From The Straits Times    |

I first experienced what the life of a single mother would be like when I was 20 weeks pregnant. It was when my daughter’s father, John*, decided that he did not want to support the pregnancy financially.

My pregnancy was tough – I am diabetic, and my organs were working to their limits (and failing gradually) as the pregnancy progressed. I was advised by doctors to terminate the pregnancy or risk organ failure. My body was rejecting the pregnancy severely, but the baby inside me had a very strong heartbeat. Each time I was advised to terminate, I would ask the doctors to do an ultrasound to see if she was healthy. And she was! I decided to keep going until I couldn’t. Whatever the outcome was, I was willing to accept my fate.

The morning before I was scheduled to be wheeled into the operating theatre for my caesarean, John came. He reeked of alcohol and was drunk, so I told him to leave. The doctors and nurses told him to leave as well; he left without much resistance as he ironically did not want to make a scene. When I was being wheeled into the operating theatre, I started having seizures, which led to an emergency caesarean.

Amelia was born prematurely at 33 weeks on March 29, 2017 at 9.37am. She was warded in the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) for a week, and was then transferred to special care unit as she was born at 1.76kg; she needed to gain at least 2kg to be discharged.

While we made it out of our ordeal alive, I was told that my kidneys were only able to function at 25 per cent. Eventually, I would require regular dialysis treatments. It was hard for me emotionally to know that I was all alone with no support system. Due to the toll of pregnancy on my body, I had to stay in the hospital for 10 weeks to recover. Even then, I hardly received any visitors. As my family was very religious, they could not accept the fact that I was a single mum.

Nowhere to call home

My pregnancy was challenging, but it was not the only issue I had to tackle. I didn’t have a place to live and to bring my newborn baby back to. I was initially living with John, but he didn’t want to be financially responsible for his share of the rent for our apartment, so I had to move out around the fourth month of my pregnancy.

Before Amelia was discharged from the hospital, I pleaded with an aunt for temporary shelter, and we stayed with her for about a month and a half. I then pawned my jewellery and rented a cheap hotel room in a seedy neighbourhood for two weeks.

My pregnancy was challenging, but it was not the only issue I had to tackle. I didn’t have a place to live and to bring my newborn baby back to.

Natalya Rahayu

I was alone, scared and confused when John suggested that we should get back together again. Given that I had very little money and a newborn to take care of, I decided to take my chances with him, and we moved in together. However, he would often get drunk, and I knew I needed to find a sustainable and safe shelter for the two of us.

When I went to the HDB rental office to check the procedure for getting a rental flat, I was rejected. In the marital status column, I had filled in “single with a newborn”. The officer slid back the forms I had filled out and said that my application was rejected, as the government didn’t condone this type of behaviour.

After about three months, I decided to approach Member of Parliament (MP) Christopher de Souza, who was in charge of the neighbourhood where my grandmother lived. With the help of Mr de Souza, and our doctors and social workers who all wrote recommendation letters for me, we finally received the go-ahead to select our rental unit! I was so happy – this was my first step toward what could possibly be a safe and stable environment for Amelia and me.

Finding strength

John was still in the picture when Amelia and I moved into our home in 2018. And because we were dependent on him for our living expenses, I had no choice but to accept his controlling behaviour – he would threaten to cut us off if I did otherwise.

It was a very stressful time for me. My daughter was born premature and as a result, she had health issues – a cyst on the right side of her kidneys, duplex kidney draining tubes, and a hole in her heart. She required close medical attention and was sick almost every other week.

I was also neglecting my own well-being. I skipped my doctor appointments because I had neither the money nor the energy to handle my own medical needs.

One day, John and I had an argument that escalated to him hitting me in front of Amelia, who let out a scream and started crying uncontrollably. When he left the house to get more alcohol, I decided that I had had enough. I needed to protect Amelia. I sought legal advice, and filed a complaint with the Family Justice Courts. I then told John that he was no longer welcome in our home and our lives.

Picking up the pieces

The court proceedings lasted about a year. John was ordered by the courts to pay maintenance and child support, as well as Amelia’s medical bills, and allowance for birthdays and Christmas.

After the court judgement on January 14, 2019, I broke down from the stress. I contemplated suicide. I was sitting on the ledge of my window, holding on to a sleeping Amelia and thinking whether or not to jump. But when she woke up and smiled at me, I found the strength to get down from the window and seek help.

I broke down from the stress. I contemplated suicide. I was sitting on the ledge of my window, holding on to a sleeping Amelia and thinking whether or not to jump. But when she woke up and smiled at me, I found the strength to get down from the window and seek help.

Natalya Rahayu

I confided in a friend who told me about Daughters of Tomorrow (DOT), and how it is a charity that helps vulnerable women such as myself with no judgement or prejudice. After emailing them about my situation, I received a call from an executive at DOT the next morning. The first thing she said to me was, “Are you safe?” Those three words changed me because it was the first time anyone had asked me that question. It was the glue that I needed to slowly rebuild the pieces of my life.

And so, my journey with DOT began. I went on to join its upskilling courses, learnt how to rebuild my life, regained the confidence I had lost, and made new connections with others who’ve had similar experiences.

Moving forward

In 2021, John decided to stop paying for maintenance and child support, which was against the mandated court order. He left Singapore to avoid paying for child support and cashed out his CPF account as well. He is currently residing in Australia, but there is little that I or the government can do because he’s living outside of Singapore’s jurisdiction.

In spite of this setback, I’m resolute in my decision to move forward with my life. I have come full circle with DOT: I was hired as an intern, and then as a part-time contractor, where I helped with its social media content, events and workshops, and worked on the editorial team for the in-house magazine.

Now, as a full-time staff, part of what I do includes managing all of DOT’s online communities and support groups. I do the work that I do in hopes that I am creating awareness and understanding for single parents out there.

Health-wise, I’m on dialysis three times a week. I have a supportive group of doctors, nurses, friends, colleagues, and a handful of mentors cheering me on. Amelia even has an extended family that she adores, and they have helped me tremendously. Kak (“sister” in Malay) Zubee – a good friend, mentor, and writer whom I met at DOT – and her family have opened up their hearts and home to Amelia when I had to be taken to hospital for emergencies, surgeries and treatments. They have made my heavy medical burden lighter knowing that Amelia is cared for.

Love is love

Recently, it was announced during Budget 2023 that there will be changes made to the Working Mother’s Child Relief. However, no amendments have been made to the penalisation of single mothers who are unmarried and still unable to claim this relief. This is the same as the baby bonus – single and unwed mothers/parents are also not eligible for the benefit.

Are our children different from other children? Do they not have the same needs, wants, hopes and dreams as everyone else?

Are our children different from other children? Do they not have the same needs, wants, hopes and dreams as everyone else?

Natalya Rahayu

If I could give one piece of advice to other single mothers out there, it would be to not give up. We owe it to our children to do the best we can, so that they can have a fighting chance in this sometimes unforgiving world.

One of the greatest joys of motherhood is hearing my daughter call me “mummy”. I never thought I would ever have a child. And when I was told I was pregnant, I fought so hard to keep her healthy and alive inside me. She is mine, I made her, and she is a flawless version of a flawed me.

My daughter is raised by the strength of love, and I believe that she will only thrive as she grows older. I tell myself – this is love, this is joy, and raising her to be a good person is my greatest reward in life.

*Names have been changed.

PHOTOGRAPHY Phyllicia Wang
ART DIRECTION Ray Ticsay
COORDINATION Cheryl Lai-Lim
HAIR Aung Apichai, using Kevin Murphy
MAKEUP Lasalle Lee, using Tom Ford Beauty