Ask the Expert: I've been cheated on. How do I regain my dating confidence?

It's no secret that infidelity can shatter your trust in your partner. Amongst divorce cases in Singapore in 2022, “infidelity or extra-marital affair” was the top main cause of divorce for both male (18.6 per cent) and female plaintiffs (19.3 per cent). But the wounds of broken trust, diminished self-esteem and shame can linger for much longer.

In this edition of Ask the Expert, psychotherapist and counsellor Qi Zhai-McCartney discusses the impact that discovering infidelity can have, and points to the avenues people can seek help during their healing journey.

I discovered my partner’s affair eight months ago. My trust in people is broken, my self-confidence is in tatters, and I struggle to move on. Is it dramatic that I still feel deeply upset?

You are definitely not being dramatic! Be it an emotional affair over text or engaging a sex worker, the impact you feel can be similarly severe. The latest research shows experiencing infidelity can cause symptoms resembling post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD): intrusive thoughts and memories, changes in moods and thoughts, heightened physical arousal and reactivity, and changes to one’s ability to process chronology. Discovering the affair is only the start of your recovery journey, so please give yourself time.

How do I learn to cope with these feelings and begin healing?

One simple, powerful way to cope is “Noticing and Naming”, a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy technique. Basically, you “notice” difficult thoughts, emotions, or physical sensations, and you give them a “name”. For example, “I’m noticing that my mind races back to when I discovered the affair” (thoughts), “I’m noticing that I’m scared when my partner goes out” (emotions), or “I’m noticing that my chest feels tight” (physical sensations). The act of observing yourself prevents you from getting swept up in escalating thoughts, emotions and physical sensations.

Do seek external support. Human beings are emotional co-regulating creatures. Yet, infidelity is so shameful that many bottle it up. I encourage finding a trustworthy friend or relative. To avoid unsolicited advice or overbearing questions, you can make it clear that you just “want a hug” or “want someone to hear my story”. Consider looking for support groups too.

When do I know I’m ready to try again?

It’s tempting to jump into another relationship as a distraction or as a sign of “healing”, but in your vulnerable state, you may be susceptible to co-dependence with a new partner, or worse, manipulative partners. I strongly urge people to stay single and work through understanding their individual and couple patterns first. Recognise your tendencies and identify behavioural patterns in yourself and the partners you’re drawn to/attract. This minimises repeating history, or forming new unhealthy or codependent relationships.

One sign you may be ready is being able to calmly tell the story of your past relationship. If you’re easily emotionally aroused, it may mean – even if you feel mentally ready – that you’re not emotionally and physically ready. Other signs include self-awareness (“What’s my role in unhealthy relationship dynamics with my ex?”), confidence without overcompensation, openness to vulnerability (and possibly being hurt again), the ability to trust someone new after cautious observation (getting into relationships too quickly
is a troubling sign), and clarity around personal boundaries within relationships.

Qi Zhai-McCartney is a qualified psychotherapist and counsellor with Alliance Counselling, holding a master’s degree in Guidance and Counselling from James Cook University. A former finance professional and graduate of Stanford University, she specialises in working with couples.