My partner and I have different sex drives. How?

Each of us has a different libido - that’s our desire for sex. This sexual drive, as libido is also known, ebbs and flows throughout our lives and can be impacted by many things. It’s also a thing no matter whether we’re talking about solo or partnered sex. Our urge for sexual activity comes out in lots of ways; erotic thoughts, masturbation, kissing… Libido isn’t just about how much you want to have sex with somebody else.

Libido and our partners

Learning about our own libido, and how it can change regularly, can help us own our sexual script - the more we understand about ourselves, the more we can create our own expectations rather than those put upon us by society or others.

If we consider just how unique our sexual selves are, it then makes waaaay more sense that when two or more of us come together sexually, we might not literally come together. Furthermore, that our libidos will perfectly match and we’ll live in sex drive harmony. It’s just not possible to always be on the same level.

Sometimes the libido differences are more obvious, and can cause frustration between partners and those in relationships. Mismatched libidos are so common; for those coupled up, one in three have desire differences. But, there’s one really important thing sex therapists want us to know: your sexual desire is no indication for your love or attraction for your partner.

Sexual wellness brand Smile Makers asked sex therapist Kaycee Polite to break down the limited thinking around libido, and share tips and advice to improve a sexual relationship when you and your partner have different sex drives.

Questions to ask your partner

Every month, sit down and do a check-in by asking yourselves some questions so you can review and see where you are at when it comes to partner sex.⁠ Think about taking notes, because the answers might change from month to month.⁠

1. What can I start doing that would make you feel more loved and appreciated?
2. Are there any mental health or medical issues that are impacting your ability to fully experience sex, pleasure and intimacy?

By asking each other these questions on a regular basis, you're strengthening your communication and bond. Also, you are creating an open and honest dialogue about what you each need in the relationship.

Rethink sex together

Sex is not confined to penetration. There are so many different things that you can do to engage in sexual activity with your partner. For instance, sexting, mutual masturbation, sensual touch of erogenous zones, playing with sex toys, reading or listening to erotica… Broaden your horizons together.

3 tips for mismatched libido

1. Connect with your sensuality

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Why is this important? Because each person in the relationship needs to validate their own sensual self. You can't rely on a partner to do it for you as this is a unique, individual experience and relationship. One of the ways to connect with your sensuality is to create sensual selfies. Take a picture of yourself and recognise your sensuality. It's a wonderful connection point. And no, you don't have to be nude.

2. Make sex mindful

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Use partnered sex to connect to mindfulness. This is a great way for you to practice being in the moment, and fully indulge all of your senses in the moment of your sexual intimacy. Don't think about meal planning, laundry, work projects… this isn't the time for that. Be fully present in those moments with your partner.

3. Know your sexual response cycle

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You need to know your cycle so that you can communicate that to your partner. That self-awareness is key. Now, you may ask, what is a sexual response cycle? It’s the emotional and physical changes that occur when we get aroused, and guess what? It’s different for everyone. So, you both need to know yours. Similar to knowing your love language, knowing each other's response cycle can help you appreciate and understand each other more.

The most important thing to remember is that sex with a partner is meant to be fun and pleasurable. Sussing out each other’s libidos, and acknowledging the mismatch is a great step to experiencing a partnered sex life that you want and deserve.

Speaking of fun, introducing vibrators into partnered sex can be a great way to spark excitement and creates an opportunity to explore your bodies together.

This article was first published in Smile Makers. Smile Makers is a sexual wellness brand on a mission to inspire vulva owners to set their own standards for good sex. As a brand, they bring sexual wellness products into mainstream spaces, remove limiting beliefs around vulva sexuality and foster a global, pleasure-positive and light-hearted conversation about sex.