From The Straits Times    |


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I used to look critically at other people’s children and tell myself that when I became a mother, I would never, ever spoil my kids. I also promised to be a patient and non-kiasu mum. But those promises left the building the instant my little ones came along. Now, I’m the one trying to shut out the criticisms that come my way.

Second-guessing Myself
Becoming a mum almost eight years ago was physically and emotionally stressful. Although I’d started out not wanting to be a kiasu parent, I became worried when friends declared that my daughter’s entire future would be shaped by what Hubby and I did for her right from the start. It made me wonder whether we were doing enough for her all- round development. I ended up enrolling her in enrichment classes when she was 13 months old – which some friends thought was a late start! – and thoroughly “enriched” myself by sitting through every class with her.

By the time my second child arrived four years later, I was suffering from enrichment fatigue. My husband and I agreed that with this one, activities at home and a lot of tender, loving care would do.Our younger girl is three years old now, and as bright as her sister was at her age. That helps put to rest my self-doubt, especially when other parents I know list all their kids’ enrichment programmes, and look at me with disbelief when I tell them my daughter only goes to playschool.

Family Criticism
It’s not only friends who make me wonder if I’m doing the right thing as a mum, but family as well. My husband sometimes gives me grief over our younger daughter. At three, she isn’t growing as fast as she should, physically. She’s rarely hungry, and has no interest in food; it takes more than an hour to get her through a meal. Her sister, on the other hand, has always had a healthy appetite.

Hubby frequently frets about this. He tells me: “She should not be having snacks”. And this despite the fact that I don’t give her any! As I’m the full-time parent, such remarks strike a raw nerve because they seem to say I’m not doing enough – or well enough – as a mother.

My dad is also perturbed by how long my daughter takes to finish her meals. He once told me: “She lacks discipline – you are not strict enough with her!”. Fearing I might be doing things wrongly, I tried threatening her. But this only made her more determined not to swallow her food.

Dad wasn’t pleased when I told him his approach did not work, and that I would do things my way. I’d decided that this child needs the soft approach. Besides, she has reached all her other essential growth and development milestones, so I’m not worried.

Tackling Unfair Assumptions
However, if you see me feeding my younger daughter, you’ll probably roll your eyes because I squeeze her cheeks to ensure she opens her mouth wide enough for a spoon heaped with food to go in. This is the best way to get as much food into her as I can.

Once, I saw a woman at a food court blinking at us in disbelief, as if she was convinced that I was abusing my child. I just smiled at her and shrugged. Parenting has taught me not to assume that outward behaviour alone can tell me what is happening between parent and child.

But it’s harder to shrug off unfair assumptions when someone makes them to your face. I have a distant relative whom we meet annually. One year, she observed my elder daughter without speaking to her, then declared that she would grow up to be a spendthrift. She explained this by pointing out the gaps between her fingers – in Chinese palmistry, this is said to signify that one will spend more money than he or she earns.

Although I laughed it off, it felt to me like an unfair judgement about my child, and an uncalled for attack on my parenting skills. I’ve always taught my daughter the importance of saving and spending wisely! When this relative made the same remark the next year, I could no longer act as if it was funny. I sarcastically asked if she had taken on a new job as a fortune teller and turned away. My daughter was there and I wondered if I should have ignored it, but I felt it was important for my child to know I was defending her.

We’ll be meeting the relative again soon, and I’ve armed myself with one- liners, as this seems the best way to tackle her.

Doing The Best I Can
I’m not always sure whether I’m doing the right things as a mum, but parenting is a learning journey. Visit any bookstore and you’ll realise there are so many parenting titles because there is no easy way to be a parent – and no one correct approach. I choose from the advice I get and use it in ways I think will bring out the best in my kids.

And there have been wonderful moments when I discovered I might be on the right track. Like the time my seven-year-old came home from school one day, distressed because she couldn’t decide between two co- curricular activities (CCAs). Instead of telling her which was better and getting it over with, I decided to accompany her as she asked teachers, friends and other students about both the CCAs she was interested in.

Of course, I secretly questioned the wisdom of my approach, and wondered if I should have just told her to take the CCA that would give her DSA (Direct School Admission) opportunities after her PSLE. It would have saved us a lot of time. But I wanted her to decide and commit to her decision.

It soon became obvious which she would choose, and she was pleased by how she had arrived at this conclusion. This was a poignant moment for me as her eyes lit up with empowerment. It wasn’t the CCA I would have chosen for her, but I felt really proud of her – and of myself, for letting her make her own choice.

Being a mum is the toughest job I’ve ever had, but I wouldn’t exchange it for anything in the world. I’m proud of the work I’ve done so far.

This article was originally published in Simply Her March 2013.