8 toxic things you’re doing in a relationship without knowing

When we think of toxic behaviour in a relationship, we might imagine scenarios where one partner is extremely controlling or lies all the time. Or perhaps one party always has to think carefully about what they’re going to say next to not upset their partner. 

Martine Hill, counsellor and director at Alliance Counselling, reveals that certain patterns in a relationship can make you feel unsupported, controlled or just worn down

She cites some “big ones” to watch for, such as constant criticism or contempt (one partner is always putting the other down, saying things like, ‘You never do anything right’, or using sarcasm to criticise), stonewalling (when a partner shuts down emotionally, refusing to talk about an issue) and gaslighting or manipulation (when one partner tries to distort reality, making the other question their own memory or judgment). 

Lesser known toxic behaviors to look out for

However, there could also be toxic things in a relationship that aren’t so obvious. Little things that you accept as part of your or your partner’s personality or just something you have to live with to be happy in your relationship. These could also be things that have become normalised in your relationship so you don’t see the dangers or toxic element anymore. 

Martine acknowledges that some red flags are easy to overlook, especially when they’ve become routine and shares that “some behaviours might seem minor but can become harmful over time”. She cites some examples and advises how to handle them. 

1. Silent treatment after an argument

Why It’s Toxic: Giving someone the silent treatment feels like punishment. It leaves things hanging and creates an uncomfortable power imbalance.

How to Handle It: Instead of waiting out the silence, try saying, “I understand if you need space, but I’m left feeling pretty isolated. Can we take a short break and then come back to talk?” This way, you’re not demanding an instant resolution but also not letting the issue fester.

Linda Lee, 35, admits that she was “the queen of silent treatment” in her previous relationships. “I would shut off and refuse to talk about the matter at hand until the other person backed down,” she elaborates. “While I was doing it, it just felt like I couldn’t be bothered to deal with this person or the issue. If the person wanted to talk, all the more I would disappear. 

“Every time the issue came up again, I would back off until the issue dies, then I would talk again. I only learnt this was toxic behaviour a little later in life,” she adds.

2. Assuming that one partner will be paying all the bills

Why It’s Toxic: It might seem chivalrous if a man pays for everything or a win for feminism when the woman is the one bringing home the bacon but having one person manage all the finances can feel lopsided, especially if it’s not discussed openly. It can breed resentment or make one partner feel indebted, says Martine.

How to Handle It: You might say, “I’m grateful you’re covering things, but I want us to both feel invested. Maybe we could go over our budget and find a way to balance expenses?” This keeps the conversation fair and collaborative.

3. Using dismissive language (“I Told You So”, “Calm Down”, “Let It Go”)

Why It’s Toxic: These phrases sound minor, but they often come across as dismissive and invalidating, making one partner feel like their feelings don’t matter.

How to Handle It: You could respond with, “When I hear things like, ‘Just let it go,’ it feels like my feelings don’t count. I’d love it if we could just talk it out instead.” This opens a door for more meaningful conversations without attacking the other person.

4. Belittling or dismissing feelings

Why It’s Toxic: If a partner consistently brushes off your feelings, it can leave you feeling unsupported and shut down.

How to Handle It: Try saying, “It feels pretty hurtful when my feelings get brushed aside. I’d love it if we could try listening to each other without judgment.” This approach invites mutual respect and helps set a tone of empathy.

5. Always giving in (Even for small decisions)

Why It’s Toxic: Do you find yourself always giving in, even in simple things like where you’ll both go for dinner or the music you stream when you’re both in a car? It may seem like no big deal, but consistently deferring to the other person creates an imbalance. Martine explains that one partner’s preferences start feeling less important and, over time, resentment builds.

How to handle it: Say, “I’m happy to compromise, but I’d love for us to take turns on things. For example, we could alternate picking where we eat or what movie to watch.” This way, both partners feel included and respected.

6. Wanting you ‘all to themselves’

Why It’s Toxic: Cutting someone off from their friends and family can be isolating. It might seem like a sign of affection, but it can also be a form of control.

How to Handle It: You could try, “I love spending time with you, but I also need to stay close with my friends. I think time apart sometimes could actually make us even stronger.” This makes the desire for independence clear without rejecting the partner.

“I found it really sweet that my ex wanted me to spend all my free time with him but, after a few months, I felt like there was a reason why he didn’t want me to hang out with my friends,” recalls Kara S, 38. “We broke up for other reasons but now that I’m happily married to a man who loves my friends and doesn’t mind me seeing them often, I realise that was totally toxic behaviour.”

7. Looking through personal items or phone

Why It’s Toxic: It’s okay to share email accounts or login passwords if you both agree to it but it’s a different story altogether if they’re looking without your permission. Snooping shows a lack of trust and respect for boundaries, which can feel invasive and unsettling, says Martine.

How to Handle It: Say something like, “When I realised you’re checking my phone, it feels like there’s a lack of trust. Can we just talk openly if there’s anything we’re worried about? That would make me feel more comfortable.” This makes boundaries clear while also inviting trust and honesty.

8. Jealousy over normal social interactions

Why It’s Toxic: Excessive jealousy can feel suffocating and make social interactions tense. It creates an environment where one person feels they have to tiptoe around to avoid upsetting the other.

How to Handle It: Try saying, “I know this bothers you and I want to reassure you that I’m fully committed. But I’d also like us to feel comfortable trusting each other. Maybe we could talk through what’s causing the jealousy?” This acknowledges your partner’s feelings while setting a foundation for trust.

Should you stay or go?

Being faced with such inconspicuous toxic behaviour could provide you with a conundrum. Perhaps you’re happy in every other aspect but he just likes to make the decisions – is there anything wrong with that? Or maybe he only uses dismissive language a few times a year and only when you’re alone so you’re not very bothered by it. Could these behaviours be enough for you to end the relationship?

Martine advises to examine whether patterns are consistent or isolated. Are these issues showing up occasionally or all the time? Isolated incidents can usually be resolved through conversation and compromise but if these behaviours persist despite attempts to address them, it might signal a bigger issue, she says.

You also need to check your reasons for staying. Martine points out that sometimes, people stay because they’re afraid of being alone or feel like they don’t deserve better – a healthy relationship should make you feel safe, valued and respected, never just tolerated or managed.

Also, you should look for willingness to change on both sides.

“If both partners recognise these issues and want to work through them, there’s hope,” says Martine. “If a partner acknowledges they have a habit (like stonewalling) and is genuinely open to breaking it, that’s a positive sign. Real change is built on mutual effort.”

However, if these issues keep popping up and one partner isn’t interested in making things work, ending the relationship might be necessary to prioritise your well-being. Martine recommends seeking advice from a counsellor to help you get clarity on what’s healthiest for both you and your partner.