Ask A Sexpert: Why is my partner taking forever to ejaculate?

Got a burning (no pun intended) sex-related issue you want answered? In Ask A Sexpert, our resident spicy expert Jacqueline Kee of sexual wellness brands Genvie and Hedonist answers all your questions. Still looking for answers? Email us your questions at herworldsocial@sph.com.sg.

Yes, this can happen sometimes. Men perform differently from day to day or even go through phases where they either finish really quickly or take longer to climax. Everyone responds uniquely during pleasure, and things like stress, health, or even medications are also major causes that can affect how long it takes to finish, so don’t set the alarm off just yet, it might just be how the body naturally works. Delayed ejaculation is really common and can happen at any stage of a guy’s life.

What’s normal anyway?

First off, “normal” is such a loaded word when it comes to sex.  There’s no set rule for how long it should take someone to reach orgasm. What matters more is whether the person (or the couple) feels comfortable with the timing and if it’s enjoyable.

A 2005 study found that the average time it takes a man to ejaculate during intercourse is about 5.4 minutes. But keep in mind, this can vary a lot based on the individual and their specific circumstances. In reality, it can range anywhere from 30 seconds to 45 minutes! 

Common reasons for delayed ejaculation

While men are often said to be more visually driven, achieving orgasm can be tricky if their mind is elsewhere. A guy’s psychological state plays a huge role in how his body responds, just like how most women need to be mentally engaged (which is why foreplay matters so much!).

Generally speaking, if he can maintain an erection for around 5 minutes (the average time for intercourse), but still struggles to finish, it’s likely that it’s psychological. Here are a few common examples:

Psychological Factors

1. Daily Stressors

Everyday stress, whether it’s from work, finances, or life in general, can easily interfere with sexual function. When your mind is caught up in the chaos, it’s hard to be fully present and be charged up for intimacy.

2. Performance Anxiety

Worrying about satisfying a partner or feeling pressure to “perform” can make things take longer. Society puts a lot of weight on men to always be in control, but that pressure can lead to anxiety, making it tough to stay focused or enjoy the moment. It’s a vicious cycle that can drag things out.

3. Too Much Porn

If he’s been watching a lot of porn, that can mess with his ability to climax during real-life sex. Porn can create unrealistic expectations and fantasies that are hard to match in reality, making it tougher for him to finish when it’s just the two of you.

There are also a few other physical factors that could be at play when it comes to delayed ejaculation.

Physiological Factors

1. Masturbating Too Much

If he’s been masturbating frequently (especially in combination with watching porn), it can affect how fast or slowly he reaches orgasm. The body gets used to certain types of stimulation (eg. death grip), and it might take time to adjust. That said, masturbation in itself, is a healthy and natural way to explore your body and relieve sexual tension, however if it starts to take priority over your responsibilities, like work, school, or social commitments, it may be a sign of overdoing it. Masturbation should fit naturally into your life, not dominate it.

2. Age

As men age, their sexual response naturally changes. It may take longer to ejaculate, or erections might not be as firm or long-lasting. While it’s totally normal, it can be frustrating if it impacts the overall experience.

3. Alcohol or Substance Use

Drinking alcohol, especially in larger amounts, can dull sensitivity and make it harder to orgasm. The same goes for some recreational drugs. So, if it’s taking longer after a night out, the alcohol might be the culprit.

4. Medications and Health Conditions

Certain medications, particularly antidepressants like SSRIs, can lead to delayed ejaculation by affecting serotonin levels, which play a crucial role in sexual function. Additionally, health issues such as diabetes, nerve damage, or hormonal imbalances can also contribute to this problem. 

What can you do about it?

As a partner, if you’re adjusting to this, try not to take it to heart. Instead of letting those feelings get the best of you, focus on understanding what might be happening. It’s so easy to assume you’re doing something wrong or that you’re not turning him on, but that’s usually not the case at all. Offering some reassurance and asking how you can help make things more comfortable can really make a difference.

Have you considered whether you both are trying out new things together by mixing things up? He might enjoy a more assertive and dominant approach, or he could prefer a softer, more sensual touch in the bedroom. Role-playing, experimenting with different positions, or introducing sex toys for couples into your play can keep things fresh and exciting while boosting sensitivity. And don’t overlook the benefits of taking a break and coming back to it later. Sometimes, stepping away for a bit can help reset both your minds and bodies.

One effective way to ease the tension is to take the pressure off achieving orgasm. When guys feel the weight of needing to cum, it can actually make it more difficult for them. Instead, try to shift the focus away from the end goal and savor the intimacy of the moment. Many men feel a sense of relief when there’s no urgency to “finish.”

On a personal level, regular, mindful masturbation can really help him reconnect with his body and understand his sexual responses better. If he gets comfortable controlling his timing solo, it could lead to more enjoyable experiences during sex together. There are even pleasure-enhancing tools designed to mimic real sensations, which can be great for practicing stamina, or those with vibrations or suction to make things even more exciting. Keeping in mind that if he’s used to a certain routine, it might take a bit of time to adjust to something new.

And if things are still a bit tricky with persistent delays, reaching out to a healthcare provider is a smart move. They can assess whether any medication adjustments are needed or rule out any underlying issues—and there’s absolutely no shame in seeking help! A professional can provide valuable insights, identify potential causes, and suggest strategies to relieve any built-up tension.

Ultimately, this journey is all about discovering what works best for you and your partner. Embrace the power of knowledge and compassion, and remember that every step you take together brings you closer to a deeper connection and a path forward to cultivating a truly fulfilling intimate life.