From The Straits Times    |

PHOTO: HER WORLD BRIDES SEPTEMBER – NOVEMBER 2014

If you’ve been playing a role to please your partner, then drawing the line can cause conflict. “The gulf between who you are and who you pretended to be may shock your partner, and he may be resistant to the change,” warns relationship counsellor Margaret Newman. 

That doesn’t mean you should give in. Counsellors say that communication and equality are the keys to lasting happiness in love. So it’s important to feel free to express your thoughts and opinions openly. Let your partner know that you feel you’ve been suppressing your true identity, and ask for his help in liberating the real you.

If the idea sounds so foreign you don’t know where to start, this five-point plan will help you find your independence and keep it.

1. MAINTAIN AUTONOMY
There’s no doubt that “we-ness” gives relationships their staying power. But it should never be maintained at the expense of all personal autonomy. “Often, we give in to our partner because we want approval,” says psychologist Tanya Stephenson.

“Mistakenly, we think that differences of opinion and interest signal discord, and will provoke confrontation. In fact, differing tastes, values and attitudes are a healthy sign of emotional vitality, and should be acknowledged and allowed for in relationships.”

Solution
– When he asks what to do this weekend, think about what you’d like to do, and speak up.
– Order your meal or a bottle of wine without checking what he’s having.
– Tell a story at a party without looking to him for confirmation of the facts.
– Wear clothes that you like, even though you know they don’t appeal to him.
– Play your own music and watch your favourite television programmes, no matter how much he dislikes them.
– Keep up your girls’ night outs. When it comes to friends, make it clear that you make your own choices – don’t stop seeing a girlfriend just because he doesn’t really like her. Similarly, don’t expect him to stop seeing one of his friends just because that friend annoys you.

2. BANISH PASSIVE ATTACKS
Taking the “whatever you say dear” approach to life situations is the ultimate cop-out. “Opting out will lead to alienation,” says Stephenson. “This may set up an emotional dictatorship that will eventually cause resentment – by you, because you feel dominated; and by your partner, because he feels responsible for all the decisions.”

Solution
The next time you’re about to relate in a way that says “you know best” or “I’m helpless without your guideance”, stop and retrace every thought to find out what’s causing your submissiveness. Once you’ve acknowledged what drives your passiveness, you can work on overcoming that behaviour and fast-track to a more confident you.

3. TRUST YOUR OWN JUDGEMENT
“If you worry that your opinion is not important or intelligent, every time you surrender to your partner’s judgement you are reinforcing that belief,” says Stephenson. “Subsequently, it’s not enough for your partner to encourage you to value your opinion. You also need to value it yourself.”

Solution
– Instead of adjusting your schedule to accommodate all his needs, eat your dinner when you’re hungry and go to bed when you’re tired.
– When you express yourself, don’t make qualitifactions. Be direct about what you think – it will show you have the backbone to make up your own mind.

4. KNOW WHAT YOU WANT
If you could spend an entire weekend pampering yourself, what would you enjoy doing? Don’t know? It’s impossible to express yourself if you have no idea who you are or what you need.

Solution
To discover your true identity, you need to become aware of how you feel. Monitor your reactions, thoughts and fears while you’re making love, working, travelling, even washing up. Recognise what makes you happy or uncomfortable.

5. ACKNOWLEDGE POWER IMBALANCES
Do you let your partner have the last word because he puts you down or dismisses your ideas? “If so, a new outspoken you will probably threaten his ego and cause anger how that he no longer has the upper hand,” counsellor Paula Johnson warns. “After all, the derential manner you’ve adopted all this time the two of you have been together has set the tone of your relationship, which you’re about to change.”

Solution
– Own up to your own involvement in perpetuating the problem. Then stop it!
– Explain how the problem makes you feel (inferior, helpless, silly etc). Point out that these feelings are obviously an obstacle to the health of your relationship.
– Start stating your opinion on everything, from the news to that film you saw – even if your partner doesn’t agree. You don’t have to be aggressive about it. Just make sure that your voice is being heard.
– Discuss your differing skills. Maybe he has more savvy on matters like decor, so you agree to accept those judgements. Maybe you are better on issues of finance. But in other areas such as choosing a video, a new car or where to go for your next holiday, you should both have equal say.

This article was first published in Her World Brides June – August 2003.