Op-ed: How I stopped letting shame shrink me at work

“For years, I thought playing small was professionalism. It took unlearning survival rules to finally see the cost of disappearing.”

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No one taught me how to survive as a brown woman in the corporate world.

There was no handbook. Just rules I absorbed.

At first, I thought they were just strategies for success. But deep down, they were something heavier: shame.

Because shame doesn’t always scream. It whispers: “You’re too much.” “Tone it down.” “Blend in or you don’t belong.”

And so, I learned to make myself smaller.

I waxed my arms, legs, even my face before big interviews, because being hairy and brown felt “unacceptable.”

I told myself it was about looking polished, but really? I was terrified of being noticed for the wrong reasons.

I learned to speak perfect English, stripping away the Tamil my parents once taught me. They insisted on “good English” as my armour, and I wore it well – polished, practiced, powerful.

But behind that armour, I felt the sting: that my mother tongue and my cultural voice were not welcome in the rooms I wanted to enter.

I stayed out of the sun and used Fair & Lovely cream, believing lighter was safer. I didn’t bring curry to the office for lunch. I didn’t oil my hair unless it was Diwali. You’re allowed to be brown when it’s festive. The rest of the time? It was just felt safer to blend in.

I curated my wardrobe to disappear: no bold lipstick, no bangles, no bindis. A small stud was acceptable, but nothing that shouted or hinted of where I came from.

And I smiled when people mispronounced my name, because being “easy to work with” felt more valuable than being seen.

I didn’t think of it as shameful back then. I thought it was ambition and being “professional”. I was “playing the game”.

But looking back, I see it for what it was: The quiet, corrosive belief that who I am, in my skin, my culture, my fullness, was somehow “too much”.

That’s what shame does. Beyond silencing you, it also shrinks you.

How shame shaped me

Shame doesn’t live in one big moment in the workplace. It builds up in a thousand small ones.

It was there in meetings where I stayed quiet, even when I knew the answer, because I didn’t want to be seen as “pushy.”

It was there when I let people mispronounce my name because correcting them felt like trouble.

It was there when I didn’t negotiate for my worth because I didn’t want to seem “difficult.”

If you’re in your first internship, your first promotion, or the only woman in the room, shame might sound like: “Don’t speak up, you’re lucky just to be here.”

And little by little, you start to believe it.

Shame seeped into my skin, my voice, my presence… until I couldn’t tell where it ended and I began.

The turning point

The shift came slowly over years, through therapy, reflection, and sheer exhaustion from performing a version of myself I thought the corporate world would accept.

One day, I caught myself thinking: “Why do I keep making myself easy to work with, even when it costs me being seen for who I truly am?”

That was the moment I named it: shame.

And naming it changed everything.

Because shame thrives in silence. Once you name it, it starts to lose its grip.

How I reclaimed myself

Here’s how I stopped letting shame write my story:

  1. I named it. When that voice said, “You don’t belong here,” I answered back: “This is shame talking. It’s not the truth.”
  2. I traced it. I asked myself where these beliefs came from. Is it from my culture? My upbringing? Or unspoken corporate rules? I then decided which ones I wanted to keep.
  3. I challenged it. I replaced the script: “I belong here. Not despite of who I am, but because of it.”

And I started showing up differently.

I bring my culture into the rooms I lead. I correct my name. I wear the red lipstick. I take up space – not by editing out the parts of me that make people uncomfortable, but by standing fully in them.

And here were some thoughts and reflections that helped to reframe my mindset:

  1. Where in my career am I carrying shame quietly?
  2. What part of myself have I been editing out to be taken seriously?
  3. What would it look like to take up space there unapologetically?

What can women do when shame shows up at work?

If you’re just starting out in your career, or find yourself in a room where you feel like the odd one out – here’s what’s helped me, and what you can start doing today.

  • Call it by its name: The next time that inner voice that whispers, “Don’t speak up. They’ll think you’re too much,” pause and say, “That’s shame speaking. It’s not the truth.” Naming it helps create distance between you and the feeling.
  • Correct them gently but firmly: When someone mispronounces your name, correct them. When a colleague takes credit for your idea, reclaim it. These micro‑actions send a powerful message that you deserve to be seen and heard.
  • Rewrite the script: When shame whispers, “You shouldn’t ask for more money,” remind yourself: “My work has value. Negotiating is part of leading.”

    If it says, “Don’t stand out,” respond with: “I’ve earned the right to be here.”
  • Find your people: Shame isolates. Connection breaks it. Whether it’s a mentor, a trusted colleague, or a community of women, surround yourself with people who remind you that you’re not alone in this.
  • Take one bold action: Wear the red lipstick. Speak up first in the meeting. Bring the food that smells like home. Each small act of reclaiming yourself chips away at shame’s hold.

Final words

If you’re reading this and recognising yourself in my story, you’re not alone.

Shame often lives quietly in us, found in the accents we soften, the ambitions we tuck away, the parts we conceal just to belong.

But here’s the truth: you don’t have to earn belonging by shrinking yourself.

Shame doesn’t get to write your story. You do.

Uma Balasingam
Photo: Uma Thana Balasingam

Uma Thana Balasingam is the architect of RAW Leadership. She is also the founder and CEO of The Elevate Group and the Lean In Network in Singapore, and was formerly Vice President, Partner & Commercial Sales, Asia Pacific & Japan, VMware. For Her World, she writes a column, Feminine Fortitude, about embracing emotions in the workplace.

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