Are you just venting to your friends or are you trauma dumping?

Know the difference between the two and speak to a professional if you need to

By Balvinder Sandhu - 28 Mar 2023

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Have you ever been in a situation where you find yourself telling a colleague you're not close to very personal details about your life? Or are you always talking about your problems when you're having conversations with friends, without asking them how they're feeling. Maybe you're constantly ranting on social media about that one thing that gets to you and end up sharing too much. In all these situations, what might seem like innocent venting to you might actually be something toxic – trauma dumping.

Jean XM Chen, director and counsellor at Relationship Matters, tells us that venting is a release of frustration and stress to someone we feel a sense of acceptance with. And while trauma dumping is not a clinical term that is used by counselling professionals, it is generally understood as sharing negative emotions that affect the listener negatively. The difference is that trauma dumping doesn’t take care of the feelings of the listener – you're doing it without their consent.

“After venting, there is usually a sense of gratitude expressed to the listener, a willingness to do something about the unhappiness and/or admit one’s mistake (if any),” Jean explains. “This way, the listener gets to know that they are appreciated, don't need to overly worry about you and have helped you become a better version of yourself. The listener also feels that they can vent to you too if they would like to.

“However, in trauma dumping, the listener typically feels helpless, worried about you and/or doesn’t feel that they should vent to you,” she adds.

Why you should only trauma dump to a professional

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The reason why trauma dumping is toxic lies in how the listener feels. For example, they may feel emotionally overwhelmed and start developing an overly negative view of the world themselves. The listener may also feel lousy about themselves for not being able to help you.

“It is also toxic for you as you might end up feeling like a burden to the people around you or feel very rejected when people try to avoid the negativity you are carrying,” says Jean.

The one situation where trauma dumping is okay is if the listener is a professional trained in this area of listening and your relationship with them is a professional one. When it comes to sharing your trauma with friends, you should always ask if they're ready to listen to you. That's the sign of a healthy friendship.

While it's okay to share frustrations about work or relationships and talk about superficial 'problems', casually dropping information about your trauma into a conversation is a no-no. The listener isn't qualified to comment on what you're sharing and it doesn't help you either, to keep reliving it. This is why it should only be shared with a professional who is equipped to deal with your trauma. The fact is, some conversations are are only meant to be had with therapists.

Show your appreciation to the listener

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But if you do feel like you're sharing too much with friends or colleagues, try to steer the conversations away from trauma dumping to venting.

“To have better relationships, you can express to the listener your appreciation and what positive things you have gained after the venting, such as a new insight or a feeling of hope,” Jean advises. “If there is anything in your life that makes you happy, positive or grateful, share that with the listener too so that they know that your life is not just about frustration and negative things.

“Have moments of laughter and fun with the listener and also show your willingness to be a listening ear for them if the need arises. If you feel that venting alone does not help you feel happier about your life, then seeking professional help may be good,” she adds.

And if you find yourself in the situation of being the 'dumpee', it's okay to mention how you're not comfortable with what they're sharing. Jean says you should feel free to let them know that you are unsure whether what you are doing as a listening ear is helpful to them or not.

“You can also say that you don’t have the capacity and training for this and feel that a professional may be better able to help them,” she shares. “You don’t have to feel bad about avoiding the negativity as your friend/colleague/family member may not seek professional help otherwise and the negativity may snowball into bigger issues.”