Decoding the female gaze: What do women actually find attractive?

As novelist Margaret Wolfe Hungerford famously said, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And nowhere is that more fascinating than in the contrast between the male and female gaze.

First coined by feminist film theorist Laura Mulvey in 1975, the male gaze describes how women in cinema are framed as passive objects of visual pleasure, rather than active subjects with agency. In other words, the camera – and by extension, the audience – is assumed to be straight and male. Think back to that iconic Megan Fox scene in the first Transformers film, bending over a car engine while the camera lingers over her exposed midriff. The gaze isn’t subtle.

The female gaze, born from the same theory, works differently. Where the male gaze lingers on the body, the female gaze tends to move inwards – towards emotion and desire. Take Jonathan Bailey’s character in Bridgerton for example: The scene where Anthony passionately confesses his love to Simone Ashley’s Kate Sharma became a cultural moment not simply because of his looks, but because of his tenderness, emotional vulnerability and devotion. The female gaze, it turns out, wants to feel something.

These concepts stretch far beyond cinema – they shape advertising, social media, and the way we move through daily life.

A perfect case study right now? The Internet’s newest boyfriend: Xie Zheng, the male protagonist of Chinese drama Pursuit of Jade, played by actor Zhang Linghe.

Scroll through the flood of posts about him and two very different reactions emerge. Many men are dismissive, calling him “too pretty” for an army general, a role they expect to look tough and rugged. He’s even been nicknamed the “foundation general” for his porcelain skin.

Women, however, see something else entirely. They aren’t just defending his looks on Chinese social media – they’re obsessing over the way he carries himself: gentle yet passionate, formidable on the battlefield, but tender in private. And here’s the detail that makes it all click: The drama is adapted from the web novel Zhu Yu, written by Tuan Zi Lai Xi, a female author. The man we can’t stop talking about was dreamt up by a woman.

Unlike the male gaze, the female gaze is fluid. It is shaped by emotion, lived experience, and how we evolve over time. So we went straight to the source and asked women what they actually find attractive. The answers might not surprise you.

What turns you on?

RACHEL, 29, CONTENT EDITOR, MARRIED: “I like it when someone is good at something. It’s very attractive to me when my partner has an interest, a passion or a talent that they work hard at and it shows.”

ELIZABETH, 22, COPYWRITING INTERN, NEVER BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP: “A man with beautiful biceps, a sharp smile, a tall nose bridge, and who is at least one head taller than me. Someone with a good fashion sense. Physical appearance aside, lately I’ve realised the importance of meeting someone who is well-rounded, with their own hobbies and interests, as it shows that they have a strong sense of self.”

REGINA, 35, PROJECT MANAGER, SINGLE: “I’m attracted to people with ambition, but also low ego. To me, the ultimate turn-on is someone who can stay calm under pressure, and has the kindness to ensure that no one in the room feels invisible.”

GWYNETH, 23, MEDIA INTERN, IN A RELATIONSHIP: “Older, emotionally mature men who look rugged turn me on: muscles, body hair, and facial hair. Someone who is off social media or doesn’t have a big social media presence always piques my interest too.”

LEIA, 44, MARKETING PROFESSIONAL, SINGLE: “Appearance-wise, I really like a nice butt and thick thighs. I’m also very attracted to intelligence. I like guys who are worldly; they read a lot, they’ve experienced life, and have a point of view about things in general – basically if they are good conversationalists. If they say they are feminists or agree with feminism, I’m on board. That’s my litmus test sometimes: I tell them I’m a feminist and ask what they think of it. If they can give me a good answer, it shows that they’re progressive. Not many have passed that test.”

SAMANTHA, 24, MARKETING INTERN, IN A RELATIONSHIP: “I like it when the person shows that they’re possessive. Not so much that it’s toxic, but more of when they show that I’m theirs – like when they get a little bit jealous.”

TIFFANY, 44, UNIVERSITY LECTURER, MARRIED: “Someone who’s smart and sharp-minded, and can make good decisions. I like someone I can engage in discussions with about different topics – you can’t have those kinds of discussions with everyone, only selected people.”