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Wedding gifts are tricky situations to be in – for both the guest and the couple. There’re so many queries, and rules of etiquette to follow, so both parties don’t look bad on their end.

But there are also instances where the couple can come across as plain rude. A Mumsnet user, who recently attended the wedding of her ex-colleague, revealed that the couple had contacted her to let her know that her gift was not generous enough. The note, which came via e-mail, read “we were surprised that your contribution didn’t seem to match the warmth of your good wishes on our big day. In view of your own position (she recently came into some money from an inheritance), if you wanted to send any adjustment it would be thankfully received.”

Her post understandably left netizens outraged, especially considering how her contribution (a £100 cheque) was fairly significant, especially since she wasn’t particularly close to the bride. There have been varying opinions so far, as to how she should handle the situation (some suggested she cancel the cheque while others advised her to reply the couple while keeping their friends in the loop). 

She has since sent the couple a one-sentence reply (“I assume this was some sort of mistake?”) to which the bride has not responded. But when is it appropriate (if at all) to ask for preferred wedding gifts? 

Here, some points.
1. Include it in your suite
Most invitation etiquette rules state that it’s not right to ask for gifts (cash or otherwise) outright in your actual invite. What you can do, is include another piece of insert or card for additional information like gift information, your wedding website, parking directions, and so on.

2. Ask nicely
A backhanded or round-about way will never work – it’ll only make you look self-entitled and greedy. Instead, make a direct request by wording it along the lines of: “As we have all the items we need in our home, we have decided not to have a traditional gift list. if you would like to mark the occasion, any monetary gifts would be greatly appreciated.”

3. Get creative
There are several wedding poems or witty phrases online you can use or copy, to ask for them without sounding too crass.

4. Spread the word via family and friends
If you prefer to go the traditional route, spreading the information via word-of-mouth is best.

5. State your reasons
Whether you’re saving up for a new home, honeymoon, family, or others, guests will appreciate knowing where their contributions will head to. You can even turn it into a fun detail by including it as a sign next to or on your card or ang pow box. See more interesting card boxes here.

6. Say thank you
Whatever the amount received, your guest has clearly taken the time and effort to attend your celebrations. A prompt note of thanks would be nice.