Has your relationship ever fallen into the social media comparison trap?

It's not uncommon to see our friends flaunting their happy relationships on social media. You know, the ones who are always on 'date nights' or posting photos of extravagant presents from their partners? Or perhaps they're sharing anecdotes about what their significant other did for them on their birthday (surprise romantic getaways or rose petals on the bed, anyone?). 

We post such things on social media for a variety of reasons. It could be as simple as wanting to share happy moments with our nearest and dearest. Ms Mok Sin Lai, a psychotherapist at Relationship Matters, says it's also a way of keeping them updated about our life without weighing them down with too much negativity. There is also a portion people who could be hooked on the instant validation and recognition we get from the likes, comments or shares from posts.

“Posting on social media can trigger the release of dopamine, a neurotransmitter in the brain associated with pleasure and reward,” she explains. “This can lead to feelings of happiness, satisfaction and even a sense of acceptance and self-worth, even though these feelings are likely to be temporal.”

She adds that extroverts may enjoy the mass interaction received online while introverts may feel more comfortable sharing about themselves with a larger group of friends online rather than in-person. 

Are you craving for happiness elsewhere?

Regardless of the reasons why people do it, what we put online can be perceived by others in various ways. And if your friends' lovey-dovey posts have affected the way you view your relationship, you're not alone. 

“What we see on social media can impact our own relationship in many ways,” says Sin Lai. “We tend to compare our relationship with the ones we read online and that can lead to dissatisfaction or disagreements if our partners don’t share the same dreams or feel stressed about fulfilling our hopes. 

“What we see on social media can also make us think that happiness is somewhere else, that our happiness is yet to be achieved, and that can make us feel unhappy and not treasure the present. We can also become less patient with our partner subconsciously as we expect our partner to meet all of our needs,” she adds.

And, even though we know that what we see online isn't 100% real, we still somehow get affected by these happy images. Sin Lai reveals that, regardless of how illogical these comparisons may be, our emotional responses to what we see on social media can be so strong that they overpower our sense of logic. 

The dangers of fantasising

This could make you dream about the type of relationship you see online, despite being perfectly happy in your relationship that's filled with love but doesn't always involve expensive gifts or romantic holidays. The good news is, it's normal to fantasise. However, whether or not you dwell on these images could indicate if there are deeper issues in your relationship.

“Fantasies may not be a sign that something is profoundly lacking in your relationship but it can be a sign that something is wrong with the relationship when there is preoccupation with these images,” Sin Lai says. “If we find ourselves not being able to enjoy present moments with our partner, it might be worth taking a deeper look at the issues in the relationship.”

She shares the following signs that denote we are getting too involved in relationship comparison:

• Constantly wishing that our partner can do what we see others do online. 
• Becoming more frustrated with our partner and critical in our words. 
• Feeling less happy in our relationship.
• Distancing emotionally from our partner.
• Not being able to celebrate with those who are happy in their relationship.  

How to avoid comparison 

If you cherish the relationship that you're in, it's wise to know how to not fall into the relationship comparison trap. Sin Lai has some tips on how we can avoid this unpleasant situation:

1. Take note of the posts that make us feel down about our relationship and start the comparison trap. Consider unfollowing those people.

2. Remember that what we see is probably only one side of the story. These posts do not mean paradise in their relationship always. 

3. Practice gratitude. Focus on the good parts of the relationship and your partner. Some things may be small but acknowledging what we have can be helpful in minimising comparison. 

4. Limit social media use. 

5. Focus on the positive. Try to follow people and view posts that inspire us, rather than those that leave us feeling negative about ourselves. 

6. Have a circle of close friends who will give us affirmation and encouragement in real life. 

7. Inspire your partner to share your dreams rather than telling them what they should do to fulfil your needs.

8. Seek professional help for your relationship issues if you feel more unhappiness than happiness in your relationship.