5 Signs That You’re Dating a Narcissist

Photo: Darren Chang

Narcissists don't just spend too much time in front of the mirror and overdo the hair gel. They can be anyone - from a preening villain in Disney's Beauty and the Beast named Gaston to a cutie you met at the bar last week. Here are some red flags to keep a look out for. 

1. He constantly talks himself up

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PR practitioner Haley’s* ex-boyfriend always seemed to have something to prove - especially when meeting people for the first time. “He would repeatedly bring up his past achievements, name-drop, and dismiss other people as stupid or useless,” she says. That’s one of the signs of a narcissist. If you happen to be dating one, don’t be surprised if he also tends to stretch the truth. “There were a number of instances where he would tell me how good he was at his job or how much his clients love him, yet I would hear a contradictory version from his colleagues or bosses,” adds Haley. This kind of self-absorbed behaviour is typical of narcissists, says clinical psychologist Vanessa von Auer. “They have a grandiose image of their talents and abilities without much regard for others’ feelings,” she points out.

If your man seems threatened by other people’s accomplishments. That’s a big red flag. Haley recalls her boyfriend’s insecurities being triggered by an acquaintance who earned more than he did, and was both well-spoken and charismatic. “As the conversation continued, he began raising his voice and expressing his opinions more emphatically, until he was shouting over everyone else and gesturing wildly to make his points.”

2. He overshares on social media

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It’s more important to him that his friends see and admire his actions, even if it’s at your expense. “He’d do nice things to make me feel special, then get angry if I didn’t post about them on Facebook or Instagram,” says Haley. She recalls how her ex wrote a cheesy post on her Facebook wall for her birthday. Embarrassed that her entire network would be able tor ead something so personal, she asked him to take it down. “I felt this was something that should be shared only between us, but he got angry and defensive, to the point where we ended up having a fight in public.”

3. He throws tantrums

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Basically, he can’t handle it when things don’t go according to his plans. “I had some errands to run after work, so I texted my boyfriend to say that I’d be running late, and that he should eat dinner first,” says sales executive Zara*. “He kicked up a fuss over the phone and actually came to my office to make a scene, as if I had stood him up. Later, when I got to his flat, he was still sulking. He was so petty, it was embarrassing.”

4. Spending time with him drains you

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That’s because narcissists need your full attention. “You’ll know you’re dating a narcissist if you don’t feel good about yourself when you are with this person. Typically he’ll make it all about him, which means he’ll talk a lot about himself, care very little about whether you’re enjoying yourself, and enjoy telling you that you’re wrong,”says Vanessa.

5. He’s manipulative

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He’ll do what it takes to get what he wants. Lawyer Andrea* says her ex would coax her into indulging his whims - like picking him up from work even when it wasn’t convenient for her, or hanging around his house with nothing to do while he took a nap (he said it would allow them to spend more time together). Whenever Andrea raised a protest, he’d say things like “but don’t you love what I love?”. Such conduct extends to situations where he might look bad Jess*, an undergraduate, warns that if his friends happen to criticise you, you shouldn’t expect him to defend you. He’s more likely to imply that you should “improve” yourself instead.

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*Names have been changed.

This story was first published in the September 2017 issue of Her World magazine.