My 18-year journey navigating life with undiagnosed ADHD

Living with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) – a mental health condition that leads to inattentiveness, hyperactivity and impulsive behaviour – can be a lonely journey. An estimated 5% of children have ADHD, which often goes undiagnosed. While ADHD has no cure, the symptoms can be managed with the help of medication and psychological therapy. Some forgo treatment altogether, for a myriad of reasons. Here’s a 21-year-old’s self-coping journey with ADHD, from the time she was diagnosed at 3.

Growing up, my parents always thought I was a little bit different than the other kids my age. I was a tad too loud and active to be left playing alone. Whenever they let me play on my own, disaster would strike.

Once, while my mother went to the kitchen to make a drink, my three-year-old self decided that it was the perfect time to look over the ledge of my balcony which had no window grills. Pushing a sofa chair that was supposed to be unmovable for a toddler my size, I climbed on top of it to take a good look at the view below. Unbeknownst to me was my flustered mother quietly creeping up behind and sweeping me off the ledge immediately. Needless to say, my balcony had grills after that.

While my parents didn’t exactly think I was ‘normal’, they’d always thought that this impulsive behaviour of mine would probably fade away with time.

I was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 3

With regular visits to the paediatrician and my parents’ input, my behavioural patterns were flagged as a potential concern. When the doctor suggested an evaluation by a specialist, my parents agreed to it. That was how I got my diagnosis at the age of 3.

During that time (2006), ADHD wasn’t commonly talked about. The symptoms of inattentiveness, hyperactivity and impulsivity were generally swept under the rug and categorised as something that kids would outgrow.

My mother described the diagnosis as an eureka moment – everything just made sense. However, my parents didn’t think of it as an issue or illness that needed immediate intervention. Plus, they weren’t keen on putting me on long-term medication due to the fear of potential side effects and health issues. The final decision was to opt out of all treatment methods which included behavioural therapy and medication.

The early school years were tough

I started getting into trouble as early as preschool. According to my mother, one of the challenges I faced was focusing on tasks; I was often distracted. I recall being defiant to my kindergarten teachers and feeling intense anger when I was reprimanded. My most vivid memory? When I was caught shaking my legs while seated in class, my teacher chided me for being “like an uncle in a kopitiam”. I remember feeling upset and wronged as I was merely trying to manage my restlessness without being disruptive. 

In primary school, my behaviour got progressively worse. I was playing with my shoes, taking them off and then putting them on again, kicking under my desk… all while completing an examination. When my teachers scolded me, I would sometimes talk back or scowl at them to show my dissatisfaction. All these led to my mum receiving calls from the school.

I learnt ADHD masking in secondary school

While I was still distracted and unfocused in secondary school, I learnt how to control my behaviour to avoid getting caught by teachers. Unless I was spoken to, I tried to stay quiet. If I was zoning out, I would force myself to face the front instead of staring outside. If I had to fidget, I’d make sure it was unnoticeable. If I was pissed, I would hold it in and appear unaffected.

Later on, I learnt that these acts of camouflaging my symptoms are termed ADHD masking. After a while, ADHD masking became second nature to me. As long as I was in a situation where I was expected to act a certain way, I would be able to do it flawlessly.

After doing relatively okay for my O-Level exams, I truly thought that I was in control of myself. But my junior college experience thoroughly humbled me. My JC years happened during the peak of Covid-19, which meant that most of my time was spent at home.

Caffeine became my crutch

The JC curriculum was tough and fast-paced – a whole new level of difficulty that required me to be more disciplined than ever. Staying at home all the time, focusing was almost impossible. My grades plunged and I was stuck in a circle of being stressed and unable to focus on my studies.

Other than the academic rigour, the fact that I hated half of the subjects I took made it even harder for me to focus and learn. To compensate for my inability to focus, I began using coffee as a means to help me concentrate.

At the peak of exam season, I would have at least three cups of black coffee a day. On a regular school day, two would suffice. Once, I chugged Red Bull and coffee before an exam – the overdose of caffeine backfired, leading to constant heart palpitations during the three-hour-long paper.

Despite knowing about my ADHD condition from a young age, it was only in those two years of junior college that I felt the overwhelming effects on my education and self-esteem.

My parents called my behaviour “careless” and “irresponsible”

While my parents accepted my ADHD diagnosis and the hyperactivity that came with it, they didn’t seem to understand the full extent of my condition.

When I lost or misplaced my personal belongings as a teenager, my parents would lecture me about being careless and irresponsible. When I failed to fulfil requests or tasks assigned to me because I simply forgot, they would conclude that I was selfish and uncaring. All these instances made me feel extremely guilty.

Whilst I am grateful to my parents, part of me wishes that they knew more about my condition and tried harder to understand my behaviour.

Being more aware of the condition and its factors such as emotional regulation, memory and focus would definitely have made things easier for all of us.

Life now

At 21 years old, living with ADHD feels easier as I’ve learnt more ways to cope. With the help of the internet, I’ve tried every possible productivity hack. Not all of them work, but I’ve incorporated journaling, timers and calendars into my life to keep the chaos organised.

I still find it hard to focus, especially on things I’m not interested in. As a university student, this happens more often than I’d like. I could sit in a three-hour lecture and retain only an hour’s worth of information, but on some good days I find myself being able to learn productively.

So far, only my family and close friends know about my ADHD. I’ve not informed my professors as they’ve never had an issue with my behaviour in class. Telling people about my condition for the first time can be a hit or a miss. As ADHD isn’t regarded the same way as other types of neurodivergence, it can be hard for people to empathise or understand it.

That said, after 18 years of living with ADHD, I feel that it is time to share my experience and contribute to the conversation around neurodiversity. I hope to let others know that there are ways to live and thrive with ADHD.

More awareness should definitely be raised about ADHD. Despite it being a legitimate mental disorder, the general public lacks knowledge about it, and ADHD symptoms continue to be dismissed as simply reckless or restless behaviour.

ADHD gets more manageable as you age

If you suspect you or a loved one has ADHD, you can talk to your GP or see a psychologist for a possible diagnosis. Treatment plans can be tailored for different conditions and needs.

If you are self-coping with diagnosed ADHD like me, and traditional methods of removing distractions don’t work, try looking on the internet for credible advice and resources. Unlocking ADHD is one of them.

There is no one-size-fits-all approach that would work for every ADHD brain. Knowing what works best for you comes with time and experience. Above all, adopt a positive mindset and be kind to yourself.

This article was first published in Women’s Weekly