From The Straits Times    |


I met Patrick* when I was in my late 20s at a birthday party for a mutual friend, Julie*. We somehow ended up chatting while waiting for our respective taxis to arrive.

While I did find him pleasant company that night, I wasn’t massively attracted to him and would probably not have entertained him if there was someone else there that I knew. So I was quite surprised when he asked me for my phone number and suggested that we meet for coffee sometime.

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I’m not proud of this, but I gave him a wrong number (I changed the last digit) and said that we’ll talk again another time. Three days later, Patrick rang me. I was shocked because I definitely wasn’t expecting that – I did give him the wrong number after all. He said that he got my number from Julie as he “obviously” made a mistake keying it into his phone. (I didn’t know whether to laugh at cry at this.) I didn’t want to be rude and tell him that I wasn’t interested – it would’ve been so much easier if he wasn’t so very nice – so I lied that I was travelling for work over the next two weeks and said maybe we could catch up after that.

Giving Him a Chance

Once he had hung up, I immediately rang Julie and chided her for giving Patrick my phone number. She assured me that he was a very nice guy and that I should give him a chance, so I left it at that.

Patrick rang three weeks later and suggested coffee again. Julie’s words echoed in my ears and I thought I should at least give him a chance. And guess what? Patrick was so pleasant and easy to talk to that I found myself warming up to him.

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The more I got to know Patrick, the more I discovered that I had misjudged his character. Patrick is like no other man I have ever dated – and take my word for it when I say that I’ve dated a fair number of men in my time. The only issue: He told me that he only had one girlfriend before me. In turn, I lied that I only had a couple of relationships before him when the truth was I have had several boyfriends in my youth.

It was a year after we started hanging out that I realised we were getting serious. I was comfortable with him being my boyfriend but I sometimes wished that he was a bit more passionate. We do kiss and we have got a bit hot and heavy before, but we’ve never had actual sex. Patrick is quite old-fashioned and told me that he believes only married couples should have sex, which threw me off a fair bit.

Not Like a Virgin

And this is where my ‘problem’ lies – Patrick is a virgin and I am not. Which is okay, except he thinks I’m one, too. I’ve never thought much about this little white lie I told him at the start of our relationship until he proposed just over two years after we met.

I do love him and I honestly want to spend the rest of my life with him but I don’t think he’d trust me ever again if I told him the truth now. Patrick is a very ‘straight’ guy who values honesty above anything else and doesn’t like playing games – especially not when it comes to his relationships. It certainly is too late for me to confess to that whopper of a lie.

My fiancé is the calming influence I truly need in my life – although I didn’t know it at that time – and he’s the only man I’ve ever thought about settling down with. While I have had sex with previous boyfriends, I never had a relationship as fulfilling as the one I currently have with Patrick. He might not be the most ‘fun’ guy I’ve ever been with, but that isn’t as important as the stability and security that he gives me.

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I’ve spent hours thinking about it and have decided that I won’t tell Patrick the truth. I don’t see my virginity as something that adds (or takes away) any value to me as a person, so I don’t personally see its relevance. I’m also confident that Patrick isn’t marrying me just because he thinks I’m a virgin, so the fact that I’m not one isn’t important.

It might have taken me a while to get around to loving Patrick, but I’m not going to confess to one silly lie just because there’s a chance that I might lose him as a result of it. We’re getting married in a few months and I’m looking forward to finally having sex with him. And yes, just for the record: I’ve also vowed to myself never to lie to him again.

*Names have been changed.