Op-ed: No amount of money will take you out of the friendzone, not even $3 million

It’s a classic trope when it comes to dating: the ‘friend zone’. It could be that you fall for someone who only views you as a friend. Or, it could be the other way around – you’ve been sending out signals that you’re not interested in a particular person romantically, but they keep hanging around, hopeful for more. 

The latter scenario is the exact situation that Nora Tan found herself in, after she rejected romantic advances from one K. Kawshigan. But unlike how some men will back off politely – you can’t force romantic attraction, after all – Kawshigan did the exact opposite.

Unable to handle the rejection, he launched two lawsuits against her, one of which was filed in the High Court seeking $3 million in damages, citing “emotional trauma”. 

Background of the relationship

If you have yet to get caught up on the ongoing case, here’s an explainer (bear with us, it’s a little long). 

According to High Court documents, Nora and Kawshigan first met in 2016, and they became friends over time.

In September 2020, after Kawshigan sought clarification about their friendship, Nora told him that she only regarded him as a friend. She suggested that their interactions should be reduced, and encouraged him to be “self-reliant” whilst they established healthy boundaries in the friendship. 

Kawshigan, displeased about the reduced interaction, threatened Nora with legal action for “monetary damages arising from negligent infliction of emotional distress and possible defamation”.

She tried to reason with him, noting in a text message that her “discomfort (was) genuine”. He responded by telling her that “[her] discomfort is as fake as the cause” and that “emotionally, till the day [he] dies, [she is] the cause of [his] trauma”. 

Weeks after, a woman claiming to be Kawshigan’s counsellor reached out to Nora to ask her to participate in counselling sessions with Kawshigan. She agreed, thinking that these sessions could help him come to terms with her decision not to pursue a romantic relationship with him.

After one-and-a-half years of attending the sessions, Nora stopped as she felt that they bore little fruit. She initiated harassment proceedings against Kawshigan.

In response, he texted her to say he had also suffered hurt in the process. He once again alluded to a potential lawsuit with her, claiming that he had “damage that has strong legal basis”. 

Faced with the prospect of a lawsuit, Nora suggested adding the counsellor to their chat. Kawshigan then asked her to put together a list that will serve as an “improvement summary” on their relationship. (This list plays an important role later.)

Kawshigan saw this list as an agreement between the two. When Nora tried to maintain a distance, he saw her actions as “breaches” of the agreement, telling her: “I think you know how badly I need meetups. It's been long overdue and it's affecting me.”

She eventually cut off contact as she could no longer deal with his unreasonable requests and his inability to respect her personal boundaries. 

The lawsuits in question 

Kawshigan then filed two lawsuits against Nora. He initiated a High Court action to claim damages in excess of $3 million for allegedly causing “damage to his stellar reputation” and “trauma, depression and impacts” to his life. The High Court suit is fixed for a case conference in February.

His other lawsuit in the Magistrate Court seeks to claim $22,000 in special damages for allegedly breaching an agreement (that list mentioned earlier) to improve their relationship. He highlighted that his earning capacity as an “active high-capital trader by night and a busy CEO by day” has been negatively affected, and that he had to “expend time and energies to scramble and source for deeper psychological assistance”. 

The latter suit was struck out earlier in January.  

Deputy registrar Lewis Tan called the civil suit an abuse of process, and said that the court would not be an accessory to Kawshigan’s “calculated attempt to compel engagement” from Nora. 

Meanwhile, Nora has obtained an expedited protection order against Kawshigan and filed her defence and counterclaim to the High Court action. She is currently pending a long-term personal protection order application against Kawshigan, and has also lodged a magistrate's complaint.  

Attraction vs. harassment

It can definitely hurt when genuine romantic desire is unrequited, especially if you perceive the person as a friend and you’ve already built up a camaraderie. Your pride might take a bashing, your ego might be bruised, and you might feel silly for thinking that there’s something more. Understandable. 

But when you stop to think about this – as you should – attraction is not something that can be forced upon another. If you insist on shoving your feelings down another’s throat to the point where one feels increasingly uncomfortable or even unsafe, that’s harassment. 

In her countersue against Kawshigan, Nora has noted that he appeared at her house in July 2022, remaining outside her door despite her requests for him to leave. He also approached her neighbours and asked for her home telephone number, and then went to her workplace to look for her later that month. As a result, she has installed a digital door viewer, a siren alarm sensor and a smart video doorbell to protect herself from his purported harassment.

Why some men blame women for all their troubles

When it comes to harassment, the problem begins with male entitlement. 

In his filing, Kawshigan, a drone racing executive, claims that due to this situation, he has lost at least five business partnerships, his ability to clinch contracts has been disturbed, and he is now unable to engage in interpersonal conversations normally. Funnily enough, all that he has lost was caused by…him. 

The victim narrative that he is trying to push for is befuddling when he also plays the role of the relentless villain who doesn't understand boundaries. Now, I’m no psychologist, but Kawshigan’s emotional dependency on Nora and their friendship seems very unhealthy and extreme. There’s an obsessive fear of losing the relationship, resulting in a relentless pursuit for attention. 

In an Instagram post on the situation, advocacy group Aware Singapore highlighted that Kawshigan’s actions seem like an example of DARVO (“deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender”), “a common tactic employed by abusers seeking to portray themselves as the injured party and punish actual victims for resistance”. 

Kawshigan’s actions do not simply blame the victim, but he also plays the victim. 

Landing in the friend zone

Typically in Hollywood rom-coms (see: Love, Rosie; When Harry Meets Sally; Isn't It Romantic) and pop culture memes, it’s straight men who find themselves in the unenviable friend zone. The reality, however, is that friendzoning happens to all genders. 

Nevertheless, such pop culture references have formed the perception that the friend zone is a frozen tundra of shame, where men unite in the pain of being relegated to the role of supporting actor with their hopes of being a romantic lead dashed. 

For some reason, “I see you more of a friend” is seen by some men as the verbal equivalent of being unlovable and unattractive.

It’s a bitter pill to swallow, but perhaps the fear of being friendzoned also stems from one's inability to deal with rejection. This may cause one to feel humiliated and angry, and we all know what happens when some men get angry (case in point: the lawsuit mentioned in this article).

Why the friend zone is not the end of the world

So, how should you react when you have been friendzoned? Besides not harassing the person you’re interested in with a $3 million lawsuit, well, the most obvious answer is to accept it and respect the other party’s wishes. 

Denial, anger, and insistence at pushing for a relationship will land you into a different zone: the no-go zone.

Newsflash: pressing for a different answer would not get you the outcome that you wish for. 

You can’t convince someone that you’re a worthy romantic interest by forcing your feelings upon them. If they eventually change their mind, it should come from them, and not from wearing them down. Besides, wouldn’t you be happier being with someone who actually wants to be with you rather than someone who is forced to be with you?

Resources to reach out to if you’re feeling harassed 

If there is imminent danger to life and safety, please call the police at 999, or go to your nearest neighbourhood police post or centre for help.

Call 1800 777 0000 for the National Anti-Violence and Sexual Harassment Helpline – this is a dedicated 24-hour helpline for reporting violence and abuse, open to all genders and ages. 

If you identify as female and feel uncomfortable speaking to someone of another gender, you can call  AWARE’s hotline at ​​1800 777 5555 (Mon - Fri, 10am - 6pm). 

If you or someone you know has faced sexual assault or harassment, call AWARE’s Sexual Assault Care Centre Helpline at 6779 0282 (Mon - Fri, 10am - 6pm) to speak with a trained volunteer who can help you decide what to do.