Ideas & Advice

Things you wish to know about sex but never dared to ask

All your questions on the finer points of making love (plus all those embarrassing questions you can't even ask your bridesmaid).

Image: dash/


Q: My married sister says she only has sex a few times a month but my best friend says she does it almost every day! Tell me, how often is normal?

A: Normal is however many times you both derive pleasure form having sex. That could mean twice a day or twice a month. Whatever the frequency – or infrequency – don't use it as a barometer of how strong your love is.

"Sex is a mirror of your relationship, but both having sex and abstaining are manifestations of love," points out Dr David Reuben, author of Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid To Ask (Harper Collins, 1999).

The fact that a woman sometimes obliges even though she may not be feeling sexy and he backs off when she's not in the mood are both ways of giving love in a good, healthy relationship. All frequencies are normal and natural.

Throw in the daily ambushes of life – your work, friends, wedding planning – it's no wonder that even your own definition of what is normal is constantly being redefined.



Q: My fiance and I are both virgins and do not plan to have sex until our wedding night. What can we do to make sure our first time is goof-proof and wonderful?

A: All experts agree: Put too much pressure on first-time sex – on the already stressed-out wedding night, no less – and you're setting yourself up for failure.

"Accept that no matter how much you love each other, the first time is likely to be uncomfortable. But it will get better," says Dr Kelly Shanahan, a gynaecologist practising in the US.



Q: I sometimes fantasise about other men while having sex. Is this normal – and is it considered cheating?

A: "Sex is not supposed to be a five-year stint in the Marines where you 'should' do this and you 'shouldn't' do that," says Dr David Reuben.

Sexual fantasies (See: What a groom wants - Hot fantasies for a spicy marriage) are just that: The forbidden fruit of your imagination. And an active imagination is always a boon! Plus, fantasies are a safe place to explore your sexuality.

If occasionally replacing your husband with Will Smith, your dentist or that Starbucks stud who makes your toes wriggle, go with it. Not only is it normal, it's not cheating. (Unless you scream Will's name, then in which case, we can't be responsible.)


Q: My fiance does not have a lot of experience. What are some effective ways i can tell him what I like done to me without bruising his ego?

A: If he really has no clue, lead him down the right path with positive reinforcement. You could casually whisper your sexy requests in his ear, or take his hand and gently show him how to pleasure you. Some men are simply not familiar with a woman's love map.