Ask The Expert: Do I have a toxic relationship with myself?

It's easy to love another person, but for many of us, loving ourselves is one of the hardest things we can do. Stephanie Leong, trauma-informed somatic therapist from wellness platform Soma Psyche Alchemy, tells us what a toxic relationship with ourselves looks like, and the tools we need to love ourselves just a little more.

Why do women tend to have toxic relationships with ourselves?

Toxicity can be expressed in many ways. It ranges from negative self-talk to an absence of boundary-setting with others. At its core, toxicity is rooted in a sense of unworthiness, the self-belief that we are not worthy. Hence, this is expressed in the way that we perceive ourselves and show up in our relationships. It could be a moment that we experienced, which led us to believe that we are unworthy, unlovable, or not good enough, and so on.

For most of us, it occurs through multiple experiences that anchor these thoughts and beliefs about ourselves. When this happens, we stop loving ourselves, and instead, seek love and approval outside of ourselves. We no longer feel wanted by ourselves, so there is an insatiable hunger to be wanted by others. We most definitely do not feel a sense of home or belonging within ourselves, and seek to be accepted and to belong to our partners, friends, communities, and workplaces. 

What are some signs that we have a toxic relationship with ourselves?

Until we begin to properly process these experiences, whether through therapy or self-reflection and contemplation, we will continue to unconsciously perpetuate these belief systems within ourselves. We may seek out relationships whereby love is not available. We may find ourselves working tirelessly to be praised and approved of. We may bend over backwards at the cost of our own well-being to be “a good friend, wife, daughter, colleague”, so that we can feel a sense of belonging and acceptance. We may not express our honest thoughts and opinions for fear of conflict or being judged.

What impact does this have on our personal and professional lives? 

At work, we may never feel good enough, and thus either chase the unattainable goal of perfection, being harsh on ourselves when we err, or try to be as abiding and insignificant as possible, so as not to draw attention to ourselves. Either way, both expressions come from a place of fear of not being good enough. 

The antidote to such toxicity is love and acceptance. Through the therapeutic process, we can learn to unconditionally love and accept ourselves, as we are. When we show up in the world from this place, we are empowered, confident, loving, and also live a full life of meaningfulness.

How can women learn how to shed old beliefs and learn to love ourselves again? 

In somatic therapy, we first learn to cultivate safety in the body through breath, presence, awareness, touch, sound, and movement. When we befriend our bodies in this way, we are then able to consciously access the memories that have been stored in our bodies. 

We can acknowledge that what happened is not personal, and usually is not about us. When we are able to witness the memory unfold with this acute awareness, we can then shed the layers of old false beliefs that we have been holding on to. 

What are the consequences of a healthy relationship with ourselves?

Over time, we learn countless new ways to extend compassion, understanding and acceptance of ourselves. The very commitment to this process is a gesture of loving ourselves, because we are sending the message across that we are important, that we matter, and that we are worth the effort to deepen this beautiful relationship with ourselves. 

When we are able to radiate self-confidence and function from this place, sharing our celebrations will have an earnest child-like wonder and joy. Here, we get to be seen as we are, and not from a place of performing solely to seek approval and validation.

Got a question about health, wellness or just life in general? Write in to maghw@sph.com.sg and we’ll have your query answered by an expert.