From The Straits Times    |

Nothing kills a sexy mood quite like a bad-smelling sex partner. You don’t want your man to come to bed all sweaty and smelling gross, so don’t do the same to him. No need to cover yourself in perfume, but make sure you’re freshly showered and washed (especially down there) and check your breath. It doesn’t hurt to have fresh-smelling pillows and sheets, either.

Moaning during sex is a good thing. It tells your guy that he’s doing everything right and that you can’t get enough of him. But how much moaning is going overboard? “When the soft moans become outright screams, it terrifies me,” says Jordan*, 29. “I once dated this girl who screamed like crazy every time we were in bed. She sounded like I was torturing her. It was not arousing at all… And after a while her screams just sounded fake.”

At the same time, it’s also off-putting to say nothing in bed. If you’re having a good time, you should not be afraid to verbalise it. “The worst thing a woman could do while we’re making love is to just lie there and stare at the ceiling,” says David*, 32. “I like it when a woman responds to my moves instead of acting like she’s doing me a favour.” Are you too shy to talk during sex? Whispering “Mmm” into your man’s ear is all he needs to hear to know that he’s pleasing you.

Nobody likes being rushed during sex. It makes the other person feel that their sexual needs come second or that you’d rather be somewhere else. Edward*, 33, shares his experience: “Once, just as we were starting to get hot and heavy, my ex asked me if we could speed things up. She kept pressuring me to climax, which I didn’t appreciate. The whole time we were having sex, she looked incredibly impatient. It hurt to know that she wanted the whole encounter to be over and done with as fast as possible. She couldn’t slow down and enjoy being with me, and that was a big turn-off.”

There’s nothing wrong with getting a little wild in bed, but most guys freak out when you do anything that involves pain, like digging your sharp nails into his back, biting, or hard spanking. “I want no part of any of that; it’s too over-the-top for me and gives the impression that you’re some kind of crazy or sadistic man-eater,” says Joshua*, 29. “I once had sex with a woman who bit me so hard, I actually bled. To make things worse, she was really rough with my penis, treating it like a joystick.” So, unless your man likes rough sex too, you may want to scale it back a little, ladies. And always, always handle his package with care.

It’s one thing to take charge in the bedroom, but another thing to control when you and your man have sex and what you do. And then there are women who use sex as a bargaining chip. “My ex-girlfriend would say things like, ‘I’ll only have sex if you promise to do this or that for me tomorrow’,” says Geoffrey*, 33. “Or, if we had an argument, she would withhold sex from me the next day as punishment. She loved using sex to make herself feel like she had the upper hand in the relationship. Needless to say, I resented her for it.” 

Don’t expect your partner to guess what you like or don’t like in bed. You shouldn’t expect him to always be the one to initiate sex, either. Whether you want to try a new sex position, have a quickie before going to work, or introduce role-play into your sexual repertoire, it’s important to voice it. “It’s frustrating when a woman isn’t open about her sexual needs,” says Leonard*, 29. “I hate having to be the one to always ask for sex or suggest trying something new in bed. Sex is not a one-sided affair. It’s about two people sharing their sexual selves with each other.”

Just as much of a turn-off is selfishness in bed. Michael*, 27, shares that his ex-girlfriend always expected him to do all the work in bed, but never offered to return the favour or make sure that he was satisfied. He says: “She would demand that I pleasure her in certain ways, which was fine, but then whenever I requested the same, she would flat-out refuse. I didn’t think it was fair at all.”

Guys would rather be told straight-out that you didn’t have an orgasm than to be conned into believing that you did. Faking is never a good idea. It’s a sign that you don’t trust your man enough to be honest with him, or that you’re too embarrassed to be honest. Continually faking your orgasm also does nothing to improve a “blah” sex life. So, unless you’re content to put up with more of the same, you should open up to your man – tactfully and respectfully, of course – about how you would like him to satisfy you in bed.

Believe it or not, some guys find your trusty old vibrator intimidating. They don’t mind that you use it on yourself – just don’t bring it out during sex or try to use it on him. “If the woman I was dating brought her vibrator out, the first questions to cross my mind would be: ‘Is she not happy with my performance?’ and ‘Will that thing replace me?’ It would make me feel quite insecure,” says Allen*, 37.

“This is definitely not okay,” says Martin*, 28. “It says to the guy that you’re not that into him or that the sex is boring and you’d rather be somewhere else. If you’re not having a good time then get out of there. No guy wants to be doing all the work while his partner checks her Facebook account or sends text messages to her friends. If he’s paying attention to you, you shouldn’t ignore him, either.”

How would you react if your guy wanted to try something kinky in bed? You don’t have to go along with everything he suggests, but would you do more than just disagree with him? Mark*, 32, says that he once dated a woman who made him feel like a freak, just because he suggested they try a new sex position. “I guess it was a bit out-there for her. Still, she could have just said no and left it at that. Instead, she told me that I had a sick mind and even called me a pervert. It hurt my feelings and after that, I stopped bringing up trying anything new. I didn’t want to risk feeling like I’d done something wrong again.”

*Names have been changed.

Want some more advice about sex? Read our stories How to give your man a great blow job, How to tell if your man is faking an orgasm and Top reasons your man doesn’t want to have sex.

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