Non-finite grief: Grieving the life you thought you were going to have

Life plans vs reality

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Additionally, there are several ways that these two types of grief are similar. For example, they are grief responses that may not be related to the death of loved ones, and thus difficult to name, validate and achieve closure, says Dr Assudani.

“There is also lack of acknowledgment or recognition of the magnitude of the loss by others, often because this type of loss is less understood than a finite loss, like a death,” she adds.

Unlike having to move on after losing someone in our lives, both non-finite and ambiguous grief involve re-looking at our assumptions of the world and reconciling the world that we now know to exist with the world we once believed to exist.

“In both types of grief, the loss is not clear and is continuous and chronic, so there will likely be some uncertainty about the future,” Dr Assudani reveals. “Both can feel devastating and accompany a multitude of emotions such as shame, guilt, anger, denial, sadness and anxiety.”

Someone going through such grief also has a feeling of 'otherness' and may feel disconnected and distant from their loved ones because the loss may not be acknowledged, she adds.

“Loss is part of life”

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When Sonia* and her husband decided to stop after going through more than three years of fertility treatments, she experienced an immense grief she felt nobody around her could understand.

“A few friends I spoke to couldn't understand why I described it as grief because I didn't actually lose anyone,” she shares. “They told me things like, 'but you still have your health' or 'you didn't suffer any miscarriages at least, that would have been harder to deal with'. It felt as if because I didn't physically lose a human, I wasn't entitled to feel grief. And I was confused because the infertility blogs and experts referred to it as grief.

“I ended up having to preface my sharing with 'I know I don't have a life-threatening illness and I'm thankful for that, but...' – it's like I had to tell them I do appreciate what I have but that doesn't mean I can't feel loss,” she adds.

Dr Assudani says that non-finite grief is pretty common “because loss is part of life”. Also, we can feel nonfinite loss at any age. She lists the most common scenarios where non-finite grief is felt – loss of a future life after someone has a mental illness diagnosis, neurogenerative disorders such as dementia or brain injuries, infertility, loss of identity, separation from migration, the end of a relationship or divorce.

Because this type of grief may not be clear cut or visible to others, it can be difficult to name, validate and access or receive support. For example, you will be less likely to receive flowers or a meal after a non-finite or ambiguous loss experience, says Dr Assudani.

Tips to deal with non-finite grief

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She notes that anyone experiencing non-finite grief goes through a range of emotions. However, there are ways to deal with this difficult time.

Dr Assudani shares five tips:

Name and validate the loss you are experiencing. Often, these losses are not fully recognised by others. It is important to remind yourself that these are real and valid losses, even if they are not death-related losses. Grief is a normal response.
Compassion and care towards yourself. The feelings of grief are often long and can be emotionally exhausting. Remember, the loss is not your fault. You have needs and deserve care too.


Think of life as adapting to the losses, rather than accepting them. The idea that one needs to feel acceptance sounds like we're being asked to consent to this new, dreaded reality. Instead, think about how you can adapt to your life, for example, incorporating a different routine or creating a ritual to achieve closure, such as putting away your hormone injections after the end of your fertility treatments.


Look for joy and meaning in other areas of your life. Even though you may not be living the life you always imagined and hoped for, that doesn't mean it can't have joy and meaning.


Talk to others in your family or professionals about how you feel, rather than keeping it to yourself. Talking helps us to process and organise our experience mentally, as well is relieving the emotional burden.


“There will be good days and bad days; take more care of yourself and connect with others on bad days, while acknowledging the good moments and days,” she advises.

*not her real name