True story: “I turn a blind eye to my husband’s extra-marital affairs since I can’t satisfy him sexually"

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Melinda’s* husband, Mark*, has slept with a couple of other women in the last two years, but the 39-year-old stay-at-home mum says she can’t blame him for straying, because she cannot have sex with him.  

“I love my husband, Mark, dearly. We’ve been married for 10 years, have a young child and live a relatively comfortable life. From the outside, our marriage looks perfect. We take family holidays twice a year and enjoy spending quality time with our child.

But only Mark and I know the truth about our marriage – it is sexless. We haven’t made love in about two years because I’m battling clinical depression. To satisfy his sexual needs, he occasionally sleeps with other women.

A sexless union

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Mark and I never really had an amazing sex life to begin with. Even in the early days of our marriage, we only had sex a couple of times a month. It wasn’t a huge priority for us, and when our kid was born, it became less important. Mark never really complained about it, so in my eyes it was a non-issue.

I have suffered from depression since my mid-20s. However, I wasn’t officially diagnosed until shortly after I got married, when my symptoms worsened. When my child was born, I experienced post-natal depression.

I recently started seeing a counsellor and am on medication to treat the condition, but I still have a long way to go until this demon is completely destroyed.

I can’t pinpoint the exact cause of my depression – my mother and grandmother suffered from it so maybe it runs in the family. But when I was in my early 20s, I was also emotionally and sexually abused by an ex-boyfriend. It’s hard for me to get over what I endured, and because of that, I don’t have any desire to have sex. My depression also affects other areas of my life, including my friendships and relationships with my family.

It’s hard to explain how I lost all desire to make love to my husband. One night, he tried to touch me and I recoiled. For some reason I felt afraid and disgusted that he wanted me sexually.

He didn’t understand why I reacted that way, and I couldn’t explain it to him, either, but he was pretty hurt. We didn’t talk to each other for several days after that, and when he tried to initiate sex with me again the following week, I told him I couldn’t do it.

This went on for the next two years, although it wasn’t until a few months ago that I was able to talk to my counsellor about it.

It really bothers me that I can’t satisfy my husband sexually. Even being physically intimate in other ways feels like a huge effort for me. We may hug and kiss but that’s about it, and once, when I did try to have sex with him, the sex was painful and we had to stop.  

A hard decision to make

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Mark is aware that I suffer from clinical depression, but we don’t talk about it much because I’m not comfortable opening up to him about it just yet, and besides, it’s difficult for me to explain how I feel.

When we stopped having sex a couple of years ago, he was upset and tried very hard to understand, but later he told me that he couldn’t accept the fact that I had lost all sexual desire for him. So when an ex-colleague made a pass at him, he reciprocated because he felt that he had gone too long without sex.

Of course I was upset that Mark has been unfaithful to me, but at the same time I couldn’t blame him for succumbing to another woman’s advances. His own wife didn’t want to have sex with him, so how else was he supposed to feel?  

Despite his apology and explanation, I cried for days after hearing about the affair. However, after some thought I decided that, until I dealt with my depression and learnt to open myself up both emotionally and sexually, I had to allow my husband to fulfill his sexual needs elsewhere.

I told Mark that I forgave him for sleeping with another woman and that I understood his reasons behind it. I added that, if he had trouble controlling his sexual urges then he had my permission to sleep with other women. He was stunned, telling me that he didn’t want to sleep around and that his one-night stand was a mistake that he didn’t want to repeat. I reassured him that I was okay with him having sex with someone else, as long as he didn’t fall in love with the woman and she knew not to expect anything from him.

Motivation to get better

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Since that talk, Mark has slept with a couple more women. When he told me about them, all I wanted to know was if he’d practised safe sex, because I didn’t want him to get an infection or make another woman pregnant.

While I’m not hot about the idea of my husband being intimate with other women, I can’t deny that he has sexual needs. I also know that, if I want to get my marriage back to normal, I have to address the issues that are making it hard for me to share myself with him sexually.

Mark has had sex with three other women in the last two years, and he told me that he feels guilty about it even though he has my ‘permission’ to cheat. I wish we didn’t have to deal with the problem this way but I really don’t want him to resent me for withholding sex from him. And I don’t want him cheating on me behind my back, either. Somehow I feel better because I’m aware of what he’s doing.

In the next couple of months, I hope to ask Mark to join me for couples’ counselling. I know we can’t continue this way for the rest of our lives and I’m determined to overcome this problem with him, when I am ready. I know it’s not going to be easy revisiting the past with him but I know I’ll have to endure some emotional discomfort in order to get over this hurdle in my life.

Even people who know me would think I’m crazy for allowing my husband to be unfaithful. I want my marriage to succeed in the long-term so if I can take care of my husband’s needs this way while I work on my own issues, then I see it as a rational and practical short-term solution.”  

*Names have been changed to protect privacy

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