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Wellness | Sex & R/S

How to fight with your spouse in a healthy manner

The ABC's of fighting well.

By Sarojini Padmanathan - 

Image: 123rf
Image: 123rf
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Sarojini Padmanathan is a marriage solemniser and a member at the Ministry of Social and Family Development's Alliance for Action to Strengthen Marriages and Family Relationships. The alliance is led by Minister of State for Social and Family Development Sun Xueling, and was launched last year to partner the community, religious groups and Singaporeans to find ways to strengthen marriages and family ties.

As a marriage solemniser, I have a duty of reading the statements that asks the couple if they will love, comfort, honour and keep each other in sickness and in health, forsaking all others to be faithful to each other for as long as they live.

This is a really tall order for any young couple preparing to tie the knot, and talking about knots, it is not easy to untie the knots in marriage when a couple faces changes and challenges in the many facets of their married life. It is easy to say that the couple should communicate, but often, it is easier to fight and pick on each other. This can result in a heavy burden in their hearts.

Here are my ABC's of resolving issues with your spouse in a healthy manner.

'A' for appreciate 

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Appreciate each other as an individual with likes and dislikes, desires and challenges. Your spouse is not an object to be used or ignored. Instead of looking at the problem the moment an issue arises, be mindful that your spouse may be going through some challenges too. Then, 'fight' together to help each other resolve it. Also, affection is the glue that would help each other fight the issue in a healthier manner.

'B' for be there

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Be whole heartedly present and listen to what your spouse has to say. Yes, we all say that we listen, but most of the time, we only hear them talking and fail to listen to the message. Picking on an incident or an issue without understanding the essential content of the message only increases the divide and multiplies the differences. Being there is about believing in each other and 'fighting' to clarify the situation for a better resolution.

'C' for consult

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It is easy to point a finger as to who is in the wrong, but you should instead try the consultative approach. Two people are equal partners in the marriage and have a responsibility in resolving the situation at hand. Turning their backs on each other will not only accentuate the problem, but also cause it to fester. Take a step back and consult with each other on the issues at hand with care and compassion, which help to reduce conflict.

For newly-weds looking for a more informative way to enhance marital and familial relationships, the Marriage Preparation Programme (MPP) helps couples discuss the important decisions, values and expectations which they should agree on before marriage. It also allows them to benefit from the experiences of other married couples, family counsellors and coaches via greater insight.

Visit Families for Life’s Instagram page to find out more about the Marriage Preparation Programme (MPP), Marriage Enrichment Programme (MEP) and bite-sized marriage tips. 

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marriage counsellingmarriage tipsrelationship advice
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