMES

● The Ministry of Social and Family Development’s Comcare supports lower-income households with basic living expenses. Visit msf.gov.sg/what-we-do/comcare, or call 1800-222-0000 (7am to 12am daily).

● The Ministry of Health’s Medifund helps Singaporeans who face financial difficulties with their remaining medical bills after government subsidies, insurance and Medisave. Find out more at moh.gov.sg/managing-expenses/ schemes-and-subsidies/medifund.

● The Ministry of Education’s financial assistance scheme supports Singapore Citizens in financial need with school fees and other expenses. Visit moe.gov.sg/financial-matters/financialassistance for more information.

● A good aggregator of government schemes is the LifeSG website life.gov.sg/guides/financialassistance – the information is also available at one’s fingertips on the LifeSG app.

OTHER HELP

● Annabelle Psychology offers lower rates for eligible clients who need mental health support but may not be able to access professional help while maintaining financial stability.

● Credit Counselling Singapore conducts free weekly talks and workshops to help individuals address unsecured debt issues.