Dear Therapist: I'm dating a mummy's boy, is that a red flag?

Trauma expert Natalia Rachel untangles our readers’ knottiest issues

Credits: Getty
Credits: Getty
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Got a personal dilemma that’s stressing you out? In Dear Therapist, trauma expert Natalia Rachel untangles your knottiest issues and answers your burning questions about life, love, and everything in between. If you have a question, you can email us at magherworld@sph.com.sg or slide into our DMs at @herworldsingapore on Instagram.

Dear Therapist,

I've been with my partner for a year now, and while things are mostly great, there's one issue that's been bothering me. He’s a bit of a mummy’s boy. He often shares things his mum told him not to do, things she did for him, or what she cooked for him, etc, every time we meet. While it’s sweet to see how close they are, I'm worried this could become a problem in our relationship down the line.

I'm concerned his mum might try to interfere with our relationship. This is something I've noticed with previous partners who also had strong relationships with their mothers. Should I be worried that she might try to control aspects of our life together? What if she ends up moving in with us or continues to dictate his actions? Is this a red flag? Should I consider dating someone else?

I'm really unsure about how to feel and what to do next.

From, Fearful of Mummy

Dear, Fearful of Mummy

When we enter a long-term relationship with a man it’s 100% normal to want to feel like the main woman in our man’s world. When it comes to dating a man who is really close with his mother, we need to be able to assess and separate: 1) Is the close relationship with mummy unhealthy and stopping my man being independent and present with our partnership and 2) Is the close relationship with mummy healthy and sweet, but triggering something deeper inside me. Let’s unpack this a little more…

Maternal Enmeshment

In some families, the mother becomes so overly close and bonded with the son, that he doesn’t really develop a strong sense of self. As an adult, this can bring dangers of lack of autonomy, inability to self-care, make important decisions and follow healthy impulses towards his desires and dreams. If the enmeshment continues into adulthood, it also places the man at risk of being continually led or manipulated by his mother towards what she thinks is best for him, which may lead him away from healthy independent choices. Being in a relationship with a man who can’t make decisions without mummy’s approval, or who is fearful of what mummy will think can be incredibly challenging.

Neglect/Abandonment Trauma

If we have grown up in a family where we have not been emotionally attuned to and cared for, this wound may be triggered in a relationship with a man who is considering others' needs as a priority. It may make us feel less important, unseen, undervalued and craving more connection, care and attention. This commonly comes up for women who date men who have children from a prior marriage, close female relationships or a very close mother-son dynamic.

When it comes to the situation you find yourself in, it can help by beginning to explore how much of what you’re feeling is coming from his side and how much may be coming from your side. This clarity can help ease feelings of internal distress and prime you towards either your own healing, some big conversations and relationship adjustments. If this is a man you see yourself with over the long-term, it’s important to be honest about how you are feeling and get clear about what kind of involvement his mother will have in the relationship as it continues. In an ideal scenario, you’d be able to work out some healthy boundaries and have him follow through. If he is existing in an overly enmeshed dynamic, there may be a recalibration period required while he learns to become more independent. It’s also important to consider the cultural aspect here and ask him what he wants in terms of shifting the dynamics between him, mummy and you. While this may be an uncomfortable topic to explore, as always, honesty is the path to intimacy, and in the end that is what we all desire and deserve.

Natalia Rachel

Natalia Rachel is the founder of Illuma Health, author of Why Am I Like This, and a trauma expert

Natalia Rachel is the founder of Illuma Health, author of 'Why Am I Like This', and a trauma expert

Disclaimer: The Dear Therapist column is for informational purposes only. The advice given does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental-health professional, or other qualified health providers with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition, and never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website.

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