Photo by Becca Tapert on Unsplash

Just because you do the deed often doesn’t mean you know everything, or even enough, about sex.

After all, it’s easy to get complacent and forget the important stuff after a while.

Need a reminder on what matters most when it comes to sexual well-being?

We got Dr Martha Tara Lee, a clinical sexologist at Eros Coaching, to tell us about the six things she wants us to know.


1. Your sexuality is yours to share

“One of the most horrifying comments I’ve heard from heterosexual men about sex with women is that women act like ‘starfishes’ – that they just lie down and expect to be ‘serviced’. 

The men think that the women are saying, ‘Here is your prize, my body.’

However, having been a young woman myself, I can imagine what really happens: a sexually inexperience woman is afraid to move because what is happening – arousal, touch, sensation, even orgasm, is new, strange, scary, even overwhelming. 

That, or, she doesn’t know what to do and she’s frozen into inaction.

It’s important that you remind yourself that you own your body, and that even when you choose to share your time, sexuality and body with another person, you won’t give up your power or control of your body or life.”


2. Know your body

“Just because you have a spouse you cannot be sexual with yourself. 

The more comfortable you are with your sexuality, the more likely you’d be comfortable with your spouse. 

If you don’t want to be a ‘starfish’, try experiencing pleasure in different ways and decide what types of arousal works for you. Let an orgasm be easy for you.

Plus, the next time a sexual partner asks you what you like, you’d know how to respond because you know your body.”


3. Your spouse isn’t a mind reader 

“There are people who get upset when their partner doesn’t enjoy what they’re doing in bed. I believe it’s because they feel unappreciated for their efforts and internalise it as rejection.

I’ve found that people who easily get upset about sex (or bad sex) are upset because they have unrealistic expectations.

They think: ‘If you love me, you should know what to do’, or ‘If we are psychically connected, I won’t even need to explain’. 

It’s important to remember that your partner is not a mind-reader and communication is key to a good time.”


4. Acquire ‘tools’ for your ‘toolbox’

“Aside from knowing your body, it also helps to cultivate sexual skills. You can pick up sex times, tricks, techniques from magazines, books, online sources and even workshops.

For example, my workshops, Art of Penis Pleasuring and Art of Vulva Pleasuring, teach genital massage techniques using sexual aids. I’ve conducted them at least 200 times.

If you have more ‘tools’ in your ‘toolbox’, you won’t get easily upset just because your partner doesn’t like one thing you did. You’ll simply try something else. 

I believe people who are comfortable, informed and educated about sex are more likely to be able to approach sex with open-mindedness, playfulness and confidence in the bedroom.”


5. Don’t try to be the world’s best lover

“You read magazines for the latest or newest sex tip, trick or technique to try and be better at sex or even be the world’s best lover.

But you shouldn’t forget that during sex, you’re also dealing with feelings. 

You don’t need to be the world’s best lover – you just need to understand the person in front of you to be the best lover in their life!

And you can do that by communicating – ask them what they liked in the past and what they would like to try next time.

Also ask for feedback – how was the rhythm, pressure, speed? 

Be detached from the answers and maintain a light-hearted conversation when talking about sex. You’ll find you’d get a better outcome in the long run.”


6. Sex evolves

“Our sexuality evolves as we go through different stages in life. And there are many stages: aside from ageing, there are life changes such as switching jobs, moving to a new house, marriage, illness, disability, deaths of loved ones. 

Also, some women experience childbirth, miscarriage or even abortions.

All the above can affect our sexuality negatively or positively – and our sexual attitude and the importance we accord them play a huge role. 

Get professional support if you need to. You deserve a glorious life. May you live life fully and fearlessly!” 

This article was first published in Cleo Singapore.