Divorce in SG: will we be happier if it's faster and cheaper?

No one wins in this blame game

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Animosity arising from divorce very often affects a family adversely, like what Jasmine went through. Gloria James-Civetta, head lawyer of Gloria James-Civetta & Co, calls it BnB (short for Bitter & Bent): “Party 2 cheats on Party 1, and Party 1 feels unfairly treated. Anger, coupled with the fear of losing the kids and/or financial security, drives Party 1 to focus on asset preservation. This is especially when there is a Party 3 involved, and Party 1 does not want Party 3 to benefit from the settlement.”

Hostility during divorce may be expected (or even justified to some), but it can be amplified many times over when proceedings become dragged over months or years, preventing both spouses and their children from letting go and moving on. This prompted the Ministry of Social and Family Development to initiate a public consultation exercise on the option of an amicable divorce recently. For one, it would allow couples to mutually agree to file for a divorce without having to state the reason why the marriage has failed.

Results from this consultation exercise were not available at press time, but it was “a move that met with strong approval” from Aware, according to a press release by the leading women’s rights and gender equality group in Singapore. In May, it also submitted a paper on its feedback and recommendations by drawing on the experiences of clients at its Women’s Care Centre and Sexual Assault Care Centre, as well as insights from family lawyers (both volunteers and respondents to a 2021 survey about the Women’s Charter).

“Amicable, or no-fault, divorce would do away with the need for the fact of separation. It thus removes the need for divorcing parties to cite a fault, thereby entering into what many find to be an adversarial relationship during the proceedings,” explains Corinna Lim, executive director of Aware.

Acrimony during divorce affects families involved – “every single time”, says Dorothy Tan, senior associate director of PKWA Law and deputy head of its Family Law department. And this can be costly, both financially and mentally, she adds.

“Given that litigation is evidence-based, parties have to dig into past records, as well as provide evidence to justify their contributions to the marriage. It gets worse when the children are involved as they are often made to take sides, especially when parents are jostling for care and control of the children. They become utilised as bargaining chips, as one parent commonly takes voice and video recordings of the children disparaging the other in a bid to ‘win’.

“Acrimonious proceedings tend to lead to increased stress and bitterness for years to come and, in the long term, causes parental alienation to occur as one parent passes the hatred of the other onto the children. These negative stressors and loss of safety and stability arising from acrimonious divorces can result in the children’s reduced academic capacity and lowered probability of getting married.”

Prolonged proceedings may also exert a financial strain on the parties concerned. Contested divorces cost anything between $10,000 and $35,000, but some that involve many matrimonial assets can hit up to six-figure costs.

With an amicable divorce, the process is not only faster but involves lower cost too, says Gloria. “Pain exists in any breakdown of marriage, but having an amicable settlement helps to provide closure.”

Possible, but no less painful

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Couples who want to make their divorce amicable must keep in mind several points, offers Gloria. For one, they must know what they want and what works best for the family. They also must trust each other and be transparent in working together to achieve two happy households.

There are two parts to divorce: first, to establish the grounds for divorce, and second, the ancillary matters. The latter generally refers to children, property and maintenance. Therefore, for an amicable divorce to work, couples must mutually agree to initiate proceedings without stating why the marriage has broken down. However, if they cannot agree on ancillary issues, the pain can go on way after they go their separate ways.

“So, they would have to resolve ancillary matters before this,” says Lilian Loo, a family therapist from Promises Healthcare (Psychiatry and Psychology Clinic). “If they end up contesting ancillary matters in court, they may inevitably have to cite reasons such as adultery and unreasonable behaviour.”

To increase clarity and reduce acrimony in this aspect, maintenance and division of matrimonial assets should be clearly set out, proposes Aware. These are granted by the courts based generally on factors listed according to the Women’s Charter, among other considerations. The new guidelines should establish a formula to calculate the claims.

And to accord equal rights to the men, maintenance claims should be made gender-neutral and based on need. The prevailing restriction on the payment of maintenance by a wife to her husband or former husband only if he is incapacitated does not reflect the changes in Singapore’s socioeconomic landscape, and indeed undermines the intent of the Women’s Charter as a progressive piece of legislation, states Aware in its recommendations.

It goes further to suggest giving enforcement powers to the Maintenance Support Central to enable maintenance orders to be facilitated, and undertake stronger and proactive measures to secure payments from defaulters.

But while an amicable divorce means both parties do not need to meet or deal with each other over a prolonged period, it does not necessarily alleviate the pain of a marriage ending. Dorothy has had clients who, “in the depths of the bitterness, detailed their spouse’s unreasonable and adulterous behaviour on court papers, as a form of cathartic release”.

Gloria concurs: “Some feel that if the matter proceeds to court, they can be heard. As the party feels hurt, the pain gets channelled to vengeance, and the divorce inevitably becomes a battlefield, with tension at an all-time high.”

As Lilian explains, it takes time and space for couples to move back and forth through the different emotions, such as grief, denial, anger, bargaining and depression, before eventually coming to terms with the split. This process can become more intense when they also have to deal with their children’s feelings of isolation and rejection arising from the divorce.

Meanwhile, Lilian also raises concerns if three months is too soon for a divorce to occur – she has seen couples who eventually withdrew their application despite starting the proceedings. “One wonders if the couples have exhausted all options, such as couples therapy or mediation, before signing the papers,” she adds. “Sometimes, with professional help, they may be able to see light at the end of the tunnel.”

And the way Dorothy sees it: “The decoupling process is not just about the formal court orders themselves, which is of limited use in tackling the emotional impact of the fallout.” Hence, she feels that the Family Court’s initiative to establish a more holistic support system for families dealing with divorce is crucial, so all parties are actively assisted via counselling services and support groups to work through the suffering.

Amicable or acrimonious, divorce still comes with stigma

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The stigmatisation of divorce weighs heavily on many who have gone through the process, Lilian points out. She calls for more public education to avail support for these couples, especially in parenting post-divorce. “Schools, for example, can play a role by referring students whose parents are going through or have gone through divorce to talk to a school counsellor,” she says.

Gloria also urges ex-spouses to consider marriage closure therapy, which will help them process and address their own hurts and needs. It also allows both parties to better transition to life post-divorce and, where they have kids, focus on an effective co-parenting arrangement.

“Few couples arrive at the decision to divorce easily. Those who have plucked up the courage to walk through the doors of a lawyer’s office or a Family Service Centre for support have already walked 75 per cent of the path themselves. And we, as a system, should do everything we can to minimise the pain, and support them through the rest of the journey,” says Dorothy.

“Fundamentally, it takes two hands to clap and, more often than not, both parties would have had a hand in the resulting marriage breakdown, whether through active or passive actions over the course of the marriage. I’d say both would in one way or another feel wronged, but also have some responsibility to take for the state of matters.”

This story first appeared in the September 2021 issue of Her World.