Ask A Sexpert: What is the difference between a kink and a fetish?

Got a burning (no pun intended) sex-related issue you want answered? In Ask A Sexpert, our resident spicy expert Jacqueline Kee of sexual wellness brands Genvie and Hedonist answers all your questions. Still looking for answers? Email us your questions at herworldsocial@sph.com.sg.

Great question! Kinks and fetishes are often used interchangeably but they actually have some distinct differences, even though they can overlap. It’s easy to see why they get blurred together as many people find themselves enjoying a blend of both. For example, you might have a thing for dressing up in costumes (which would be a fetish) and also enjoy engaging in role-playing scenarios (which is more of a kink). While they both add unique flavours to your intimate experiences, it’s their underlying nature that makes them distinct. Let’s dive a bit deeper into what sets them apart!

What is kink?

A kink is a sexual interest or activity that typically falls outside the mainstream and adds a bit more spice to your sex life. It can be used as a broad term that covers a range of interests to a very specific desire. Whether it’s experimenting with different sensations or trying something new, kinks can be enjoyed solo or with partners (or even a few partners!).

Kinks are also deeply personal and subjective, varying greatly from person to person based on cultural norms and individual preferences. For example, while some might find dirty talk or using sex toys to be a playful twist in the bedroom, while others consider it a regular part of their routine.

Similarly, what some consider a basic kink — like bondage, spanking, or wax play, might be seen as more adventurous by others.

What is fetish?

A fetish is when you have a strong attraction or focus on a specific object, body part, or activity that becomes central to your sexual arousal. For instance, some people might get turned on by things like stilettos or a latex bodysuit, while others might be particularly drawn to body parts like feet or tongues. 

What makes fetishes distinct from kinks is that they often serve as prerequisites for sexual satisfaction. Some people might be content just imagining their fetish, while others might need to actively engage with it or act out their fantasies to fully satisfy their desires. In short, fetishes are often essential for reaching that peak of pleasure.

Why do people explore kinks and fetishes?

People explore kinks and fetishes for all kinds of reasons, usually because they’re looking for new thrills and pleasures. It’s a fun way to express parts of themselves that don’t fit the usual mold, adding a unique spark to their sexual experiences. This can lead to deeper arousal and greater satisfaction as they discover what really excites and fulfills them.

Interestingly, research has shown that consensual kink exploration like engaging in BDSM can significantly boost relationship satisfaction. Here’s how they can positively impact your relationship:

Enhanced Communication: Discussing kinks openly fosters honesty and vulnerability, improving overall communication and strengthening emotional bonds.

Increased Intimacy: Exploring each other’s interests deepens the connection and intimacy, allowing partners to engage in each other’s fantasies within a supportive setting.

Greater Sexual Satisfaction: Mutual exploration of interests can lead to more enjoyable and fulfilling sexual experiences.

While kinks and fetishes might not be everyone’s cup of tea, for those who are curious, the key is to explore with safety, sanity, and consent (that’s SSC for short). Keeping communication open helps make sure everyone’s on the same page and comfortable. I’ll go into more details on that as you read on.

And here’s a myth-buster: not all kinks involve pain! Many focus on psychological and emotional stimulation, like role-playing and fantasy scenarios, which emphasize mental and emotional connections rather than the physical side of things.

Case-Study: A couple’s journey with sensory play and fetishes

Let me share a story about Alex and Jane (names changed for privacy). After 20 years of marriage and with their kids off to college, they wanted to reignite their intimacy. In a private couple’s intimacy workshop, they experimented with different textures, like satin blindfolds and soft feathers. Jane discovered a newfound passion for sensory play, finding joy in exploring various textures. Meanwhile, Alex is captivated by Jane when she embodies a sense of dominance, especially in high heels. For him, the image of her in those heels, coupled with her confident demeanor, is a big turn-on.

How It Feels:

For Jane: Sensory play completely transforms her intimate experience. The soft brush of silk and the tickling touch of feathers engage her senses in a way that enhances every touch and caress especially when blindfolded. It’s not just about the immediate physical sensations, it’s the added layer of anticipation that made each moment feel more intense and electrifying. Jane finds that sensory play makes her feel more connected and alive, bringing a new depth to their intimacy.

For Alex: His high heels fetish introduces a distinct psychological thrill. When Jane puts on her favourite pair of high heels, it’s not just a visual delight, it’s the embodiment of dominance and confidence that excites him. The heels symbolize a powerful form of allure that adds an extra dept to their sexual encounters. For Alex, this fetish doesn’t just enhance the visual appeal but also imbues their moments together with a deeper, more stimulating meaning, making their experiences more memorable and fulfilling.

This scenario shows how kinks and fetishes can enrich a relationship. By discovering what works for both partners, communicating openly, and embracing new experiences, couples can reignite their intimacy and strengthen their bond.

Safety Rules for exploring kinks & fetishes

Exploring kinks and fetishes can be exhilarating, but prioritizing safety is essential. So be sure to set clear guidelines to ensure everyone’s experience is enjoyable and respected. Think of these rules as your roadmap to a fun and safe journey into kink.

Consent is Key: Always make sure that all activities are consensual. Have open, honest conversations about boundaries and limits. Consent should be enthusiastic and ongoing. And if you’re uncomfortable, remember, it can be withdrawn at any time.

Start Slow: Begin with lighter activities and gradually explore more intense experiences as you and your partner(s) become more comfortable. This approach builds trust and ensures everyone feels at ease.

Use Safe Words: Establish clear safe words or signals before starting any kink activities. The traffic light system—Green for go, Yellow for slow down or adjust, and Red for stop—keeps communication straightforward and ensures everyone’s comfort.

Educate Yourself: Learn about safety practices and techniques relevant to your interests. Understanding risks and best practices helps prevent accidents and ensures a positive experience. Utilize resources like books, workshops, and online communities.

Respect Limits: Honor your partner’s boundaries and be ready to adjust or stop if something isn’t working. Everyone’s comfort level is different, so being adaptable and considerate is key.

Avoiding kink & fetish shaming

Before we wrap up, just know there’s no reason to feel guilty about wanting to explore your desires, even if they seem a bit unconventional. Kink and fetish shaming can be really damaging, so it’s important to remember that everyone’s preferences are valid as long as everything is consensual and safe. Embracing different sexual expressions helps build a more accepting and inclusive world for everyone.

Exploring kinks and fetishes can be a really empowering journey. Remember, there’s no one “right” way to experience pleasure—what matters most is that your experiences are consensual, safe, and genuine to you. By being open about your desires and communicating honestly with your partners, you can create deeper connections and enjoy more fulfilling experiences. Embrace and celebrate your pleasure in a way that feels true to who you are.