9 things you should never say to someone who is going through a miscarriage

1. Emotional Support

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Active Listening: Be an attentive listener. Let them share their feelings, thoughts and experiences without interruption. Sometimes, they may just need to talk about what happened.

Validation: Acknowledge their grief and emotions without judgement. You can say things like, “I understand this must be incredibly hard for you” or, “It’s okay to feel what you feel”.

Avoid Minimising Their Pain: Steer clear of statements that downplay their loss such as, “At least you can try again” or, “It wasn’t meant to be”. Though you may feel that such comments are helpful and positive, they can unintentionally dismiss your friend’s feelings and make them feel unheard.

2. Practical Support

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Assistance with Daily Tasks: Offer to help with practical tasks like grocery shopping, laundry or childcare. Miscarriage can be physically and emotionally exhausting and these gestures can provide immense relief.

Meals: Prepare or provide meals or organise a food delivery. Cooking can be the last thing on their mind during this time so it would be a great support.

Errands: Offer to run errands or handle logistics if needed. This can lighten their load

3. Respecting Their Grieving Process

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Space vs. Company: Understand that people have different needs when it comes to grieving. Some may want solitude to process their emotions, while others may seek the comfort of company. Respect their choice without pressure.

Significant Dates: Be mindful of anniversaries related to the miscarriage, such as the due date or the date of the loss. Reach out with a message of support and check in on these dates, as these are days when the pain is often at its sharpest.

Continued Support: It’s important to note grief doesn’t follow a set timeline, so continue to check in on them regularly, even as time passes. Offer ongoing emotional support.

4. Provide Resources

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Professional Help: Suggest the option of seeking professional help like counselling or coaching if they express the need for it. Share information about grief counsellors and coaches, support groups or even holistic practitioners specialising in pregnancy loss.

“In essence, being a compassionate and patient presence for your friend or family member is crucial during this challenging time,” says Lana. “Your willingness to listen, offer practical assistance and respect their grieving process can provide much-needed comfort and support as they navigate their way through the emotional aftermath of a miscarriage.”

The importance of empathy

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Because miscarriage is such a personal experience, it can be awkward to talk about it with your loved one, as you could be worried you’ll say something wrong or make things worse. Lana, who is also a stillbirth and pregnancy loss advocate, suggests beginning the conversation by expressing your sympathy and acknowledging their pain. This shows that you care and sets a compassionate tone for the conversation. Saying a simple, “I’m sorry” is always better than saying nothing at all or giving no acknowledgement to their loss, she adds.

Also, listen actively and let your friend guide the conversation. Give them the space to talk if they want to, but also be comfortable with silence if they need it. Active listening is crucial, so avoid interrupting or offering unsolicited advice. A simple, “I’m here for you and I’m here to listen” can go a long way.

And, finally, avoid clichés and assumptions and, instead, validate their feelings and ask open-ended questions like, “How are you feeling?” or, “Is there anything I can do to support you?”

“Remember that your presence and empathy mean a lot during this difficult time,” Lana reveals. “The key is to create a safe and supportive space where your friend feels comfortable sharing their thoughts and emotions, without added pressure or awkwardness.”

What you should never say

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Regardless of how you navigate the conversation, there are definitely some things you shouldn’t say. Here are some examples of what they are, as well as advice from Lana on what you should say instead:

“You can always try again”: May minimise their emotional pain and suggest they should move on quickly. Instead, offer empathy and a listening ear, saying something like, “I’m here for you and I’m so sorry for your loss. Please know that I’m always available if you need to talk”.
“I understand how you feel”: Can unintentionally sound insincere or dismissive of their unique grief. Show empathy without claiming to fully understand their unique experience by saying, “I can’t imagine what you’re going through but I’m here to listen and support you, you are not alone in this”.
“It’s not uncommon to have a miscarriage (or quote stats)”: Generalises a deeply personal experience, not acknowledging their specific pain. Avoid quoting statistics and, instead, acknowledge their pain with, “I’m so sorry for your loss. If there’s anything I can do to support you, please let me know”.
“At least you didn’t know your baby, that would have been worse”: This minimises their grief by implying it’s less significant because it happened early. Recognise their grief by saying, “I can’t imagine how painful this must be for you. Your feelings are important, no matter the stage of pregnancy”.
“There must have been something wrong, so it’s for the best”: Speculating about reasons can be hurtful and imply it’s better this way, which may not align with their feelings. Instead, offer sympathy with, “I’m here for you during this difficult time. There’s no easy way to make sense of it”.
“Did you do something you weren’t supposed to?”: Can make them feel blamed or guilty, adding to their grief. Avoid implying blame and reassure them with, “It’s not your fault. Miscarriages are often beyond our control”.
“At least you know you can get pregnant”: Downplays their emotional pain, focusing on future pregnancies. Focus on their current loss with, “I’m here for you, no matter what you need. Your pain is valid and I’m here to support you”.
“Everything happens for a reason”: Implies a purpose behind the miscarriage, which may not comfort them during their grief. It’s best to acknowledge their pain without trying to rationalise it. Focus on their current loss with, “Take all the time you need to grieve, you should do what feels right for you and I am here to support you”.
“At least you have other children”: Having other children doesn’t diminish the pain of a miscarriage. Each pregnancy is unique and the loss of one does not negate the significance of another. You can express your condolences and offer comfort by saying, “I can’t imagine how painful this must be for you. I’m here to listen or help in any way I can”.

This article was originally published in Singapore Women's Weekly.