Do this one thing with your man for a long and happy marriage

PHOTOGRAPH: Alexey Poprotsky, 123rf.com

In every marriage, a woman holds expectations of how her husband should conduct himself. But these expectations are often unspoken, and conflict can arise when they are violated.

For a marriage to thrive, couples need to set explicit boundaries together and take ownership in providing clear rules of engagement, says Elvira Tan, marriage specialist at Focus on the Family Singapore.

Like markings and dividers on the road that prevent cars from colliding, clearly defined boundaries in a marriage help to protect the relationship through commitment and mutual respect for the rules.

Elvira explains that talking about boundaries helps you to build trust within the relationship. They teach you to take the perspective of your partner and be more understanding and sensitive to each other’s needs. You might realise that you have very different ideas about how to behave in certain situations.

How to talk about boundaries

Boundaries are essentially a set of rules that you have in your head about what you consider to be appropriate conduct within a marriage. To make them work, both husband and wife need to agree upon these rules and abide by them.

Elvira says that it is a good practice to sit down with your partner to identify potential issues that might arise – for example, if you’re comfortable with the other staying out late to have supper with friends, or how involved your in-laws should be in raising your children – and the way you choose to handle conflict and confrontation.

1 Start with a goal in mind

Lay out what you need and want in your marriage. Both you and your husband should have an equal say in deciding on your goals for the relationship.

“In order to make boundaries work in your marriage, both you and your partner recognise that it requires a team effort,” she says.

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Boundaries are not a means to exert control over one another. “It should never be a power struggle,” she adds.

One such goal could be to remain faithful to each other throughout the marriage. Together with your spouse, work through the strategies to attain it.

A crucial boundary all couples should set is to ban the option of divorce in one’s marriage. According to Elvira, research has shown that couples who make a commitment to stay together regardless of situation (barring abuse, adultery and abandonment) tend to have longer-lasting and happier marriages.

2 Be very specific about your boundaries

“For instance, if either of you constantly travels for work, target the related issues that could threaten your marriage goals. If you are travelling with a colleague who is a member of the opposite sex, you can promise each other to not have after-dinner drinks with the colleague,” says Elvira.

There are different courses of action that couples can take to achieve the same goal. Some married couples might even agree to check into separate hotels from their colleagues if they feel that it is what they need to do to avoid the temptation to cheat on their spouse. Whatever method you choose to adopt, avoid ambiguity so that each of you knows exactly what the other’s expectations are.

3 No double standards allowed

All boundaries should apply equally to both spouses.

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During an argument, if you request that your husband does not raise his voice or use derogatory terms on you in anger, then ensure that you follow suit. Or if one of you requests to call a time-out to cool down during an argument is acceded to, the other must be able to do so as well. Over time, this trains you to focus on the wellbeing of your partner rather than being self-centred.

“People who are married but shun boundaries are essentially saying, ‘I want to do and say anything I want, whenever and however I want,’” says Elvira. This can have a negative impact on the marriage, because each spouse comes across as selfish to the other.

When boundaries are not recognised or respected by either party, they tend to break down very quickly. Couples with this attitude tend to pull away from each other and will not draw closer to each other as the years go by.

4 Be the bigger (wo)man

Both you and your husband benefit when you focus on having personal responsibility towards improving your marriage rather than trying to change each other. “We tend to harp over what our spouses should do first before we clean up our own act,” Elvira observes.

Playing this waiting game only prevents you from making positive change in the marriage. Take the initiative to work on yourself first. Your spouse will recognise your motivation to strengthen the marital bond and take a cue from you to work on setting healthy boundaries as well.

What to do if he does not respect your boundaries

It can be disheartening when you have done your part but your husband continues to violate your boundaries.

“If your spouse shows signs of failing to respect boundaries, it doesn’t mean that you should stop respecting the boundaries yourself in retaliation,” advises Elvira. “You may not be able to control your spouse’s behaviour but you can still control yours.”

In a non-confrontational manner, ask him why he is unable to respect these boundaries. Seek to understand, not antagonise.

After he has explained himself, both of you can discuss how to modify your boundaries so they work for you. Explore all the various options that can help you meet your goals and find one that suits you and your husband best.

Elvira encourages you to persevere in walking the talk. If your spouse continues to be unmoved and repeatedly fails to respect the boundaries set, she suggests going for professional counselling to get to the root of the problem. There might be unresolved issues that you both might not have been able to identify nor articulate to each other.