From The Straits Times    |
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How to stop being a control freak

PHOTOGRAPH: 123rf.com

 

Does it drive you crazy when your husband tries to “help out” in the kitchen? Do you fight the urge to take over when your children are working on their art and craft projects? If so, you’re probably a control freak like me.

I plan everything I do down to a T. I map the optimal route to grab all my groceries in the least time at the supermarket, and fold and stack my laundry in a very specific order. Anyone who offers me a hand is politely rejected, just in case they mess something up.

It’s hard for many of us to admit that we’re obsessive about order. Why do we feel anxious or upset when we aren’t in control of a situation? Is it really so bad that we react this way? I spoke to Kenneth Oh, relationship coach at Executive Coach International to find out what it means to be a control freak and how to change.

 

Am I a control freak?

If you border on being what’s popularly termed (but usually inaccurately diagnosed) as “OCD” (obsessive-compulsive disorder), Kenneth says you may irk a few people. But when you start losing sense of the big picture, irritating those close to you and losing connection, then you definitely have a problem with control.

“Are you simply playing a decisive leadership role and controlling the key factors to success of a project? Or is your need to have control or be on top of things hurting those around you? The difference lies in how your actions impact others involved, the task at hand and future consequences.”

 

Explaining the need for control

“Your feelings of anxiety come from fear,” says Kenneth. “You are afraid that something bad is going to happen to you or that you’ll miss out on something good.”

To a control freak, what’s good and bad is usually completely arbitrary. For example, it might upset you if someone rearranges the toiletries in your bathroom, even if there aren’t any negative consequences. It just feels “bad”. This is likely because you’ve lost control in a similar situation before and suffered as a result.

Kenneth says, “Your insecurities or hurt are caused by something from your past. You fear that the past will repeat itself and come back to haunt you. It might not be something you’re aware of immediately, especially when emotions run high and overwhelm you.”

Instinctively, your mind tries to prevent bad things from happening again by attempting to control whatever factors it deems relevant. This leads to the desire to control other people’s will, thoughts and emotions, too.

 

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“That’s why control freaks get irritated when people don’t do exactly as they want and feel aggrieved when they aren’t able to dictate their actions. This also causes them to demand for excessive reporting and knowledge of every single detail of a project or task they’re involved in,” says Kenneth. Whoops, guilty as charged.

 “The truth is, we are all control freaks to a degree,” Kenneth reassures. “There’s nothing wrong in wanting to be in control of the situation and factors around our lives.

“The need for control is a survival instinct. But when you let it take control and overwhelm you, you’ve gone overboard. So you’ve also got to maintain control over your own mind and be on top of your fears and anxieties instead of letting them control you.”

 

Manage your fears

So how do you reign in your fears and keep the control freak in you at bay? Kenneth shares his tips:

 

1. When you feel the urge to exercise control over others, take a pause to reflect. Are you being overwhelmed by your emotions in this moment? Are you feeling anxious or distress?This introspection allows you to be mindful, regain your rationality and act more reasonably.

 

2. Take a break. Yes, walking away from a situation that seems like it desperately needs your intervention sounds impossible. But let go and see how you feel about it after some time. More often than not, things won’t go nearly as wrong as you fear.

 

3. Ask for feedback. Think it’s necessary for you to maintain control in order to keep the show running? Find out from others and be open to whatever you hear.

How your behaviour comes across to others could be very different from what you think you’re doing. If your behaviour stresses them out or intimidates them, you might end up with poorer outcomes than if you weren’t trying to control everything.

 

4. Set up rules or guidelines with your work team or family members. Ask them to identify typical situations in which your need for control rears its ugly head. In each situation, discuss how they should act without having to cede control completely to you. How should they tell you when they feel you are going overboard? Together, set limits on how much control you should have and stick to your own rules.