4 tips to make your sex fantasies come true with your man

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If you’ve ever fantasised about having sex in a public place or about being sexually dominated by your partner, you are not alone. According to many studies, these rank among the most common female sex fantasies. Of course, many of us have fantasies that would be considered dark and sordid or even crazy or illegal, but that’s why they’re called fantasies – they may arouse us sexually but they don’t always reflect what we want to happen in real life.

Fantasising about sex is normal

It’s perfectly normal to have sex fantasies. According to Martha Lee, a clinical sexologist at Eros Coaching, the things we respond to sexually are thought to be imprinted on our brain at an early age. This process takes place randomly at certain critical periods during our psychosexual development. The images and stories that provoke the sexual response become part of our “sex script” – that is, the things that turn us on. It’s believed that these sex fantasies stay with us for the rest of our lives.

Can fantasising about sex be unhealthy?

While sex fantasies fuel our erotic lives and we shouldn’t feel guilty for having them, Martha says that they can become worrisome when acting them out leads to harmful or other negative consequences. Such fantasies include cheating on our spouse, for instance, or committing acts that endanger us in some way. Some fantasies may also contribute to obsessive thinking, which can in turn exhaust us mentally.

Common sex fantasies

Our fantasy lives are rich and multi-faceted, and differ from person to person. Martha says that, when we fantasise about sex, there is no pain and we can depict our ideal partner performing consensual sexual acts on us.

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A couple of years ago, a team of researchers at the University of Montreal in Quebec, Canada sought to uncover the most prevalent male and female sex fantasies. The results, published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine in October 2014 found that the top 10 sex fantasies of women included having sex in a romantic location, like on a deserted beach; having sex in an unusual place, such as in the office or a public toilet; participating in oral sex; performing oral sex on a man; being masturbated by a sexual partner; having sex with someone other than their spouse; being dominated sexually; making love openly in a public place; and having sex with more than three people, both men and women.

How to make your sex fantasies come true

Do you have a sex fantasy that you would love to act out but don’t know how to bring up to Hubby? It’s not uncommon to worry about being perceived as weird, kinky or even sexually deviant, but there’s nothing wrong with sharing this side of yourself with your man. 

“Ultimately, you need to recognise that, while sharing something that you consider private can make you feel vulnerable and exposed, it can also build intimacy and trust between you and your partner,” says Martha. “Proceed slowly and see if your relationship doesn’t grow stronger for it.”

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You may come up against a few emotional blocks when sharing your sex fantasies with your partner. These are all interconnected, says Martha, but it’s also important to remember that our fantasy lives are always evolving. 

Here are a few tips to help clear those emotional blocks and make sharing your sex fantasies with Hubby a little easier:

Explore your sex fantasies.

It’s worth taking the time to think about what really turns you on. Surprisingly, most people don’t have a clear idea of their sex fantasies, Martha points out. If you don’t know what you like, how can you share it with your partner?

Ask why you want to share your sex fantasies with your spouse in the first place.

Martha says it’s important to be aware of your intention – do you want to act them out eventually? Do you want reassurance from your partner that your fantasies are normal and that he still loves you even if the fantasies sound strange? Or do you simply want to be heard? Without knowing the “why” of wanting to share your fantasies, you won’t feel motivated enough to share them.

“Once you’re clear about your intention, you need to accept that sharing is a risk you are taking. You’ll also have to embrace any possible fallout as a result of this,” Martha adds.

Start small and slowly.

A loving and trusting relationship is a good place to start sharing your sex fantasies. But Martha suggests opening up about something small first, and then gradually building up to the more complex fantasies the more confident you become.    

Ditch the judgmental labels.

“We can get stuck with labels like ‘I’m weird’,” says Martha. “To normalise your sex fantasies, you can do a little online research to see how common they really are. We are the ones who build up in our heads the idea of our fantasies being forbidden.”